this is 30.

i cannot believe i am 30 or that every adult when i was younger was absolutely telling the truth when they warned me about how each year picked up pace as we got older.

i thought about making this post one that was fuzzy and warm but that wouldn’t have been fully me. so instead, i am going to share 30 life lessons that i will carry into my 30s to make this decade the best one yet.

1. authenticity is underrated.

2. no two people handle grief the same way and that is OKAY.

3. “no.” truly is a full fucking sentence.

4. there is no need to feel guilt around saying “no.” to someone you love because that likely means you are saying “yes.” to you.

5. the five people you are closest to serve as mirrors – do you like what you see? if not, time to change up the starting five.

6. gratitude is something to practice regularly. daily, i jot down three things i am grateful for. i haven’t had a day yet where i couldn’t list three things and that has been an eye opener.

7. work hard, play just as hard.

8. that being said, do not rely on luck. hustling is not negotiable if you want to be successful.

9. do something once per week that is completely selfish – it pays to have something to look forward to.

10. busyness is not an indicator of success. what are you spending your time on?

11. do not bring more baggage into a relationship than you can comfortably carry.

12. do not enter a relationship with someone that expects you to carry their baggage.

13. vulnerability is strength.

14. friends are the family you choose.

15. all good relationships have healthy boundaries.

16. age is not indicative of maturity.

17. self care is more than bubble baths and manicures – be sure that you are not ignoring your mental and emotional health.

18. while your friends, family and partner(s) are your support system, they have limits to the amount of space they can hold for you. even therapists have therapists.

19. for every action, there is a reaction that you do not get to dictate.

20. your dreams don’t have to make sense to anyone but you.

21. you regularly show people how to treat you, even without words.

22. check in on your strong friends. they are tired even if you cannot tell.

23. don’t punish people for not showing up for you if you have not communicated what showing up for you looks like.

24. pour into people who pour into you.

25. you don’t ever get over the loss of someone, you just learn to live with/work through it.

26. love on your inner circle in their preferred love language(s).

27. words mean nothing without action.

28. you are more than your job/career.

29. when questioning whether or not you are treating yourself with the love and respect you deserve, ask yourself what advice you would give to your best friend if in the same situation. whatever your answer is, channel that inward. be one of your own best friends.

30. life is short and unpredictable so give people their flowers while they are still here to enjoy them.

and to all of you who reached out today, thank you so much for all of the birthday wishes. it is greatly appreciated and made my heart warm.

to see what i am up to in vegas this weekend, check out my instagram stories.

cheers to the next 30 ūü•ā.

xoxo,

k. tap

thought of the week: the importance of healing

with valentine’s day being just around the corner, love is definitely on the brain. ¬†interestingly enough, when i think of valentine’s day, i do not just think about love in the romantic sense – i think about love between friends and family as well.

 

what does love mean to you?  merriam webster has several definitions but the two i gravitate towards are: 1. strong affection for another arising out of kinship or personal ties, 2. warm attachment, enthusiasm, or devotion.  both definitions are simple yet beautiful and tug at my heartstrings.

 

as i do with most things, i started to think about my clients. ¬†specifically, the ones who seem nearly unable or incapable of receiving love from another, no matter the nature of the relationship. ¬†it is something that is heartbreaking to witness but happens more often than you’d think. ¬†i came across this quote and couldn’t resist sharing it.

 

 

“heal, so when someone tells you they love you, you may allow yourself to believe them.”

 

so many of my clients who come to my office unable to accept love are in that space because they have not gone through the healing process from previous traumas with people who may have said they loved them but did not really know how to love them in the way they needed to be loved.  unfortunately, it is not on the other party to do or help facilitate that healing.  it is up to each person to do their healing individually.

 

part of why that healing is so crucial is because we want to be able to open ourselves up to people deserving of our love.  this does not mean we are naive and simply accept any love someone is offering if it is not love that suits us.  however, it does mean that we are simply seeing love with a new lens and not completely ruling it out because of previous experiences that did not go according to plan.

 

do you believe it when someone tells you they love you? have you done your healing?  if not, are you willing to start?

 

happy (early) valentine’s day – i love you.

 

xoxo,

k. tap

queensview steakhouse (at parkers’ lighthouse)

the last few days have been filled with early birthday celebrations as i gear up for the big 3-0 this thursday.  while i will be in vegas to turn up for a few days, some of my friends who cannot attend made a point to schedule time to get together beforehand.  rebecca is one of those thoughtful humans and our dinner friday was one for the books.

 

we went to queensview steakhouse at parkers’ lighthouse in long beach – it sits right on the water and even at night, the views were breathtaking.

 

something i love is attention to detail.  even with us being 15 minutes early, our table was waiting for us with a handwritten card from the staff wishing me a happy birthday.  it really was such a sweet touch.

 

for drinks, i started with the mandarin in bloom (ketel orange, st. germain, lemon, sprite, micro-citrus greens) and it was crisp, subtly sweet and refreshing.  the first was so good that i had to have another.

 

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rebecca and i shared a lobster roll before our main entrees arrived and it was served with this decadent garlic butter dipping sauce.  truly to die for.

 

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for our main courses, i got the ribeye (which was so huge that i had to take half home which i am not complaining about) and rebecca got the filet.  both were incredibly tender, juicy and flavorful.

 

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to accompany the steaks, we ordered brussel sprouts and lobster mac & cheese.  the brussel sprouts were topped with bacon and gorgonzola cheese.  i honestly could have had each side as a stand alone meal.

 

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we knew we were going to split a dessert and were trying to choose between the butter cake and the creme br√Ľl√©e – since we could not make a decision, we asked our waiter and he said the butter cake was his favorite. ¬†imagine our surprise when he brings the butter cake AND the creme br√Ľl√©e with a candle in it?! ¬†seriously, a gem. ¬†the butter cake had this delicious streusel, fresh strawberries, a berry puree and vanilla bean ice cream. ¬†the creme br√Ľl√©e was topped with a few raspberries and was delightful.

 

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i still cannot believe that we stumbled upon this place due to an opentable recommendation. ¬†we are already planning to return in april for rebecca’s birthday.

 

if you are looking for a great steakhouse with outstanding customer service, an awesome fresh seafood selection, refreshing cocktails, decadent food and desserts that make you feel like you have died and gone to heaven, make a reservation at queensview steakhouse.  the live jazz band was just an added bonus.

 

xoxo,

k. tap

what’s your apology language?

i am all about a good assessment, especially if can help improve the communication in my relationships whether those are with friends, family, partners or coworkers.  while i have talked extensively about the 5 love languages both on this blog and on my instagram live sessions (there is one tonight, by the way at 7pm pst), i have yet to cover apology languages.  because gary chapman is brilliant, he decided to take it a step further and write a book on apology languages that i think pairs excellently with the 5 love languages.

 

similar to the 5 love languages, there are 5 apology languages. ¬†the major difference between the two is that the love languages are on a 30 point scale whereas the apology languages are on a 20 point scale. ¬†generally, people have one or two dominant languages. ¬†however, even if you have a low number for one of them, it does not mean it is unimportant, it is just not your preferred method of apologies in most cases. ¬†now, let’s go over each of the five apology languages:

  1. accept responsibility – this means it is important for you to hear the other person set aside their pride and simply admit their wrongdoing paired with a sincere apology
  2. expressing regret – this is more about admitting both guilt and shame while taking ownership (this one is often done best in person so the person receiving the apology can see the sincerity in body language)
  3. genuinely repent – this is about both feeling the hurt that was caused and also making a real plan to modify that behavior moving forward so there is not a repeat of the same scenario
  4. make restitution – this type of apology requires justification for the actions in question and also requires knowledge of the preferred love language of the person being apologized to so that can be paired with said justification
  5. request forgiveness – this is assurance for the person receiving it that there is awareness of wrongdoing and it is important enough to not only address but to ask for forgiveness which places the ball in the court of the person receiving the apology

 

in reading those descriptions, is there one that sounds the most like you?  i know there were a couple that stood out to me.  even though i took this assessment a couple of years ago, i took it again to see if there were any shifts and my apology languages have evolved with me.

 

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make restitution – 8

accept responsibility – 6

expressing regret – 3

genuinely repent – 3

request forgiveness – 0

 

i am clearly a woman of extremes based on this point distribution. ¬†but when i thought about the apologies that have meant the most to me, the things they all have in common are an explanation of what led them to making the decision they made, taking accountability, informing me of a plan to avoid us being in this predicament in the future and it all being sincere. ¬†i don’t necessarily need groveling and while words are great, without action, they are meaningless.

 

have you already taken the assessment?  if not, you can do so here.

 

to buy the 5 languages of apology book (“when sorry isn’t enough”), head over to amazon. ¬†you can snag a paperback copy for about 10 bucks. ¬†for my people out there that don’t love reading, it is also available on audible.

 

xoxo,

k. tap

 

 

thought of the week: be wary

hey there.  my intention was to do this post on monday morning but if i am keeping it 100, i was definitely in a slump after hearing the news about kobe and gianna’s passing along with seven other passengers (two of them being 13 year old girls from gianna’s team).  i am not much of a cryer and on sunday night, i literally had to ice my eyes because the swelling was just out of control.  it seems like the whole world stopped – los angeles certainly did.  anyway, i wanted to give myself the space and grace to process instead of just operating as if i was not in a state of mourning.  i knew my blog would be waiting for me when i was ready to circle back and here we are.

something i have found to be a common theme amongst my clients is self doubt. or at least that’s what they think they are suffering from. after doing a bit of a dive, we often often come to find that they did not start off doubting themselves but after telling a friend, family member or another “trusted party” about their dreams or aspirations, they were dismissed or discounted. they are often told of all of the reasons why something won’t work or why what they have their heart set on isn’t attainable. another thing that often happens is being ill advised. more often than not, it is coming from a party who hasn’t even walked a block in their shoes.

earlier this month, i came across this quote from a dear friend, jude. per usual, she hit the nail on the head.

 

 

 

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“be wary of advice from those who’ve never been where you want to be. it’s easy to critique from the stands rather than play on the court.” -jude

it not only made me think of my clients but it made me think of how my younger self often allowed others to project their insecurities onto me which slowed down (or completely stopped) my evolvement into greatness.

this is something to serve as your friendly friday reminder to think twice about who you are seeking advice from, what their intentions are, what the impact is and whether or not their journey makes them suitable to be your guide.

xoxo,

k. tap