thought of the week: do you, boo.

over the last few days, i have had multiple conversations both on the phone and via text with one of my oldest and closest friends. i have been able to bear witness to his evolution over the last decade plus and it has been absolutely phenomenal. the last two years have been especially critical.

i watched him end two incredibly unhealthy relationships with partners, advocate for himself in the workplace, move into his first solo place (which really is a game changer – if you are not already married, i couldn’t suggest this more), start seeing a therapist on a regular basis, pour into the friendships that are pouring back into him and truly making an effort to set boundaries in other relationships of his life, specifically with family.

something we talked about today is this disconnect when you are doing the work on yourself and going through these sometimes painful but nearly always positive changes yet some of the people you’ve had relationships for decades not only aren’t doing the work but don’t even acknowledge that there is work to be done. a lot of feelings end up coming up for the person doing the work. first, i think the worker ends up feeling compelled to bring everyone on board. this isn’t noah’s ark and not everyone wants to get on board. then, the worker ends up being angry or frustrated that others aren’t doing the work. next, the worker almost feels badly for the others because the worker knows how much better life is when the work is being put in. but the best step is moving towards a combination between acceptance+indifference —> healthy distance. accept that everyone isn’t ready or willing to do the work and then don’t use energy on them that they won’t even use on themselves. this often leads to creating healthy distance between the worker and the others. doesn’t mean that the worker doesn’t love the others but the worker loves themselves enough to demand more. that brings me to my quote of the week…

“you will outgrow people when you start doing what is best for you.”

simple. to the point. ridiculously accurate.

here’s the thing: it doesn’t mean that outgrowing others isn’t uncomfortable or even painful at times, but from what i have seen in my friend’s life (who i mentioned above), the lives of my clients and even my own life, i have found that i am better off with the people left in my circle. and those people tend to be other workers who committed to self-improvement.

don’t forget to do what’s best for you.


k. tap

k.tap’s dirty 30 in sin city



i have been trying to write this post for almost a week but really wanted to make sure i did it justice.  it needs to be detailed, informative, provide tips/connections, full of gratitude and just fun.  all of that requires energy i did not have prior to waking up this morning in boston so here we are.


first things first: if you know me, you know i love birthdays.  turning 30 was an incredibly huge deal to me.  so huge that i started discussing plans shortly after my 29th birthday.  by june 13th (yes, a full eight months before my 30th birthday), i sent out an aggressively detailed paperless post.  it had dates, a location and polls for the guests to vote on re: what hotel to stay in.  i wanted a firm rsvp sooner rather than later but when coordinating what ended up being close to 40 people over a 72 hour period, that was tougher than anticipated.  if i could do it all over again, i would definitely hire a day of/week of coordinator.  if i had a dollar for the number of text messages i received leading up to the event that could be found in either the paperless post or one of the group strands i sent (broken down by night so no one had to suffer with being on a strand that had nothing to do with them), i could easily pay my rent for next month without touching my checking account.  even though it was tough to coordinate that many people, each person i invited was someone i wanted there because they played a role in me becoming who i am today.


the rundown:

my friends reens and sam flew into lax on wednesday night (the 12th) so i was able to pop a bottle of champagne at 12:01am with them on the 13th.  i went to work that day and when i got home, they loaded up my car and we went to go swoop up my mom and the largest suv ever to take to vegas.  the four of us drove to my aunt’s house (on the way to vegas) to pick her up and continued on our journey.  we checked into the mgm signature thursday night and reens and sam decorated my hotel suite.  they did not leave until 4am and i did not go to bed until nearly 6am.  it was worth it.  the suite was ready for action – fully decorated, a stocked fridge and the most delicious cupcakes baked by my dear friend, genevieve.  if you are in the la area, contact her.




people really started arriving on friday.  i decided that each night, i would host a pregame starting at 9pm both so people could get a buzz on and actually be able to have conversations to get to reconnect or meet one another before we were in a club with music so loud that it was thumping in our chests.  that night, we went to this newer club at park mgm: on the record.  it was smaller, intimate and predominantly hip hop based.  it was the perfect way to kick off the weekend.  the marquee was such a sweet touch.



*for details on my friday fit, click here.


saturday, more people arrived and i knew this night would be absolutely nuts because my mom, godmother, aunt sheila and aunt tannisha would all be joining us out.  we ended up going to omnia, and more specifically, the hip hop room.  it was a tight fit for 30 people but it was truly a blast and we made it work.  everyone’s feet were in pain the next day because there was non stop dancing and screaming song lyrics while slamming shots.  truly a sight to be seen.  and of course, my mom wanted us to arrive as one so we took a party bus there.  she is the best.  also, i tend to feel like in the years since my grandmother passed, she finds a way to show up at each of my birthdays.  this weekend, it was in the form of bottle service girls wearing her absolute favorite color – purple.



*for details on my saturday fit, click here.


somehow, sunday ended up being both my favorite day/night and seemingly, the guests favorite as well.  i kicked off the day with a quick solo coffee date with marilena (since we had not seen each other since august) followed by a group brunch with about 15 of us at the only buffet i will willingly go to – the buffet at aria.  i like that they commit to not just bottomless mimosas, but bottomless drinks.  they also have a great seafood bar and truly have something for everyone, no matter your dietary restrictions.  after that, i came back and caught up with some of the girls before heading to my makeup appointment at the mac at miracle mile courtesy of my friend leighia.  if you are ever in vegas, be sure to call ahead to request mike.  his ability to work with black skin really impressed me.


i was able to come back, take a bath and pregame and give a heartfelt toast to my guests to thank them for coming and let them know what their presence meant to me.  it was a wonderful way to kick off the night.


now, when jason told me sunday would be one for the books, i don’t think i understood the magnitude.  my mom paid for another party bus since she kept winning at the venetian and rode the bus to drop us off at the club.  once we arrived at drais, it all started to make sense.  not only did we have the best table in the house with a perfect view of the stage (which would come in handy when keyshia cole performed), my face was literally everywhere.  from being screened onto our bottle service tables to being on fatheads carried in by our bottle service girls to being on every screen in the club, it was very clear that my 30th birthday was being celebrated.  initially, i think i found it to be a bit overwhelming and i was more or less in shock.  then, i snapped out of it.  i thought to myself if i am typically doing this to celebrate others whether it be for a birthday, a graduation, a wedding, etc., i should allow others to be just as excited to celebrate me.  when we left the club that night, everyone had sore feet, raspy voices and full hearts.  there was also something incredibly special about being able to ring in my 30th with my little brother, pooh bear.  we have lived in different places for more than 10 years so being in la at the same time and him being able to come to vegas meant the world to me.  i don’t know if i would ever be able to replicate that night.




after drais, five or six of us gathered in my room and i made bagels and drinks for everyone and just recapped the night.  it was the best.


on monday, people left at a variety of times ranging from 6am to 11pm.  a true testament to how people that love you will move mountains to show up for you.


now, you know i would not leave you without some useful information in the event you do something on this scale for your next birthday or event.


here are some tips:

  1. even if you feel like you are being annoying, firm up your head count at least 60 days before the event
  2. let your guests know (if money is involved) that their head is not counted until money is received (i typically am firm about this and was a bit looser this trip and took people at their word – it bit me in the ass in a variety of ways from people trying to change plans at the last minute with no consideration for the money already spent/contracts signed + me reaching the maximum amount you can transfer on venmo in one week and having to spend hundreds of dollars to withdraw my own money from vegas atm machines)
  3. have someone on the ground of where you plan on going/celebrating that is going to celebrate you the way you would celebrate your very best friend.  at this point, i think both my mom and my brother would adopt jason rose into their homes after the phenomenal time they had on both saturday at omnia and sunday at drais (truly some next level shit – my brother was blown away and he is hard to get excited about anything)
  4. give people time to recover from each event – i had an event each night (friday, saturday and sunday) but my only daytime event was a late brunch on sunday (at 1pm) that was optional.  for the nighttime events, i just had people tell me what they wanted to attend.  maybe there was a night that worked better for them than others or perhaps they had a favorite club in vegas and based it on that.  either way, people were typically rested by the time we went out at night because the days were not stacked with events
  5. be sure the guest list is visible to all attendees.  i say this because i personally hate surprises.  just because you are friends with all of these people does not mean they are all friends with each other.  whether it be exes, ex best friends or whatever the case may be, it is better when people know exactly what (and who) they are walking into.


now, for the final piece…


gratitude – the state of being grateful: thankfulness.

i truly could not be more appreciative of each person who received an invitation and took the time and money to plan to come out to vegas to make my 30th birthday one for the books.  outside of jason (who literally is the promoter you should use for all things vegas), there was only one friend who attended who lives in vegas.  that means every other person had to book a flight or road trip in.  i literally had to reference my spreadsheet to be sure i did not miss anyone but here it goes:

a big thank you to michelle, rebecca, kennie, amanda, taylor, marilena, jared, victoria, z, alan, pooh bear, tannisha, hilly, leighia, michael, michael c., michael t., sam g., godmother, auntie sheila, jess, jon, april, gio, liz, jason, vana, cortney, whitney, teki, theo, makensy, melissa and marc.  it would not have been the same without you.

and a special thank you to my mom, reens, sam and alexz for literally helping me get everything together and for keeping me sane throughout the weekend.

and jason, you are one of a kind.  i will never do another vegas trip without you.  thank you for helping me coordinate sheer madness.  let’s do it again sometime.


to all of you who reached out with a thoughtful text, card, gift or surprise in my hotel suite, i truly appreciate it more than you know.


30 already feels better than 29 in more ways that one.



k. tap


p.s. i know i am still missing pictures from this weekend so if you are holding out, send them over!


velvet vixen

i do not know why i avoided any shade of red for most of my adult life.  then, a couple of years ago, i realized i loved shades of burgundy, oxblood, etc. – you know, those deeper hues.


when looking for outfits to celebrate my 30th birthday last week, asos was one of the first places i browsed and it did not disappoint.  however, i was shocked when a friend asked if i had checked amazon out.  now, i get my groceries delivered every 10 days from amazon fresh and i won’t get into how many times per month i get a box or envelope from amazon prime, but clothes?  and more specifically, a dress to wear to a club?  and for a plus sized girl?


well, i decided to bite the bullet and i am happy i did.




to me, few things compare to feeling sexy in what you are wearing i definitely was feeling myself with this little velvet number.  and at under $30, i really got away with a steal.  you can snag it for yourself here.  in addition to oxblood, it also comes in black.


something i appreciated is that even while dancing (check out that second photo) in a short dress with ruching, it never rode up or had me feeling all exposed in the club.  that was crucial with the amount of dancing we did this last weekend.


i paired it with my faux fur coat from asos (which has honestly been in a staple in my wardrobe since january of 2019).  a faux fur coat and vest are both necessary pieces in any girl’s closet.  vegas in the winter can be a bit breezy and that same coat is serving me well while i am in boston for work.


tomorrow, i will be giving you the full vegas rundown.  it was truly one for the books.



k. tap

thought of the week: the answer is obvious

even as a child, i was action oriented.  yes, i have great listening skills and that is part of why being a therapist comes naturally to me.  however, part of being an active listener is paying attention to other cues.  to me, a great listener is also an astute observer.  that being said, actions cannot be ignored.


the older i get, the more this rings true.  having turned 30 last week really reiterated the things i prioritize and one of them is not having to have the same conversations with people repeatedly.  someone can apologize over and over again but if there is no shift in their actions, are they really sorry?


that brings me to my thought of the week:




“the answer is in how they treat you, not what they say.”


it really could not be more simple.


so ask yourself: if you are having issues with a loved one, are you paying attention to more than what they say, but their actions?  what are their actions telling you?



k. tap



all (rose) gold everything

hi lovelies!


today’s post is short and sweet.  if you follow me on instagram, you know that i was in vegas the last four days celebrating my 30th birthday with about 30 of my closest friends and family members.  while i am going to do a full recap later this week (because it definitely requires more thought and energy than i have at the moment), i have not stopped getting dms about my wardrobe from the weekend.


even though i loved my outfits each night for different reasons, the most popular seems to be this rose gold, full sequined number from asos by john zack (courtesy of my great friends, reens and sam).


*pictured above with my dear friend, jess (who should honestly run her own blog seeing as how her fashion sense, design aesthetic, love for travel and commitment to health & wellness are on another level)


the dress was originally $103 (which was totally worth every penny considering the statement it makes) but is currently on sale for $82!


whether you have a party to attend or just want to feel extra pretty on a date or girls night out, this is definitely something that would spice up your wardrobe.



k. tap