Tag: mental health

thought of the week: love withdrawals

i tend to be my most reflective self as my birthday draws near. with 31 being less than a week away, i’ve thought about what i want my theme or mantra for the year to be. each year, i choose a word. while i am fairly certain i have the word selected, i have been doing a lot of introspection. i have been paying close attention to how i treat myself during the good, the bad and the ugly moments. i had noticed a trend in those not so good moments – i wasn’t treating myself with kindness, grace or tenderness. i thought about where that stemmed from. this quote hit the nail on the head.



“there may have been a parent or adult in your life who withdrew love as a form of punishment. be aware of any way in which you withdraw love, presence, or connection from your own self. part of your healing is finding ways to do for yourself what another may not have been able to.” -vienna pharaon

listen. reading this gave me chills. then, i read it again. and again.

yes. i had multiple adults in my life growing up who loved me unconditionally. thank god for them. i also had a significant adult in my life who made it their job to withdraw love, affection and care as a form of punishment. i didn’t realize just how impactful that would be not just in my relationships with others, but in my relationship with myself. as an adult, i have definitely noticed instances where i called myself “holding myself accountable” when in reality, i was withdrawing love. even if i am holding myself accountable, the love i have for myself does not need to be lessened. i would even argue that when times are tough, i might need to rev up the love i typically show/give myself.

a huge part of my healing has been loving myself consistently. if you aren’t already on this train, hop on.

xoxo,

k. tap

thought of the week: what is gaslighting?

this blog post is long overdue. on my instagram live in december, there was a question about gaslighting and many of you messaged me about doing a full length post on it. between the end of the year not wrapping up as i anticipated + the start of the new year being brutal both at work and in the world, i didn’t have the energy to tackle this topic. it’s an important one that deserves my full attention.

first things first – what is gaslighting? gaslighting is a specific type of manipulation where the manipulator is trying to get a person(s) to question their own reality, memory or perception.

during grad school, i found myself frequenting the psychology today website. during my final year in my mft program, there was this great article on 11 warning signs of gaslighting. it is a quick and easy way to analyze whether or not the relationships you are in are truly healthy. let’s get to these 11 warning signs:

1. they tell blatant lies

2. they deny they ever said something, even though you have proof

3. they use what is near and dear to you as ammunition

4. they wear you down over time

5. their actions do not match their words

6. they throw in positive reinforcement to confuse you

7. they know confusion weakens people

8. they project

9. they try and align people against you

10. they tell you or others that you are crazy

11. they tell you everyone else is a liar

any of these individually are less than ideal but it would make more sense that a person could miss that this was happening in the first place if they appeared as isolated events. it would also make sense for a person who grew up being gaslit by their family may not recognize how controlling and manipulative said behavior is when building relationships with friends and partners as an adult.

as we kick off a new year, i encourage you to take a step back and look closely at the most significant relationships in your life. are each of them free of this kind of behavior? if not, why is this behavior being tolerated by you?

if struggling to end a relationship where you are being gaslit, just remember to treat/talk to yourself like someone you love.

xoxo,

k. tap

guess who turned two today?

admittedly, i have been off the map post christmas. normally, i would apologize. 30 year old me will not. i took some much needed time away from my macbook since i had a couple of weeks off from work which meant being able to avoid the double digit number of google meets/zooms and prolonged blue light exposure that typically fill my weeks. at the beginning of this week, i made a list of topics i wanted to cover within the next two weeks. then it occurred to me that something special was happening on the 7th…

it seems like just yesterday that i sent out a group text to my girls about voting on names for this blog. keep up with k. tap had a nice to ring to it (and coincidentally received the most votes).

like many people, i thought 2020 would pan out differently than it did. i kicked off the year with some amazing moments, including turning 30 and having the most epic birthday celebration in vegas. exactly one month later, the world as we once knew it shut down. being the planner i am, i mapped out all of the topics i wanted to post about month by month. little did i know that i would end up being so burned out on all things screen oriented. even still, there were definitely some memorable posts this year. i took what many of you said into consideration and showed my face more on the blog. those were some of the top posts for 2020.

there was some variety in what spoke to you all but the top three were ones i loved as well. the most liked (and commented on) post was about normalizing apologizing to children. while there were some photos from vegas that i adored that made the top nine, the most liked photo of me was one that was completely carefree from some much needed time away in indio this summer. plus, who doesn’t love a yellow bikini? and the final of the three might be my favorite quote from the last year. it is simple yet significant – choose people that choose you.

more than anything, i appreciated having my blog in 2020 as a way to connect with people i know and love plus people i have had the pleasure of meeting online. this was a year where it was important to know that even if we were physically alone, there are still people here for you. many of my posts felt incredibly raw and vulnerable. some stirred up controversy. i got wild direct messages and even lost followers but i wouldn’t change a thing. i can see my growth and that makes me so excited for 2021.

what would you like to see more of on keep up with k.tap this year?

thank you so much for your continued support. it means the world to me. two down, forever to go.

xoxo,

k. tap

52 lists

earlier this year, i was gifted two separate care packages from extraordinary friends from boxfox. while there were a wide array of goodies, something both boxes had in common were journals. i noticed one journal looked similar to another i had been gifted for my birthday. it is as though my friends knew what i needed even when i didn’t.

let me introduce you to 52 lists by moorea seal…

outside of the journals being beautiful, something i love is that while you can easily do an entry per week since there are 52 lists in each book, there is no pressure if you miss a week because there are no dates printed in the journals. while i am nowhere near finished with each journal, in looking ahead at the prompts for the year, i loved each enough to gift to friends and have recommended both to clients on journeys to create calm and/or happiness in their own lives.

52 lists for happiness – weekly journaling inspiration for positivity, balance and joy is broken down into four parts: reflect, acknowledge, invest and transform. some of my favorite prompts are: list the best choices you have made in your life so far; list the things in your life you are actually able to control; list the ways that you think someone you love would describe you; list the people you want to spend more time with before the end of the year; list how where you are right now fulfills dreams and desires of your past.

52 lists for calm – journaling inspiration for soothing anxiety and creating a peaceful life is broken down into four parts, as well: be present, look back, move forward and release. some of my favorite prompts are: list the ways that you tend to feel stress in yourself body; list the songs that feel like comfort, peace, calm and rest; list all the people in your life that you have felt comfortable talking to and felt heard by; list the people you think of as your chosen family; list the things you would say to other people if you had the courage.

if looking for a way to treat yourself or an incredibly thoughtful gift to give to someone, you can find 52 lists for happiness and 52 lists for calm on amazon.

do you have either of these? if not, do you have any of the other 52 lists journals?

xoxo,

k. tap

52 lists

earlier this year, i was gifted two separate care packages from extraordinary friends from boxfox. while there were a wide array of goodies, something both boxes had in common were journals. i noticed one journal looked similar to another i had been gifted for my birthday. it is as though my friends knew what i needed even when i didn’t.

let me introduce you to 52 lists by moorea seal…

outside of the journals being beautiful, something i love is that while you can easily do an entry per week since there are 52 lists in each book, there is no pressure if you miss a week because there are no dates printed in the journals. while i am nowhere near finished with each journal, in looking ahead at the prompts for the year, i loved each enough to gift to friends and have recommended both to clients on journeys to create calm and/or happiness in their own lives.

52 lists for happiness – weekly journaling inspiration for positivity, balance and joy is broken down into four parts: reflect, acknowledge, invest and transform. some of my favorite prompts are: list the best choices you have made in your life so far; list the things in your life you are actually able to control; list the ways that you think someone you love would describe you; list the people you want to spend more time with before the end of the year; list how where you are right now fulfills dreams and desires of your past.

52 lists for calm – journaling inspiration for soothing anxiety and creating a peaceful life is broken down into four parts, as well: be present, look back, move forward and release. some of my favorite prompts are: list the ways that you tend to feel stress in yourself body; list the songs that feel like comfort, peace, calm and rest; list all the people in your life that you have felt comfortable talking to and felt heard by; list the people you think of as your chosen family; list the things you would say to other people if you had the courage.

if looking for a way to treat yourself or an incredibly thoughtful gift to give to someone, you can find 52 lists for happiness and 52 lists for calm on amazon.

do you have either of these? if not, do you have any of the other 52 lists journals?

xoxo,

k. tap