happy sunday! i hope each of you is starting today off in a way that brings you peace. i am typing this from an incredibly comfortable bed with a gorgeous view of the city’s skyline and couldn’t be happier. i was desperately in need of a change of scenery and having a weekend where the only person i am responsible for is me (special shout out to my friend michael for watching misu this weekend!).

if you’ve been following along for awhile, you know that accountability isn’t a new topic (i would recommend watching some of my instagram lives to truly hear more thoughts on this). as both a therapist and just a person, i frequently notice the ways people skirt around taking accountability for harm caused by vocalizing their intentions. here are some examples:

1. “i didn’t tell you the whole story because i didn’t think you could handle it. i didn’t want to cause you additional stress or panic.” while the intention may have been to not cause stress or panic, you have now caused anger, hurt, frustration and are contributing to this person’s ability to trust others.

2. “i didn’t mean to offend you when commenting on how much better you look – i thought i was just complimenting you.” while compliments are often well intentioned, in stating how much better someone looks, you are implying how unattractive you may have found them before. you also may not know why or how this person is losing weight – maybe it is due to stress, illness, etc.

3. “i gave this person another chance because they said they’ve changed.” yes – i do believe in a person’s ability to change yet at the same time, the number of family members, friends and clients who end up even more hurt than before after handing out these extra chances like candy on halloween then being disappointed when the person they gave a second chance to NEVER showed a true commitment to change with ACTIONS is fucking wild. while your intentions might have been to be kind, to keep your family together, to exhibit patience, etc. if you are hurting yourself more in the end, you have to own your part in that.

these are just a few examples of why i chose this thought of the week:

do intentions matter? absolutely. are they the only thing that matter? absolutely not. your actions matter. the impact of your intentions matter.

what have your experiences been with both accountability and intentionality?

xoxo,

k.tap