for those of you who have been following since the beginning, you know i am obsessed with billy chapata.  you can read about one of my favorite quotes from him that i previously blogged about here.  he just has this way of framing ideas in an eloquent way that perfectly capture how i am feeling even when i previously thought of it as something that was completely impossible to articulate.

 

now, i definitely view myself as a work in progress – i think i will feel that way until the day i die.  for some, this might be alarming because the thought might cross your mind that i am never quite finished or complete.  on the contrary, i am grateful to be evolving all the time and growing into a better version of myself. part of that evolving has included a deep evaluation of the relationships i hold closest to my heart, especially ones with family members.  you might remember my post from february where i dove into how your moves will be misunderstood by those not meant to join you on your journey.  in scenario three, i talked about how someone who may not be meant to be on my journey is one of my family members.

 

that was a tough fucking pill to swallow.

 

both family and friends weighed in on what they thought could rectify the relationship.  and what i found interesting was how many people thought that an apology from this particular family member would be the answer.  i heard it over and over again.  “kristin, you deserve an apology.”  but here’s the thing – i knew the likelihood of getting an apology (especially an authentic one) was unlikely.  i also knew that i might drive myself insane if that was my expectation.  so for about a week after my birthday, i processed what was really necessary for my personal healing instead of what was necessary to rectify the relationship that was on the rocks.  and then, i stumbled upon another gem from my boy, billy.

 

 

“there are apologies i am still owed and apologies that will probably never come, but by far, the most important apologies are the ones i owe myself.  for not thinking i was enough, for not thinking i was worthy, for not realizing my magic before.” -billy chapata

 

when i read this quote, i could feel the tears welling up.  the tears were not just for all of the apologies that i owed myself; the tears were also there because i finally felt understood.

 

once i made the decision to apologize to myself for accepting bullshit behavior from someone simply because we share a bloodline, to say i felt lighter would be a gross understatement.

 

and here is what i found: once i made that decision to apologize to myself which began healing i was not even aware i needed, apologies started pouring in from the family member who triggered all of this in the first place.  it is as though they were waiting for me to show them that i value me before they followed suit and showed me just how much they valued me.  why had i previously been waiting for someone else to tell me how valuable my presence is when that is something that comes from within?  if i am not loving and respecting every ounce of me, why would anyone else?

 

i am fucking magical.

 

what apologies do you owe yourself?  i would love to hear about it.

 

xoxo,

k.tap