thought of the week: making people uncomfortable

we might be in a different month but i am still obsessing over “more than enough” by elaine welteroth. i find myself referencing gems from her book over and over again in session with clients.

most recently, i was working with a young woman who apologizes quite frequently. she apologizes when she is voicing her opinion. she apologizes when she disagrees with someone else. she apologizes for simply being who she is. we have been doing a great deal of work to explore where that comes from. what exactly is she sorry for? who does she find herself most frequently apologizing to? the answer was simple: she is sorry if anyone is perceived as being uncomfortable or inconvenienced and she most frequently apologizes to her father (and any other authority figure). i had to read her this line…

“women aren’t taught to get comfortable with making people uncomfortable.” -elaine welteroth

in hearing it, she was stunned. there was this realization that her father would not even consider apologizing when necessary, much less because someone else was slightly uncomfortable. why had she been conditioned to do so? she put getting more comfortable with making people uncomfortable on her summer to do list. as she preps to leave for college, i couldn’t think of anything better.

xoxo,

k. tap

thought of the week: your own lane

i am less than one week away from starting to work with my wellness coach/trainer. someone asked me how i was feeling about it today and i answered honestly – i was terrified. i know that i am in the right place at the right time PLUS i truly believe this is the right person to facilitate this journey with me. even still, there was this fear.

when thinking about where that fear stemmed from, i realized that on some level, i was comparing myself to others. whether it was people i knew personally or what i was ingesting through media, i had temporarily lost sight of what i truly needed to be focused on. the only person i need to be in competition with is myself – as long as i am better than i was the day before, that is more than enough. it made me think of this quote i ran across last month:

“when you’re in your own lane, there’s no traffic.” -ava duvernay

i couldn’t have said it better.

xoxo,

k. tap

thought of the week: what is gaslighting?

this blog post is long overdue. on my instagram live in december, there was a question about gaslighting and many of you messaged me about doing a full length post on it. between the end of the year not wrapping up as i anticipated + the start of the new year being brutal both at work and in the world, i didn’t have the energy to tackle this topic. it’s an important one that deserves my full attention.

first things first – what is gaslighting? gaslighting is a specific type of manipulation where the manipulator is trying to get a person(s) to question their own reality, memory or perception.

during grad school, i found myself frequenting the psychology today website. during my final year in my mft program, there was this great article on 11 warning signs of gaslighting. it is a quick and easy way to analyze whether or not the relationships you are in are truly healthy. let’s get to these 11 warning signs:

1. they tell blatant lies

2. they deny they ever said something, even though you have proof

3. they use what is near and dear to you as ammunition

4. they wear you down over time

5. their actions do not match their words

6. they throw in positive reinforcement to confuse you

7. they know confusion weakens people

8. they project

9. they try and align people against you

10. they tell you or others that you are crazy

11. they tell you everyone else is a liar

any of these individually are less than ideal but it would make more sense that a person could miss that this was happening in the first place if they appeared as isolated events. it would also make sense for a person who grew up being gaslit by their family may not recognize how controlling and manipulative said behavior is when building relationships with friends and partners as an adult.

as we kick off a new year, i encourage you to take a step back and look closely at the most significant relationships in your life. are each of them free of this kind of behavior? if not, why is this behavior being tolerated by you?

if struggling to end a relationship where you are being gaslit, just remember to treat/talk to yourself like someone you love.

xoxo,

k. tap

52 lists

earlier this year, i was gifted two separate care packages from extraordinary friends from boxfox. while there were a wide array of goodies, something both boxes had in common were journals. i noticed one journal looked similar to another i had been gifted for my birthday. it is as though my friends knew what i needed even when i didn’t.

let me introduce you to 52 lists by moorea seal…

outside of the journals being beautiful, something i love is that while you can easily do an entry per week since there are 52 lists in each book, there is no pressure if you miss a week because there are no dates printed in the journals. while i am nowhere near finished with each journal, in looking ahead at the prompts for the year, i loved each enough to gift to friends and have recommended both to clients on journeys to create calm and/or happiness in their own lives.

52 lists for happiness – weekly journaling inspiration for positivity, balance and joy is broken down into four parts: reflect, acknowledge, invest and transform. some of my favorite prompts are: list the best choices you have made in your life so far; list the things in your life you are actually able to control; list the ways that you think someone you love would describe you; list the people you want to spend more time with before the end of the year; list how where you are right now fulfills dreams and desires of your past.

52 lists for calm – journaling inspiration for soothing anxiety and creating a peaceful life is broken down into four parts, as well: be present, look back, move forward and release. some of my favorite prompts are: list the ways that you tend to feel stress in yourself body; list the songs that feel like comfort, peace, calm and rest; list all the people in your life that you have felt comfortable talking to and felt heard by; list the people you think of as your chosen family; list the things you would say to other people if you had the courage.

if looking for a way to treat yourself or an incredibly thoughtful gift to give to someone, you can find 52 lists for happiness and 52 lists for calm on amazon.

do you have either of these? if not, do you have any of the other 52 lists journals?

xoxo,

k. tap

52 lists

earlier this year, i was gifted two separate care packages from extraordinary friends from boxfox. while there were a wide array of goodies, something both boxes had in common were journals. i noticed one journal looked similar to another i had been gifted for my birthday. it is as though my friends knew what i needed even when i didn’t.

let me introduce you to 52 lists by moorea seal…

outside of the journals being beautiful, something i love is that while you can easily do an entry per week since there are 52 lists in each book, there is no pressure if you miss a week because there are no dates printed in the journals. while i am nowhere near finished with each journal, in looking ahead at the prompts for the year, i loved each enough to gift to friends and have recommended both to clients on journeys to create calm and/or happiness in their own lives.

52 lists for happiness – weekly journaling inspiration for positivity, balance and joy is broken down into four parts: reflect, acknowledge, invest and transform. some of my favorite prompts are: list the best choices you have made in your life so far; list the things in your life you are actually able to control; list the ways that you think someone you love would describe you; list the people you want to spend more time with before the end of the year; list how where you are right now fulfills dreams and desires of your past.

52 lists for calm – journaling inspiration for soothing anxiety and creating a peaceful life is broken down into four parts, as well: be present, look back, move forward and release. some of my favorite prompts are: list the ways that you tend to feel stress in yourself body; list the songs that feel like comfort, peace, calm and rest; list all the people in your life that you have felt comfortable talking to and felt heard by; list the people you think of as your chosen family; list the things you would say to other people if you had the courage.

if looking for a way to treat yourself or an incredibly thoughtful gift to give to someone, you can find 52 lists for happiness and 52 lists for calm on amazon.

do you have either of these? if not, do you have any of the other 52 lists journals?

xoxo,

k. tap