thought of the week: love withdrawals

i tend to be my most reflective self as my birthday draws near. with 31 being less than a week away, i’ve thought about what i want my theme or mantra for the year to be. each year, i choose a word. while i am fairly certain i have the word selected, i have been doing a lot of introspection. i have been paying close attention to how i treat myself during the good, the bad and the ugly moments. i had noticed a trend in those not so good moments – i wasn’t treating myself with kindness, grace or tenderness. i thought about where that stemmed from. this quote hit the nail on the head.

“there may have been a parent or adult in your life who withdrew love as a form of punishment. be aware of any way in which you withdraw love, presence, or connection from your own self. part of your healing is finding ways to do for yourself what another may not have been able to.” -vienna pharaon

listen. reading this gave me chills. then, i read it again. and again.

yes. i had multiple adults in my life growing up who loved me unconditionally. thank god for them. i also had a significant adult in my life who made it their job to withdraw love, affection and care as a form of punishment. i didn’t realize just how impactful that would be not just in my relationships with others, but in my relationship with myself. as an adult, i have definitely noticed instances where i called myself “holding myself accountable” when in reality, i was withdrawing love. even if i am holding myself accountable, the love i have for myself does not need to be lessened. i would even argue that when times are tough, i might need to rev up the love i typically show/give myself.

a huge part of my healing has been loving myself consistently. if you aren’t already on this train, hop on.

xoxo,

k. tap

thought of the week: love withdrawals

i tend to be my most reflective self as my birthday draws near. with 31 being less than a week away, i’ve thought about what i want my theme or mantra for the year to be. each year, i choose a word. while i am fairly certain i have the word selected, i have been doing a lot of introspection. i have been paying close attention to how i treat myself during the good, the bad and the ugly moments. i had noticed a trend in those not so good moments – i wasn’t treating myself with kindness, grace or tenderness. i thought about where that stemmed from. this quote hit the nail on the head.

“there may have been a parent or adult in your life who withdrew love as a form of punishment. be aware of any way in which you withdraw love, presence, or connection from your own self. part of your healing is finding ways to do for yourself what another may not have been able to.” -vienna pharaon

listen. reading this gave me chills. then, i read it again. and again.

yes. i had multiple adults in my life growing up who loved me unconditionally. thank god for them. i also had a significant adult in my life who made it their job to withdraw love, affection and care as a form of punishment. i didn’t realize just how impactful that would be not just in my relationships with others, but in my relationship with myself. as an adult, i have definitely noticed instances where i called myself “holding myself accountable” when in reality, i was withdrawing love. even if i am holding myself accountable, the love i have for myself does not need to be lessened. i would even argue that when times are tough, i might need to rev up the love i typically show/give myself.

a huge part of my healing has been loving myself consistently. if you aren’t already on this train, hop on.

xoxo,

k. tap

thought of the week: pain passes…

this week has been filled with more meaningful conversations and revelations than i could have imagined. if 2020 has taught me anything, it is that life comes at you fast.

a couple of days ago, i was in session with a client and she just lost it. i held space as i watched her spiral on my screen. once she collected herself, she apologized. when i asked her why she was apologizing, at first she said that she was unsure. then, when she found the words, she stated that she was sorry for feeling too much. then there was a second apology – one for discussing the same topic in session more than once.

she apologized for feeling too much…in front of a professional…whom she hired…to process feelings with.

jesus.

i not only am working with her on not feeling the need to apologize for feeling and doing so outwardly, but i also brought to her attention that she is guilting herself about not having worked through something she dedicates an hour or less to each week.

she certainly hadn’t thought of it that way. i had come across this quote last week and shared it with her:

“pain passes more quickly when we don’t criticize or shame ourselves for feeling it.”

not even 24 hours later, i sat at my dining table with two of the most resilient women i know and we discussed the power and courage behind vulnerability without shame or guilt. sometimes, we think that we aren’t progressing because of something on the outside but oftentimes, we are playing a part by getting in our own way. just imagine how good it could feel to process pain without shame or criticism.

have you been hindering your own healing?

xoxo,

k. tap