Category: head + heart

thought of the week: lucky number seven.

today marks seven years since the passing of connie jean garrison or as many of you have heard me affectionately call her, grammy.

grammy and me – 1991

since my grandmother left this earth, i have found that my body tends to have a visceral reaction to the month of may. as april comes to a close, i will begin to feel ill and by the time may hits, it often feels like too much to handle – her anniversary on the 7th, mother’s day the second sunday of the month and papa’s (my grandfather’s) birthday on the 17th. the trifecta really isn’t the vibe. this year was the very first one where that dread wasn’t present. i tried to think of why that could be and i realized it isn’t one thing in particular but a combination of many things.

i see my grandmother often – in a piece of art hanging in my bedroom that she gave to me, whenever i see rich hues of purple, in the white cross in misu’s coat, whenever i see 6:30 on the clock (her birthday was june 30th), when someone says i feel like home to them, whenever i host an event, when dmx comes on shuffle, whenever i bake something sweet for someone i love, when i get a great deal while shopping, when i walk through the rose garden on campus at scu, when dreaming (while asleep or awake) and honestly, at some point each and every single day. after turning 34, i realized that i see her most in myself with each passing year.

while i have always believed in spirits, i will say this has increased exponentially since grammy passed. in spring of 2021, i had a powerful reading with an extraordinary psychic/medium, cassidy rey. during the reading, grammy came through and she was quite vocal. the two messages that stood out the most to me during that reading were about my future children and my health. i have said forever that i know i am meant to be a mom, even if it means i do it alone. i have wondered what that journey might look like for me. my grandmother said that my children are currently with her and she would send them to me when i was ready. the irony? at that time, cassidy did not have children. currently? cassidy is expecting her first child and she will be raising him solo. in regards to my health, grammy told cassidy i was going to be getting incredibly sick and that the best thing i could do was increase my physical activity. she acknowledged seeing me putting in the work but said i needed to do more. i had just began training twice a week with grit and gratitude fitness in mid march. this reading was in may. in june, i increased my sessions to four times a month and added in a fifth day of activity (swimming for one hour). in august of 2021, i got one of the worst cases of covid i’ve ever heard of from anyone that lived to tell the tale. i was in the hospital for about five weeks, was on a ventilator for 17 days and had to learn how to do basic things like how to walk or even hold a fork again. when i woke up from my coma, the doctor expressed that with the tons of cases of covid he saw in icu, it wasn’t age, vaccination status, bmi or preexisting conditions that determined whether or not someone made it out – it was if they had been physically active for at least the last 90 days. grammy came to visit me while i was in my coma and told me i couldn’t come back here to visit her – that she would come see me. she kept repeating that over and over again. when i woke up and was told about how i nearly died, i immediately realized what she meant. i also couldn’t help but think of my reading with cassidy and how the messages she delivered urged me to double down on taking my health seriously and how angel (my trainer) helped facilitate that journey.

this year, i feel the healthiest and strongest i have in my adult life. i know wholeheartedly that i am currently the version of myself grammy would be most proud of because i am creating the life i have always wanted for myself without apology and without wavering. that is something she did at an early age and far before women were praised for creating their own happiness even if taking an alternate route to get there. when in doubt, i frequently ask myself: what would grammy do? as i’ve gotten older, i feel her with me as i am making pivotal decisions. there is nothing more peaceful than that. while i used to dread may, specifically the seventh, this seventh anniversary has proven to be the best one yet.

if you are looking to connect with a loved one or simply find out more about your path, definitely connect with cassidy rey. if you have questions, don’t hesitate to ask me. this post isn’t sponsored – it is just something that was on my heart to share on the anniversary of my favorite girl in the world.

xoxo,

k. tap

thought of the week: thank you for loving each version of me

last week, my very first college roommate turned best friend, turned 35. marilena was someone i immediately clicked with and i felt so grateful to be randomly paired with someone perfectly suited for me. to be honest, when i think back to our hall freshman year, it was filled to the brim with people i feel so blessed to know and love. now that marilena is back in the bay, we did a weekend of celebrating and it was the best.

on friday, marilena, makensy, jackie and i circled back to glow to make candles and it was so much fun.

makensy’s tile setup

after glow, we went to dinner at zazil on santana row. the drink that we had to have more than one of was the pintado de rosa. there is something about the balance of the fresh strawberry puree with the citrus and tequila that is just next level.

pintado de rosa

on saturday, marilena’s family hosted a dinner party for about 15 of us with the most delicious traditional mexican food and great cocktails. while we ended up at a bar after dinner and makensy and i kept marilena and jared up for hours once returning to their home, my favorite part of the night was when all of the women were gathered in one room after dinner. sonya (marilena’s cousin) spoke about what marilena meant to her and how wonderful it is to go from having marilena be her flower girl to them being friends as adults. sonya opened up the floor for many of us to share. a theme i couldn’t help but notice as women across generations spoke about marilena is how she has encouraged growth in each of us – we are all better for knowing her. there were many points where i glanced across the room at marilena, makensy and jackie and was in disbelief that this september will mark SEVENTEEN years of us knowing and loving one another. when i think of who we each were when walking into santa clara’s campus as 17 and 18 year olds, it is truly wild. in taking time to think of the plethora of versions of each of us that have existed between then and now, it is heartwarming to know that the love and connection has just grown deeper. while it isn’t a guarantee, it is true for us and made me think of this quote i stumbled across back in january:

there is something so beautiful about having long-term friends that have witnessed multiple versions of you and loved you unconditionally through each version.

man. nothing compares to being loved unconditionally by people who have seen you at your highest of highs and lowest of lows. marilena has truly seen me through it all and has taught me how to not only show up for others, but how to show up for myself. that isn’t something i take for granted.

marilena + me at mumm napa

on sunday, marilena, makensy and i did a day trip to napa. we started at domaine carneros, swung over to madonna estate, all toasted to marilena and our 17 year anniversary at mumm and wrapped with dinner at rh yountville.

sparkling flight – domaine carneros
pinot noir flight – domaine carneros

the weekend was jam packed and i wouldn’t change a thing. i was reminded all weekend why these women are part of my chosen family.

tell me about someone who has loved you unconditionally through many versions of you!

xoxo,

k. tap

34.

each year, i select a word as my theme for my personal new year. after much reflection, going into 34, i chose my word: calm.

with every curveball thrown my way during 33, i focused on “controlling the controllables” (as my coach from grit and gratitude fitness frequently reminds me to do) and something i realized now more than ever is the importance of remaining calm no matter the intensity of the storm. it has served me incredibly well.

during 33, my word of the year was reciprocity. while i could only fit 10 photos on instagram (i was certain to include more here), everyone that helped me celebrate (whether it was in bottle service, at a boozy brunch, over a spectacular dinner or in napa) reiterated the importance of reciprocal relationships and aid in me being my calmest self.

on friday, the 9th, i was determined to dip back into bay area night life. dancing all night at nova in san jose followed by late night nachos at la vic’s brought me back to my early 20s. 10 out of 10 would recommend.

saturday, the 10th, was so life giving. we did a bottomless mimosa brunch at straits followed by espresso martinis at el jardin. for any of you that are new to my love languages, words of affirmation is pretty low on the list. i used to cringe when receiving them and have worked extensively on being better at just being open to being loved out loud. i wasn’t ready for when theo had each person go around and say their favorite thing about me. it definitely got emotional for many – i wouldn’t change a fucking thing.

sunday, the 11th, was so damn sweet. i did a solo coffee date with my twin, anj. next, we did a girly brunch in livermore followed by wine tasting at concannon. i wrapped the day with anj at her bff’s house (blythe is the best host!) and got to spend some time with my nephew.

monday, one of my oldest friends booked a reservation at my family’s favorite steakhouse without even knowing that info ahead of time. if you haven’t been to mastro’s, run – don’t walk. anthony knocked it out of the park.

i kicked off my actual birthday on tuesday, the 13th, with coffee with my fellow therapist and soul sister, jaclyn and her youngest son. it was the perfect start to the day. i ended with a late night happy hour at yard house with a coworker turned friend, wilson.

i wrapped up the celebrations on presidents’ day in napa with my fellow aquarian queen and a couple of our girls. we started off with brunch at rh yountville followed by wine tasting at mumm, madonna estate and domaine carneros. we wrapped the day at celadon for dinner. it was truly the perfect day.

few things compare to entering my big diesel year (for my fellow lakers fans) surrounded by being loved in my love languages (quality time and acts of service) and feeling more grounded than i ever have in my adult life.

what is your theme word for your current year of life? or perhaps, your next year of life?

thank you for all of the wonderful birthday wishes – i truly love you all.

xoxo,

k. tap

thought of the week: say, “i love you”

happy monday! this month, my spirit has been filled with so much love and joy that i could have literally burst. in recapping our birthdays, anj (who i also refer to as “twin”) and i couldn’t help but think about how grateful we both were for the ways in which our friends showed up for us. while i plan on posting a full birthday recap along with my theme for 34 on the last day of this month, i thought it was fitting that i stumbled across this quote on anj’s birthday a couple of weeks ago (on the 10th).

“dear me, say ‘i love you’ to your friends sincerely and often. love, me”

while words of affirmation are something i have to consciously work at, something i have gotten great at over the years is telling my friends that i love them. whether they are leaving my apartment, we are hanging up a facetime call or we are hugging each other before leaving a restaurant, i make sure to tell my friends i love them. i want them to know how much they mean to me, what they bring to my life and that i do not take them or their presence for granted. in many ways, my blog post on thursday will be a love letter to myself for making it through 33 and to my friends for walking alongside me the entire way. i couldn’t love them more.

when is the last time you told the members of your inner circle you loved them? and no, i don’t just mean on their birthdays or when a tragedy has taken place – how often do you tell your friends you love them? call or text a friend that you love tomorrow and share this with them. tell me how it goes!

xoxo,

k. tap

thought of the week: it’s simple.

you guys – february is in two days. somehow, january has been both the shortest and longest month ever. while i am in disbelief that we are rapidly approaching february, the days have been so packed that each day feels like two days. with february being a month centered around love, especially romantic relationships, i have been asked to do some mental health programming around healthy relationships at the university where i work. while i already have a slide deck prepared and a healthy relationship assessment for students to take, i typically like to have simple takeaways for them. this quote i saw last month will be one of those takeaways – it is so simple yet so critical.

if you’re doing the work, you deserve to be with someone who is also doing the work. it’s simple. -sara kuburic (millennial therapist)

when it comes to relationships of any kind, but especially romantic ones, don’t shortchange yourself by being with someone who is emotionally stunted without a growth mindset if you are someone who is actively doing the work. no matter how much work you do, it will not be enough to offset what someone else is not doing. don’t exhaust yourself by pouring into people who are not able to pour into you or even pour into themselves. it really is simple.

xoxo,

k. tap