although it may not seem like it, the social media site i enjoy most is twitter.  it removes the fluff and just gets straight to the point.  there are also a ton of brilliant twitter users who share ideas on politics and social issues, beautiful poetry, causes we should be made aware of, the best place to get a f*ck donald trump shirt, and the list goes on…

 

one of the best people i discovered on twitter was billy chapata, an atlanta based  writer/poet/author who constantly makes me feel like he is preaching the most (often heartbreakingly) beautiful sermon directly at me.  recently, he posted something and it just stuck with me:

 

 

there were multiple parts of this that stood out to me.  the first was just looking at how many times the word “sorry” was used.  it made me ask myself how often i was apologizing for things i really had no business apologizing for.  i think this is something many of us can relate to but when i thought about the people in my inner circle, the people i hear apologizing most frequently are women.  so many of my girlfriends are constantly apologizing – to their families, their partners, their friends, their bosses – you name it, they are apologizing for it.  then, i thought to myself – “kristin, what are you typically apologizing for.”  the last line nearly jumped off the page and slapped me across the face.

 

“my growth owes you no apologies.”

 

growth.  i had been apologizing for growth.  i had been apologizing for not remaining stagnant.  i had been apologizing for challenging myself.  i had been apologizing for requiring reciprocity in all of my relationships.  i had been apologizing for needing to prioritize my own needs (and sanity, for that matter).  i had been apologizing for loving myself.

 

while i may not have been literally saying “i am sorry i need to prioritize my own needs”, when i would say “i am sorry i cannot make it to dinner on friday” and feel some type of guilt afterwards, i might as well have been apologizing for self-prioritization.  in 2015, i made a commitment to myself to say the word “no” more often.  “no” is a full sentence.  try it. no.

 

now, this was an adjustment.  not just for me but for those around me that had become ridiculously accustomed to me saying “yes” to absolutely everything, even if it meant running myself into the ground.  being that i was in grad school and working multiple jobs, something had to give.  i had an excellent boss (who is now more like an older sister), galina.  she asked us to set 10 intentions for the year and one of them had to deal with challenging yourself.  my challenge to myself was to use the word “no” more often.  by the end of 2015, i had mastered it.  i was like a two year old. it was oddly liberating but not quite freeing enough.  the true game changer was when i decided that for 2016, i would figure out how to remove the guilt associated with saying that oddly huge two letter word.  why was i feeling guilty about self-prioritization?

 

that shit had to stop.

 

ask yourself the following questions: what sense does it make to apologize for loving myself?  and furthermore, how can i properly love anyone else if i am not first doing it here, at home, with myself?  this realization, for me, was extraordinary.

 

do not apologize for growing (or outgrowing a person, place, job, situation, etc.).

 

 

as someone who majored in psychology in undergrad, then went on to study counseling psychology in grad school, i have taken more personality assessments than i care to count.  some of them seemed like total bullshit – this includes ones that painted me in a “perfect” type of way.  one that has always seemed reliable (including shifting my results when i as a person shifted) was the myers briggs assessment.

 

there are 16 different personality types that are different combinations of the following letters: e or i (extrovert or introvert), n or s (intuitive or sensing), f or t (feeling or thinking) and j or p (judging or perceiving).

 

in administering this assessment to people who have worked for me, clients, friends, family and peers, the most common surprise is that first letter – e or i – extroversion or introversion. this seems to stem from the warped definition people have about these words.  for whatever reason, introversion gets a bad rap.  people seem to view introversion as being synonymous with being anti-social, closed off or even rude.  in reality, the true difference between extroverts and introverts is where people in each category get their energy from.  an extrovert recharges around others – that is what makes them feel alive.  an introvert recharges (best) alone – that is what makes them thrive in situations around others; it does not mean they do not enjoy socialization.  i would highly suggest giving this to people you work with if you find that you are having trouble communicating with one another or just as a fun team building exercise.  it has definitely been useful in helping me understand my friends and family members in a better way.

 

there are thought to be four categories that hold the different types of personalities:

1. analysts (intj, intp, entj, entp)
2. diplomats (infj, infp, enfj, enfp)
3. explorers (istp, isfp, estp, esfp)
4. sentinels (istj, isfj, estj, esfj)

 

i have taken the test on several different sites and just with pen + paper but my favorite place to take it (that offers the most thorough explanations of each type) is here.  this particular site offers a breakdown of each personality type in the following categories:  an introduction, strengths & weaknesses, emotions, romantic relationships, friendships, parenthood, career paths, workplace habits and a sweet little conclusion to wrap it all up.

 

 

if you couldn’t tell by how thoroughly i explained how misunderstood the people who are introverts can be, my personality type is intj – that falls under the analyst category and is often described as the architect of the bunch; us intjs are strategic and have a plan for absolutely everything.  anyone on here that knows me personally can vouch for me when i say i absolutely love planning, organization, color coding and anything that can streamline a process.  intj is the most rare personality type (only 2% of the population and only 0.8% of women).

 

there are wonderful things about this personality type that ring true for me and there are also areas i am constantly trying to work on about this personality type that could not be more accurate.  some of those wonderful things include: confidence, ability and willingness to question everything, hard working and a person who can wear multiple hats with ease.  some of the not so wonderful things are: being overly analytical (sometimes, to my detriment), passing judgment (outside of my role as a therapist) and my strong disdain for overly (or unnecessarily, in my opinion) structured environments with no room for movement and/or improvement.  some public figures you may know who share my personality type are: elon musk, michelle obama, friedrich nietzsche, gandalf (from lord of the rings – we can discuss my obsession with this at a later time).

 

to read more about my complex personality, click here.

 

i would love to hear what you think about the assessment and your results! share them with me in the comments section.

 

xoxo,

k.tap