for those of you who have been following since the beginning, you know i am obsessed with billy chapata. you can read about one of my favorite quotes from him that i previously blogged about here. he just has this way of framing ideas in an eloquent way that perfectly capture how i am feeling even when i previously thought of it as something that was completely impossible to articulate.
now, i definitely view myself as a work in progress – i think i will feel that way until the day i die. for some, this might be alarming because the thought might cross your mind that i am never quite finished or complete. on the contrary, i am grateful to be evolving all the time and growing into a better version of myself. part of that evolving has included a deep evaluation of the relationships i hold closest to my heart, especially ones with family members. you might remember my post from february where i dove into how your moves will be misunderstood by those not meant to join you on your journey. in scenario three, i talked about how someone who may not be meant to be on my journey is one of my family members.
that was a tough fucking pill to swallow.
both family and friends weighed in on what they thought could rectify the relationship. and what i found interesting was how many people thought that an apology from this particular family member would be the answer. i heard it over and over again. “kristin, you deserve an apology.” but here’s the thing – i knew the likelihood of getting an apology (especially an authentic one) was unlikely. i also knew that i might drive myself insane if that was my expectation. so for about a week after my birthday, i processed what was really necessary for my personal healing instead of what was necessary to rectify the relationship that was on the rocks. and then, i stumbled upon another gem from my boy, billy.
“there are apologies i am still owed and apologies that will probably never come, but by far, the most important apologies are the ones i owe myself. for not thinking i was enough, for not thinking i was worthy, for not realizing my magic before.” -billy chapata
when i read this quote, i could feel the tears welling up. the tears were not just for all of the apologies that i owed myself; the tears were also there because i finally felt understood.
once i made the decision to apologize to myself for accepting bullshit behavior from someone simply because we share a bloodline, to say i felt lighter would be a gross understatement.
and here is what i found: once i made that decision to apologize to myself which began healing i was not even aware i needed, apologies started pouring in from the family member who triggered all of this in the first place. it is as though they were waiting for me to show them that i value me before they followed suit and showed me just how much they valued me. why had i previously been waiting for someone else to tell me how valuable my presence is when that is something that comes from within? if i am not loving and respecting every ounce of me, why would anyone else?
i am fucking magical.
what apologies do you owe yourself? i would love to hear about it.