have you ever felt off but just couldn’t quite pinpoint what was going on to cause that feeling?  for me, that happens a bit more than i’d like, especially as someone who is a processor.

recently, i had a conversation with one of my closest friends, jaclyn.  ironically, she is a kickass therapist.  how lucky am i to just have her in my back pocket?  anyway, we were sitting across from one another at panera and i not only had an aha moment, but i was able to share how i was feeling for the first time out loud.  i was telling her that i felt like i was missing out on companionship but felt some shame around how that sounded.  i have so many things to be grateful for and have accomplished so much.  why should i feel like something is missing due to lack of companionship?

what she helped me unearth is that it was not lack of companionship on its own.  yes, many of my friends are in committed relationships and i am pretty much the black version of katherine heigl in the movie 27 dresses, but i do not want companionship simply because others have it.  i want companionship with a very specific person and felt like i had missed my window.  even though i have let go of a ton of my perfectionistic tendencies, one thing i have not let go of completely is this idea of timing be perfect in order to be in a relationship.  in waiting for the perfect time, i could be waiting for an eternity.  after saying it all out loud, i realized i felt like a piece of me was broken.  there should not be any shame in admitting that.

the very next day, one of my coworkers and friends posted this and it just tugged at my heartstrings.

“in japan, broken objects are often repaired with gold.  the flaw is seen as a unique piece of the object’s history, which adds to its beauty.  consider this when you feel broken.”

i thought that instead of viewing this piece of me as flawed with a negative connotation, i have worked on reframing it as being a piece of my story, even if it is devastatingly beautiful.  i also went out on a limb and wrote the person a letter laying out exactly how i have been feeling and how i currently feel.  and no matter the outcome, my story is richer in love and authenticity as a result.

who doesn’t love a little gold?

xoxo,

k. tap