Month: June 2020

thought of the week: company versus connection

as things have started to move in different phases during covid, i have started seeing some people in ways that feel safe for each party involved to do so. even still, after seeing virtually no one for months in the flesh, i was able to reflect a great deal on the idea of loneliness.

so often, when loneliness is discussed, it is centered around being physically alone. this can be true in some ways. with me living alone, i went over two months without so much as hugging a single person due to quarantine. even with physical touch not being one of my primary love languages, i missed that piece of connectivity.

but here’s the thing: i have talked to countless people from clients to coworkers to friends who spoke at length about loneliness over the last few months even if they live with their partners, roommates, friends or family. it really made me take a step back and reframe how so many of us are taught about loneliness. i thought this quote summed it up perfectly…

“loneliness does not come from lack of company, it comes from lack of connection” -tahmina safi

i have come to realize that i have been able to go through more of the last few months than not without feeling lonely. this is because i am at a space in my life where every single person i am in contact with outside of work is someone i feel connected to on a level that goes far beyond the surface – so much so that even without physically being able to see them, i still felt aligned, valued and loved.

if you have been experiencing loneliness, it is worth asking yourself if you have blamed company or if you need to consider the connectivity.

i am absolutely open to hearing your thoughts on this below or if you want to contact me privately, feel free to shoot me a dm on instagram.

xoxo,

k. tap

fresh ink

for as long as i can remember, i have always loved tattoos. i was 12 when i decided that i would get a tattoo on my 18th birthday. i told myself it was going to have to be something that i liked for a full year before inking it on my body permanently and i did just that. over the years, i added a couple more. i have gone with countless friends to their appointments and even paid for my brother’s first tattoo when he was 18 (he has since lapped me and has full sleeves). i truly believe they are an art form.

fast forward to the beginning of this year. alan (one of my best friends from undergrad at scu) is someone who not only understands the beauty of tattoos, he is someone who truly understands me. we have grown up together in so many ways, especially when you consider how much a person evolves from 18 to 30. add some bonus points in for people like us who also value working on our mental and emotional health/wellness. i had been wanting some more tattoos for quite some time and had a list of things i wanted. however, i had this vision and thought he might call me crazy – i wanted us to get matching tattoos. before even discussing what it could be, he agreed immediately.

i was amped. we tossed around countless ideas of both matching and connected tattoos. nothing was totally sticking. we made an appointment for a few months out so there would be some time to decide. one day, i asked how he felt about a skull with flowers. he was equal parts shocked and on board. we were all set for april and then covid swept through. we pushed out the appointment to june and it was the best decision we could have made.

our tattoo artist made us feel incredibly comfortable, she is ridiculously talented, has the most genuine spirit and alan and i are both counting down until our next appointment with her. you can check out ruby and her amazing work here.

alan had done so much research about ruby and we knew we trusted her. we gave very little instruction aside from wanting skulls with flowers and the general size of the tattoo. i went first and it was seamless. alan ended up getting two tattoos – it seemed like ruby could read our minds.

here is the finished product!

not only were we thrilled the finished product, we didn’t give her an exact number for the flowers but she chose three. alan and i have known one another across three decades (end of our teens, our 20s and now, our 30s), we turned 30 this year, alan is born on june 3rd and i have always loved the number 3 because both my brother and i are born on the 13th.

this photo was taken the day of so the color will settle in a bit differently once completely healed. even still, i am in love with them! i can’t wait for my next appointment with ruby.

do you have any tattoos? any questions about the process? let me know.

xoxo,

k. tap

boxfox

prior to last month, i had never heard of boxfox and now, i am here to tell you about how much i love this company.  it is gift giving made easy while also having the ability to be totally unique and customizable if you so choose.

 

in may, i had a surprise delivery from my dear friend, nicole.  she is always on top of the latest and greatest in health, beauty and yummy treats, which is not surprising with her working on the love goodly team.  this is the box she gifted to me:

 

 

it included:

  1. a rose gold ink pen
  2. a floral notebook by rifle paper co.
  3. rose hibiscus coconut water hydrating face mist by herbivore
  4. cold brew gummy bears by sugarfina
  5. genmaicha green tea by no. six depot

 

with the month of may typically being a rough one and those emotions being heightened due to the pandemic, the craziness of work and the racial injustice in our nation, each of the five items have served a special purpose.  i love being able to put pen to paper to jot down thoughts, ideas, feelings and all of the things i am trying to figure out how to say in person.  i have been working on my skincare regimen because now that i am 30, i am ultra aware of how our skin is the largest organ on our bodies so i am treating it as such – shout out to my rose hibiscus face mist! i started drinking caffeine regularly again once we were sheltering in place and these cold brew gummy bears are the perfect midday pick me up.  and who can say no to a warm cup of tea to just soothe the soul?

 

as if i was not already obsessed with boxfox, a second surprise one arrived courtesy of one of my favorite couples, gio and liz.  liz has a super dope blog, by the way.  you can catch up on that here.  gio and liz regularly tune into my instagram live sessions and before even hearing my last one in full, gio told liz that i sounded sad.  i am typically good at compartmentalizing so the fact that he could pick up on that was quite telling.  fast forward to them surprising me with my second box in lieu of the hug we couldn’t do due to covid-19.  this box was equally awesome but had totally different items:

 

 

  1. two face masks by lapcos
  2. a sparking rosé candle by voluspa
  3. a stainless steel champagne flute by corkcicle
  4. dark chocolate with smoked sea salt by compartes
  5. 52 lists for calm by moorea seal

 

first of all, i teared up when reading the message both because i was so shocked and just touched by the thoughtfulness of my friends.  clearly, gio and liz picked up on the skincare obsession.  i have a stainless steel wine glass but did not know how much i needed this corkcicle.  while i do not eat chocolate often, when i do crave it, i like it balanced with sea salt or caramel.  and a book that involves list making and calmness?  that has kristin written all over it.

 

so i am sure you are interested in boxfox because who wouldn’t be?  there are prearranged boxes to choose from or you can build a box from top to bottom based on category, budget and vibe.  there are gifts for everyone on here, including dads (if you need to send a belated father’s day gift). and even amidst covid, they are shipping in three to six business days.

 

if you are looking for a birthday gift, bridesmaid boxes, graduation gift or something to just show someone how special they are to you, boxfox is the way to go.  if you have any questions, let me know!  i am working on building some boxes of my own as we speak.

 

xoxo,

k. tap

 

 

thought of the week: unapologetically black

it has been a minute – nearly three weeks to be exact.  that is the longest i have gone without writing a blog post since my very first one back in january of 2019.  it is also the most inclined i have felt to truly take a break for the first time in my life without needing to explain or justify it.  acknowledging my own growth and evolvement in this particular department is one that is important to me.  it came on the cusp of something unexpected – my last blog post + instagram live.

 

as with all of my instagram lives, i answered any questions that were submitted on the spot.  for the first time in 18 months, i was asked questions about race.  there was no way i was going to ignore the questions asked and i was going to answer them honestly as i would any other question.  here is what i wasn’t prepared for:

  1. a plethora of dms, text messages and calls from people who felt attacked (this is even with me being sure i did not attack any particular group in my responses)
  2. just as many people reaching out to express guilt over their own lack of awareness about the racial injustices black people face day to day
  3. friends questioning our closeness because some of what i shared on both my blog and my live was new information
  4. losing followers, likely because they think i am getting “too political” or “too liberal”
  5. the utter exhaustion from the aforementioned

 

on the brighter side, here are some revelations i have had in the time i have had away from blogging:

  1. if someone felt attacked when there was no language whatsoever that could be described as such, it is probably due to feeling like they fall into the category of people who are part of the problem.  and guess what?  that is not my problem
  2. it is not my job to hold space for the guilt of others, even my friends and family unless they specifically ask if i have space to do so AND have a plan of action regarding the work they will be putting in to make the shifts necessary to not only be guilt free, but anti-racist
  3. i am close to a variety of people for a variety of reasons – maybe we bonded over grief, childhood trauma, being working grad students, being women in male dominated workplaces, love for music, etc. – just because we have not gone deep about race does not mean our relationship is not deep.  however, if that is something you would like to dive into, ask me if i have the space to do so and let’s get to it
  4. while i lost followers for simply speaking both the truth and my truth, i gained more – if there is one person who learned something, that is a win in my book
  5. i have slept more in the last week than i typically do in nearly a month.  typically, i would apologize for it or at the very least, attempt to justify it.  with where i am in my life, i don’t feel like i owe anyone other than myself an explanation for taking time for me.  i do not think i have ever allowed myself time off to simply process what it means to be black

 

then, it hit me.  i do not think i have ever been unapologetically black.

 

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artwork by a.b. — gifted to me by hillary conlin

 

there are lots of things that i am both bold and unapologetic about in all spaces.  being a woman.  being passionate about my work.  being an advocate for marginalized groups.  being an absolute nerd when it comes to all things psychology and philosophy oriented.  being plus sized.  while all of these things are important to be bold and unapologetic about, some of them come easily to me.

 

that being said, how bold was i really being?  have there been times where i have minimized myself to make others comfortable with my blackness?  the answer (unfortunately) was yes.  it won’t be any longer.

 

so often, i am one of the only (if not, the only) people in any given space that looks like me.  with that often comes this pressure of being “the perfect black” because of my awareness that so many people in that space may have no other context than what they have seen on television as a representation of all black people.  and while there is a piece of me that is happy that i may have changed the minds of some ignorant people, there is a bigger piece of me that is disappointed in myself for ever muting or minimizing myself.  i can think of times i was angry and deserved to be but stayed quiet or calm because heaven forbid coming off as “the angry black woman” or “the ghetto black woman” – in my quest to be my most vulnerable and authentic self, this has to be acknowledged.  it has to be changed.

 

for all of my friends and followers who were surprised by my last post, i would like to reintroduce myself as kristin – the counselor, the daughter, the sister, the friend, the intj, the monopoly lover, the quality time and acts of service fanatic and most importantly, the unapologetically black woman.

 

one thing i will continue to do (when i feel up to it) is share things that i have learned or discovered.  as someone reading this blog, you can do with it what you wish.  one thing i will no longer do is make myself smaller or quieter to make others feel more comfortable.  that is not my responsibility – it never was.

 

xoxo,

k. tap