happy monday! this month, my spirit has been filled with so much love and joy that i could have literally burst. in recapping our birthdays, anj (who i also refer to as “twin”) and i couldn’t help but think about how grateful we both were for the ways in which our friends showed up for us. while i plan on posting a full birthday recap along with my theme for 34 on the last day of this month, i thought it was fitting that i stumbled across this quote on anj’s birthday a couple of weeks ago (on the 10th).
“dear me, say ‘i love you’ to your friends sincerely and often. love, me”
while words of affirmation are something i have to consciously work at, something i have gotten great at over the years is telling my friends that i love them. whether they are leaving my apartment, we are hanging up a facetime call or we are hugging each other before leaving a restaurant, i make sure to tell my friends i love them. i want them to know how much they mean to me, what they bring to my life and that i do not take them or their presence for granted. in many ways, my blog post on thursday will be a love letter to myself for making it through 33 and to my friends for walking alongside me the entire way. i couldn’t love them more.
when is the last time you told the members of your inner circle you loved them? and no, i don’t just mean on their birthdays or when a tragedy has taken place – how often do you tell your friends you love them? call or text a friend that you love tomorrow and share this with them. tell me how it goes!
you guys – february is in two days. somehow, january has been both the shortest and longest month ever. while i am in disbelief that we are rapidly approaching february, the days have been so packed that each day feels like two days. with february being a month centered around love, especially romantic relationships, i have been asked to do some mental health programming around healthy relationships at the university where i work. while i already have a slide deck prepared and a healthy relationship assessment for students to take, i typically like to have simple takeaways for them. this quote i saw last month will be one of those takeaways – it is so simple yet so critical.
if you’re doing the work, you deserve to be with someone who is also doing the work. it’s simple. -sara kuburic (millennial therapist)
when it comes to relationships of any kind, but especially romantic ones, don’t shortchange yourself by being with someone who is emotionally stunted without a growth mindset if you are someone who is actively doing the work. no matter how much work you do, it will not be enough to offset what someone else is not doing. don’t exhaust yourself by pouring into people who are not able to pour into you or even pour into themselves. it really is simple.
happy sunday and happy new year! i hope january is off to a smooth start for each of you. while i typically view my birthday as the start of my own personal new year, january has felt more significant in the last few years. in fact, today marks five years since i started this blog. we’ve covered everything from travel to grief to favorite recipes to fashion to my journey with covid and everything in between.
a few things that stand out for me as a blogger are:
1. eternal gratitude for the community i have been able to find online
2. an incredibly healthy creative outlet
3. the ability to see all that i’ve conquered in the last five years
in reading through some posts from the last few years, it feels incredibly important to give myself credit for making it to the other side, especially as an even better version of myself. i saw this quote some months back and had it in my favorites folder. i couldn’t think of a better way to kick off the new year than with this attitude:
“today i will show myself gratitude and appreciation for surviving the days that didn’t think i’d make it through.” #fleurdelisspeaks
how are you showing yourself gratitude and appreciation? you deserve both.
my favorite part of this holiday season was hosting some amazing women for a little holiday get together i called “christmas cocktails with kristin” – it was a blast! while typically not a christmas girlie, i wanted to create some festive spirit since i knew i’d be helping to care for my dad over thanksgiving week. it was the best decision i could have made. there is absolutely nothing wrong with creating your own joy.
my little tabletop tree
i found the cute little gift bags (filled with prizes for our game winners), the sign and the christmas candle at hobby lobby. while visiting anj in washington the week before, i was able to find the bulk of what i needed for the party for under $60! truly unreal.
mimosa bar with cranberry blood orange + white cranberry juice options; a holiday punch with cranberry, pineapple, vodka and club soda; red sangria with a cabernet and bourbon + white sangria with a sauvignon blanc and vodka
i love having options for beverages and know that people gravitate towards different things. i wanted the girls to be able to customize their mimosas – maybe you want a lot of juice or maybe you just want enough to change the color. with them being able to pour it themselves versus it being premixed, that was more than doable. a few of my friends get headaches from champagne/sparkling wine so i also did two sangrias and a spiked holiday punch. all were enjoyed!
hot cocoa bar with marshmallows, peppermint crunch, sprinkles, original whipped cream and peppermint whipped cream
for the girls looking for a cozy beverage or a little something sweet, the hot chocolate bar was a hit. while i prefer my hot chocolate with milk, i used this hot water dispenser instead because lactose is not everyone’s friend. the girls being able to add as little or as much cocoa as they wanted was definitely the move.
the girlies 🎄🥂
i wanted everyone to be comfortable so we all wore our favorite christmas pajamas. my little sleep shirt is from asos. while we couldn’t all fit on the photo wall at once, it definitely worked in pairs/trios. reens covered the wall in a festive wrapping paper the night before the party (along with making my place look more festive as a whole).
your therapists need to have fun, too! bagel bar, charcuterie boards and red velvet cupcakes
i like the idea of being able to graze, especially when not having formal place settings for each person. this allowed for just that.
christmas cookie decorating
the cookie decorating contest was hilarious and made me feel like a little kid again. i bought this set at target that included all pre baked cookies along with icing pens and sprinkles. we may or may not have borrowed some toppings from the hot chocolate bar for a little extra flair.
more than anything, i just loved having so many of my favorite women in one place. the holidays can be so tough, especially for those of us who have experienced a significant amount of grief and loss. this felt like a chance to make the holiday season feel more joyous and to do it on my own terms. 10 out of 10 would recommend if you are looking to reclaim the holiday season.
what was your favorite part about the holiday season? i hope that there was at least one part that made you smile like this.
happy sunday! i hope each of you is starting today off in a way that brings you peace. i am typing this from an incredibly comfortable bed with a gorgeous view of the city’s skyline and couldn’t be happier. i was desperately in need of a change of scenery and having a weekend where the only person i am responsible for is me (special shout out to my friend michael for watching misu this weekend!).
if you’ve been following along for awhile, you know that accountability isn’t a new topic (i would recommend watching some of my instagram lives to truly hear more thoughts on this). as both a therapist and just a person, i frequently notice the ways people skirt around taking accountability for harm caused by vocalizing their intentions. here are some examples:
1. “i didn’t tell you the whole story because i didn’t think you could handle it. i didn’t want to cause you additional stress or panic.” while the intention may have been to not cause stress or panic, you have now caused anger, hurt, frustration and are contributing to this person’s ability to trust others.
2. “i didn’t mean to offend you when commenting on how much better you look – i thought i was just complimenting you.” while compliments are often well intentioned, in stating how much better someone looks, you are implying how unattractive you may have found them before. you also may not know why or how this person is losing weight – maybe it is due to stress, illness, etc.
3. “i gave this person another chance because they said they’ve changed.” yes – i do believe in a person’s ability to change yet at the same time, the number of family members, friends and clients who end up even more hurt than before after handing out these extra chances like candy on halloween then being disappointed when the person they gave a second chance to NEVER showed a true commitment to change with ACTIONS is fucking wild. while your intentions might have been to be kind, to keep your family together, to exhibit patience, etc. if you are hurting yourself more in the end, you have to own your part in that.
these are just a few examples of why i chose this thought of the week:
i can only hold you accountable for your actions, no matter how good your intentions may be. -sonya teclai
do intentions matter? absolutely. are they the only thing that matter? absolutely not. your actions matter. the impact of your intentions matter.
what have your experiences been with both accountability and intentionality?
