thought of the week: what a precious privilege it is to be alive

it still feels surreal to say that i am typing this blog post from my new apartment in the bay area. misu is settling wonderfully into our new space and while i miss la and many of the people in it, i am confident i made the right decision both personally and professionally.

today is august 15th. i have been pretty emotional for the last week. while that can be attributed to a variety of things, the closer we came to today’s date, the more heightened my emotions got. i realized that before last year, today’s date was not significant to me. now, it is a date that is forever imprinted in my head and heart. one year ago today, i was transported to the hospital and woke up over two weeks later. it ended up being a 35 day stay that felt like it would never end yet so much has transpired in the 11 months after that in some ways, it feels like five years have passed.

i don’t think most 31 year olds anticipate five week long hospital stays, ventilators, needing to learn how to walk again and just relinquishing independence and control. while i would not wish what happened to me on even my worst enemy, the lessons i learned (and still carry with me) are immeasurable. the most important lesson will sound cliche but has reshaped my worldview – put simply, it is remembering that nothing is owed to us and to not take a single thing for granted.

i came across this quote and it summed up how i have approached each day in the last year perfectly.

“when you arise in the morning, think what a precious privilege it is to be alive, to breathe, to think, to enjoy, to love.” -marcus aurelius

i am grateful to be alive each and every day. i am substantially more intentional with my breathing after having to relearn how to do so on my own. i am thrilled to be able to have free thought and to use my mind to do meaningful work with people in need. i have actively enjoyed things i hardly noticed before. the best part is the love – i have not hesitated in telling the people i love how important they are to me and i have allowed myself to be open to receiving love in a way i did not previously think i was even capable of. the last year has been the healthiest year of my adult life and i wouldn’t change a thing.

when you wake up each morning, what are you grateful for?



thought of the week: be consistent

how are we already in december? these posts started off being called “thought of the week” because i was posting them weekly. getting back into a groove/blogging regularly post covid has been more challenging than i thought it would be. i have missed writing, however, my days are far more packed than they used to be between having a new job, commuting 30 miles each way and going to personal training three days a week after work. by the time i get home, i am wiped out! misu and i curl up on the couch and often fall asleep with bravo blasting in the background. the time change certainly did not help in the energy department. it is pitch black by 5:30pm and i am often yawning before i even get home. with that being said, i had three goals for thanksgiving break: getting a sleep schedule together, thoroughly cleaning my apartment and spending quality time with friends i do not get to see often enough. i am proud to say i accomplished all three and as a result, am feeling both rejuvenated and so excited to get back to blogging regularly.

last week, i had dinner with my best friend, his wonderful wife and two of her friends. we talked about everything from favorite outdoor activities to what we were binging on television to thoughts on covid to how to go about finding the right therapist (something all of us had in common was valuing mental health). over a plethora of tacos and margaritas, we talked about not only our experiences in therapy but finding the right therapist. something i said at dinner (that i also tell my clients) is to be able to differentiate feeling uncomfortable (because it is unfamiliar) versus feeling unsafe. if therapy is something that is a brand new concept, there is a chance it won’t feel great initially and that’s okay. doing the work is what is most important. this quote summed things up perfectly.

“you’ve relied on time to heal your wounds, but time alone isn’t enough. i hope you learn to hold yourself accountable by practicing what is right for you even if it feels uncomfortable or unfamiliar. i hope you adopt a habit of consistency when it comes to how you treat yourself.” -billy chapata

what are you doing to treat yourself better? i will be answering that very question along with many others soon on my next instagram live – questions with k. tap. it is on sunday, 12.12 at 11am pacific standard time. dm me your questions and i look forward to connecting with all of you then!


k. tap

thought of the week: to-do lists are crucial

i am all about list making. on any given day, i have three to-do lists. there are the tasks i need to accomplish in a work setting, things i need to get done around the house and things i want to do for myself (meditation, a long bath, online shopping, etc.). i love writing them out so i can draw a line through each thing once complete. when on the go, i will make these lists in the notes section of my iphone. something i have been thinking of recently is whether or not there is a better way to categorize my to-do lists.

i came across this tweet during the summer and starting in december, i will be making a sincere effort to have this approach:

“i started dividing my to-do list into 1) things i have to do, 2) things i want to do, and 3) things other people want me to do. life changing! i often don’t get to 3 and i finally realized omg, is this what it means to have boundaries?! 🤯🤯🤯” -jenée desmond harris

on the days where i have felt like i am not accomplishing enough, when i take a step back, there have been times where i have made more time for what others wanted me to do instead of what i both needed or wanted to do for myself. in the class i am currently teaching around mental and emotional health & wellness, we recently had a discussion centering around mistaking self prioritization for selfishness. the two are not synonymous, even though we live in a society that would try to convince you of otherwise. there is no need to apologize for putting yourself first.

i’m curious – how do you make your to-do lists?


k. tap

thought of the week: you can decide

last night was my first instagram live since being released from the hospital due to covid. while i was definitely a bit nervous, it felt good to get back into a groove and connect with so many of you. i had multiple questions about my experience with being hospitalized, what recovery was like and how i was coping. if 2021 has taught me anything, it is this powerful message from maya angelou:

“you may not control all the events that happen to you, but you can decide not to be reduced by them.” -maya angelou via InHerShoes Movement

having covid, being hospitalized for 35 days and having to learn how to do the most basic things felt like i had been hit with a ton of bricks. initially, there was a complete loss of control. however, what i did have control over was how i responded and what i chose to do with my new lease on life. there is nothing more empowering than that.


k. tap

thought of the week: investing in yourself

it has been almost three months since my last blog post. i wish i could say it was due to being on a luxurious vacation, preferably one with beautiful beaches and delicious cocktails. unfortunately, that was not the case.

back in august, i was making the transition to a new job that i was (and still am) incredibly excited about, i was working out with my amazing trainer four days per week (and one day a week outside of that) and spending quality time with friends to enjoy the last bit of summer. all of that came to a screeching halt on august 15th. when i woke up in the hospital on august 31st, to say i was confused would be a gross understatement.

the week of august 9th, i had back pain one day. i linked it to moving a ton of boxes into my new office and figured i may have moved incorrectly while weightlifting. having a slight headache that same week was not alarming after being in 100+ degree weather and as someone that has suffered from migraines since 9th grade, i slept it off. thursday of that week, after leaving personal training, i had to pull over because it no longer felt safe to drive. it felt like i had been hit over the head. that scared me a bit. i called twin (anjelica, for those of you that are new here) and she helped to calm me down, stayed on the line with me until i got to a safe location and continued to listen to my breathing while i slept in the car for about 30 minutes. once i woke up, i drove to my office. initially, my plan was to unpack my office but i figured it could be beneficial to nap on the couch in my office before driving 20+ miles home. i did just that. i did not feel 100% better when i woke up but my head was not throbbing and there was no dizziness so i drove home. it comforted me to be on the phone (first, with twin and then with jaclyn) – i knew i would not fall asleep and if something went wrong, either of them could place an emergency call for me. thankfully, i had that friday off from work. my friends ck and melissa were both arriving that day to attend our friend jose’s wedding on saturday. i did not leave my house friday – rest was definitely needed. on saturday, we got ready for the wedding. i felt myself moving slower than normal but did not have a headache or back pain that day. even still, i should have known something was wrong when i only consumed half a glass of wine and a beer at a wedding with an open bar. after the beautiful ceremony, a stellar cocktail hour and a moving dinner/set of speeches, i asked ck to take me home. fortunately, the wedding was only five miles from my house so it was not too much of an inconvenience. on the way short ride home, i fell asleep. because of how long ck and i have known one another and the countless nights he has seen me fall asleep, he was able to notice that my breathing sounded labored. with my mom already feeling sick that day, he called twin to ask what he should do. twin called my brother and my brother woke up my dad. i was fast asleep in bed when those calls were made and when my dad arrived. he took my temperature and asked a number of questions. i had no fever and was able to answer all of his questions coherently. even though he had to trek across town, he was sure to mention how grateful i should be to have such great friends and that it was better to be safe than sorry. that is the last thing i remember – the night of august 14th. when i woke up in the hospital, it was august 31st.

after coming off of sedation, i was still intubated. i knew that i was in a hospital based on my hospital bracelet, my surroundings and certain conversations i remembered overhearing while sedated. but how long i had been there or why i was there was a mystery. since i could not move my legs when i woke up and had no recollection of getting to the hospital, i thought that maybe i might have been in a bad car accident (which could explain not being able to move my legs and the memory loss). once i noticed the whiteboard across the room, it had a bunch of information. shout out to my perfect vision because it helped me to read everything from my name to the names of my nursing staff for that particular shift to my mom’s information (which at least let me know that she knew where i was) to the date to the reason for hospitalization. the date read 8.31.21 which i assumed was an error. there was no way that i had been unconscious for 16 days. upon seeing the reason for hospitalization, it said covid. i was floored.

not only had i been tested regularly and wearing masks whenever indoors, but the symptoms most of us had been told to look out for were not present. i never had a fever, lost my sense of taste or smell or had any symptoms that resembled the flu. the next couple of days in icu were bizarre. so many doctors and nurses were grateful that i made it. i found out that my blood oxygen level was at 41 the sunday that i was transported. if it had not been for melissa reaching out to my mom (paired with my mother’s intuition), i may not have made it to the hospital to receive the care i needed. one of the conversations that stood out the most to me in icu was with a doctor who has been working in the icu during the entire pandemic. he talked to me about seeing more covid cases than he could count with patients from a variety of ethnic backgrounds, ages, body types and of course, both vaccinated and unvaccinated. something he had noticed amongst the people that have the highest recovery rate is that they had one thing in common – the overwhelming majority of them had been physically active for at least the previous 90 days. something about being physically active seems to increase the lung capacity – that is crucial in beating covid. the doctor had been in touch with my mother while i was sedated and found out that i had been consistently working out for five months before being hospitalized.

when the doctor asked me what inspired a change in my lifestyle back in march, i told him that the only two things in life i have ever been completely sure about are being a therapist (which i am already doing) and being a mom. when i thought about what it would take to have a healthy pregnancy, especially with my medical history, dropping weight and just taking better care of myself was not something that was negotiable. since i tend to get ultra contemplative around my birthday, when i thought about what i wanted to accomplish in the next year, five years and 20 years, family was on the five and 10 year lists – that was in february. by mid march, i was seeing angel from grit and gratitude fitness regularly. as soon as i was strong enough to use my phone, i called her and i wept. hearing the doctor say that i probably would not have made it if not for the work i had been putting in with her made me incredibly emotional. i could not have been more grateful. the time, money and effort were all worth it. as the doctor said, i was “preparing my body for a war i did not know i would be fighting.”

i came across this quote during my recovery process and it stuck with me.

“self care is not an expense, it’s an investment” -courtesy of poosh

if you poll 10 people, you will probably get 10 different answers on how each of them defines self care. for me, especially in my 30s, self care looks like self prioritization. when figuring out how to incorporate personal training into my monthly budget, i reminded myself that if i am willing to spend money on wine club memberships, music festivals and various items from nordstrom, i could and SHOULD be willing to spend money on my health. after waking up from a terrible case of covid with absolutely no respiratory issues, it truly proved to me that choosing to train with angel was not an expense, it was an investment. i would not be telling this story otherwise.

the start of september was a whirlwind. after leaving icu, i was transferred to the covid wing. once there, i started physical therapy – well, i attempted to. with the help of three physical therapists, i could not stand up. i was devastated. i allowed myself to mope for exactly one day then it was time to saddle up. i requested as much physical and occupational therapy as they would give me and did hours worth of exercises on my own each day, especially once transferred to the recovery wing. in less than two weeks, i was standing without assistance, using my walker to get around my room and the hallways and overall, needing less assistance. while being discharged was next up, there was no way i could go to my apartment – there are too many steep stairs. my mother was gracious enough to host me in her home for the last 12 days of september and the start of october. by october 5th, i was able to conquer my stairs during physical therapy without assistance and returned home shortly thereafter.

while i am still moving more slowly than what i was previously accustomed to, i have retired my walker and use my cane from time to time. i go back to work for the first time later today and am anxiously anticipating meeting my new students.

one thing is for certain: i have absolutely no regrets when it comes to investing in self care.

how are you taking care of yourself?


k. tap

p.s. it feels good to be back!