Tag: reciprocity

thought of the week: standing in the rain

today is one of my favorite days of the year – it’s my wifey’s birthday!

reens + me

reens (maureen) and i met back in 2013 while working at acura. both of us were pursuing degrees – reens was in undergrad and i was in grad school. we joke around about how i really was not looking for any new friends however with her being just as beautiful inside as she is outside, it was impossible not to fall in love with her. we eventually left acura and stayed in touch throughout. it was an added bonus when we found ourselves working at honda together. it was almost eery to be able to work and communicate so seamlessly with someone – it is like we would read each other’s minds.

as if 25-30 hours a week together at work wasn’t enough, we found ourselves doing weekly wine nights, brunches on weekends we weren’t working and traveling together (including a vegas trip we planned for a dozen people where i was there for less than 12 hours before going back to work 🙃). reens helped plan my surprise going away party in 2017 before i moved back to la and even with me being away from the bay, we didn’t skip a beat. when she left the bay to move to chicago for grad school, we really just showed that long distance is doable if you’re down to do the work. never in a million years did i imagine we would both be back in the bay in our 30s but man – i am so happy we are together again. and yesterday, eight of us got together to celebrate our favorite girl.

birthday brunch for reens!

during brunch, i asked everyone to think about their favorite quality and/or memory of reens they would like to share to commemorate the first 32 years of her life and to usher in a wonderful 33rd year (this was initiated by one of my best friends, theo, at my 34th birthday and it was such an unexpected treat). as the seven of us went around sharing what we loved most about reens, there was definitely some overlap in what was vocalized from what a great host she is to how her smile lights up any space she enters to her unparalleled energy – just to name a few. one of the things that stood out the most to me was the way we each talked about how reens has shown up for each of us without hesitation, even when life was throwing curveballs in her direction. when i came across this quote today, it seemed like it was meant for reens (and for my first blog back in months!):

“its about who stands in the rain with you, when they also have a choice to be dry. remember that.”

be sure you choose people who value reciprocity and who are willing to stand in the rain with you.

happy birthday, wifey! i love you endlessly.

xoxo,

k. tap

thought of the week: showing up

between the laughter and tears of joy at my 33rd birthday celebration, i took a moment to speak to my family + friends who were present to express my deep sense of gratitude. without question, my love languages are quality time and acts of service. walking into a room full of people i love with my entire heart nearly knocked the wind out of me. once i gathered myself, i spoke about how each person was present for a reason, one being the reciprocity between us. sometimes, i think it is easy to take reciprocal relationships for granted. i certainly don’t at this stage in my life. it was beautiful to witness my people simply showing up for me.

“i love when someone shows up for you in the same way you do for them…that’s rare.”

in seeing this quote, i am fortunate that many people come to mind. someone who consistently knocks it out of the park is jaclyn. we’ve known each other for 15 years this fall. from living in the same dorm to working in psych research labs to being roommates after college to working together in residence life while in the same grad school program to being present for every major life event (graduations, weddings, big moves, funerals, birth of children, etc.) and now, both being therapists – jaclyn has ALWAYS had both the ability and the willingness to meet me exactly where i am. the added bonus of being in jaclyn’s life? being welcomed into her family as if they were my very own. we have grown closer even while our lives have been more full than what we knew we could each handle. somehow, we manage to fill one another’s cups. it is rare and i am grateful beyond belief.

jaclyn + i at her wedding in july ‘16

happy birthday, jaclyn. thank you for modeling that it is in fact possible to have it all – family, friends, health and wellness, an amazing private practice and so much more. i admire and love you more than i could ever describe. cheers to 33.

xoxo,

k. tap

thought of the week: impact > longevity

i hope summer has been treating each of you well. it is unfathomable that we are in mid august. if you are in california like me, you are likely ready for fall weather because this humidity has been total bullshit.

anyway, i have really missed blogging on a weekly basis. i was chatting with my twin a couple of months ago about how it didn’t feel right to allocate time each week to post when i had as much going on in my life both personally and professionally. in june, i told her that i had a feeling august would be the most stable month of my year thus far and fortunately, that was spot on. it only seemed right to start with a thought of the week.

i consider myself to be rich in my relationships. my grandfather often says that i have this “special something” passed along from my grammy to my mom and uncle and now, to me. the four of us tend to form genuine connections with people no matter the environment – we could be at work, school, the grocery store, a music festival, you name it. over the years, i have been fortunate enough to pick up members of what i’d call my “chosen family” along the way. some i have been fortunate enough to have since i was a baby (like my godsister) and others, i have connected with in the last year (like my colleague turned friend, wilson) since being back at scu. while longevity in relationships is something i deeply appreciate, especially because there are certain things a person is able to have a deeper understanding of because of watching you live/work through a particular experience, the older i’ve gotten, the more i’ve realized how frequently we will give certain behaviors a pass due to longevity while discounting other relationships due to brevity.

there are people who have only been in my life for a handful of years who i truly have reciprocal relationships with – that is more than i can say for some whom i share a bloodline with. i am now in a space where i am hyper aware of the way a relationship adds, or in some cases, subtracts from my life. i am asking myself what was learned? am i better for having the relationship? does the relationship have balance? is the relationship authentic? these questions have truly helped me determine what and who is worth pouring into. this quote summed it up perfectly:

“i have stopped measuring the success of any relationship based on its longevity. instead, i look at its impact. the way the relationship has shaped, changed, inspired, or wounded me speaks to what the relationship really was.” -sara kuburic

what have you been measuring – the longevity or the impact?

xoxo,

k. tap

thought of the week: the theme for 31

first, i cannot believe i am 31. there was such a build up to turning 30 followed by an epic celebration in sin city. this year looked a lot different but i would argue it was equally (if not more) impactful. my mom and i flew for the first time in almost a year and celebrated my birthday in the bay area. since it was home for 10 years, so many of my favorite humans are here. it just made sense (to me) to do a series of outdoor dining dates in small groups. you will get a chance to read about an absolute must for brunch tomorrow.

anyway, each year, i pick a theme for the year centered around one word. in previous years, i have focused on themes like: hustle, vulnerability, unapologetic, etc. back in december, i was driving home from the bay and someone asked me what my plans were for my 31st birthday. while i hadn’t ironed out plans, i knew my theme for 31 ahead of time. 31 was going to be all about reciprocity.

merriam webster defines reciprocity as the quality or state of being reciprocal: mutual dependence, action, or influence. i realized that while i was (and still am) certainly blessed beyond measure when it comes to my friends, there were still some relationships where i was giving much more than i was receiving. being that i give so much of myself at work, i truly don’t have the capacity for anything that i am choosing outside of that to be one sided.

i made sure to make this weekend all about spending time with people i love dearly who love me back in ways that feel good to me. i was out of my hotel room for over 10 hours today but somehow feel rejuvenated. that’s the beauty of reciprocal relationships.

do you have reciprocal relationships in your life? what is your theme for this year of your life?

i am feeling excited about 31.

xoxo,

k. tap

thought of the week: you are allowed to change the price

in the world we live in, there is this unspoken idea that we are supposed to be constantly dialed in.  right now, i am typing this from my macbook that is linked to my imessages with multiple windows open across my four gmail accounts.  when did this become the norm even during summer vacation?  anyone else in the same boat?

 

even with me being dialed in pretty regularly, something i have been working on is accessibility.  it is one thing to have all of these windows on my screen open – it is an entirely different thing to feel an immense pressure to respond to every text, phone call, email, dm, etc.  i am someone that has to be dialed in for work from august to may.  we have been instructed to keep our cell phones on our desks in plain sight so we can see the alert if the school goes on lockdown (what a world we live in).  this is in addition to me working in mental health and getting more texts than i could ever count about crises that need to be addressed immediately.  when i am at work, this does not bother me because i knew that this simply came along with the job.  but it is outside of work that started to chip away at me.

 

there did not seem to be boundaries around my accessibility.  it is like i had made this unconscious decision to be equally accessible for anyone at any given point in time, no matter the reason for contact or my mental/emotional state of being at that moment.  something had to give.  this quote summed it up perfectly.

 

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“you are allowed to change the price of what it costs to access you.”

 

i cannot tell you how much i needed to see this in print or how much it resonated with me.  there were people that had access to me that did not deserve it.  there were people who had access to me that was too easy considering the lack of reciprocity in our relationship.  there were people that accessed me with heavy content without first checking to see if i had the capacity to hold it.  but here’s the thing – i was, am and will be in complete control over who has access to me along with what it costs to access me.  while the cost may not be monetary, it certainly includes things like reciprocity, compassion and loyalty, amongst other things.

 

have you stopped to think about what it costs to access you?  do you need to change the price or is it fine as is?

 

xoxo,

k. tap