with valentine’s day being just around the corner, love is definitely on the brain.  interestingly enough, when i think of valentine’s day, i do not just think about love in the romantic sense – i think about love between friends and family as well.

what does love mean to you?  merriam webster has several definitions but the two i gravitate towards are: 1. strong affection for another arising out of kinship or personal ties, 2. warm attachment, enthusiasm, or devotion.  both definitions are simple yet beautiful and tug at my heartstrings.

as i do with most things, i started to think about my clients.  specifically, the ones who seem nearly unable or incapable of receiving love from another, no matter the nature of the relationship.  it is something that is heartbreaking to witness but happens more often than you’d think.  i came across this quote and couldn’t resist sharing it.

“heal, so when someone tells you they love you, you may allow yourself to believe them.”

so many of my clients who come to my office unable to accept love are in that space because they have not gone through the healing process from previous traumas with people who may have said they loved them but did not really know how to love them in the way they needed to be loved.  unfortunately, it is not on the other party to do or help facilitate that healing.  it is up to each person to do their healing individually.

part of why that healing is so crucial is because we want to be able to open ourselves up to people deserving of our love.  this does not mean we are naive and simply accept any love someone is offering if it is not love that suits us.  however, it does mean that we are simply seeing love with a new lens and not completely ruling it out because of previous experiences that did not go according to plan.

do you believe it when someone tells you they love you? have you done your healing?  if not, are you willing to start?

happy (early) valentine’s day – i love you.

xoxo,

k. tap

hey there.  my intention was to do this post on monday morning but if i am keeping it 100, i was definitely in a slump after hearing the news about kobe and gianna’s passing along with seven other passengers (two of them being 13 year old girls from gianna’s team).  i am not much of a cryer and on sunday night, i literally had to ice my eyes because the swelling was just out of control.  it seems like the whole world stopped – los angeles certainly did.  anyway, i wanted to give myself the space and grace to process instead of just operating as if i was not in a state of mourning.  i knew my blog would be waiting for me when i was ready to circle back and here we are.

something i have found to be a common theme amongst my clients is self doubt. or at least that’s what they think they are suffering from. after doing a bit of a dive, we often often come to find that they did not start off doubting themselves but after telling a friend, family member or another “trusted party” about their dreams or aspirations, they were dismissed or discounted. they are often told of all of the reasons why something won’t work or why what they have their heart set on isn’t attainable. another thing that often happens is being ill advised. more often than not, it is coming from a party who hasn’t even walked a block in their shoes.

earlier this month, i came across this quote from a dear friend, jude. per usual, she hit the nail on the head.

“be wary of advice from those who’ve never been where you want to be. it’s easy to critique from the stands rather than play on the court.” -jude

it not only made me think of my clients but it made me think of how my younger self often allowed others to project their insecurities onto me which slowed down (or completely stopped) my evolvement into greatness.

this is something to serve as your friendly friday reminder to think twice about who you are seeking advice from, what their intentions are, what the impact is and whether or not their journey makes them suitable to be your guide.

xoxo,

k. tap

about a week ago, i reposted a quote from garcelle (an amazing actress who will also be on this upcoming season of real housewives of beverly hills – so excited to see a black woman on this franchise). anyway, i got a surprising number of dms about it and more specifically, why women felt the need to choose between these two things. it is almost as though the two cannot coexist within one being. i definitely beg to differ.

“be a badass with a big heart.”

in the world we live in, people, especially women, are often put into boxes. that being said, there is this idea that you are either a badass that gets shit done who is cold and icy or you are this emotional, blubbering mess with a huge heart but an inability to think rationally or accomplish things that require logic, skill and focus.

but here’s the thing: i am a badass with a big heart.

i accomplish the goals i set for myself, i take risks, i am independent and i am unapologetic. all of these things are associated with being a badass. at the same time, i am often called mama bear or mom by friends because i am a caretaker, i work as a therapist and if i love you, my love knows no bounds. long ago, i stopped apologizing for being a badass to make people more comfortable. i also stopped hiding the softer side of me for fear of being viewed as weak.

i have come to learn that the best people i know don’t choose because you can be both. my favorite humans are beautiful and bold badasses with the biggest hearts.

do you feel like both can coexist or do you feel pressured to be just one or the other?

xoxo,

k. tap

in sessions with my clients, when they show me/bring up quotes about love, it is evident that their minds automatically go in the direction of romantic relationships.  i often challenge them to think about how they love themselves, the love between them and their families, friends, etc.

when i saw this quote from billy chapata about love, i thought both about how murky the waters can be with family, friends (the family you choose) or a partner.

“when love for someone starts jeopardizing the love you should have for yourself, then it’s never worth it.  love shouldn’t hinder you, it should elevate you.  love should never silence you, it should give you a voice.  love should never weigh you down, it should help you grow wings.” -billy chapata aka iambrillyant

LISTEN (yes, i did have to use caps for emphasis so you know it is real af).

i thought about all of the ways i used to compromise who i was (i will at some point have to do a post on how i do not believe in compromise) to better fit the mold of who i thought the other person wanted me to be for the relationship (whether that person was a parent, a friend or a partner).  i thought about times where i felt small as a result of the relationships i was engaging in with people i loved who claimed to love me.  i thought about the times where i felt suffocated by someone who truly believed they loved me.  and what i realized is this:

while they may have truly loved me, even loved me to the very best of their ability, it does not mean that they were capable of loving me in the ways i needed to be loved.  the best types of love i have experienced have made me feel even more like myself.  the best types of love have made me feel completely liberated.

are you currently loving someone in a way that jeopardizes how you love yourself?  if so, what are you going to do to change it?

xoxo,

k. tap