initially, i was going to start this post off with an apology for going just over two weeks with no blog posts whatsoever.  then i realized that would not be authentic because i am not actually sorry.  i just dislike disappointing people and i also dislike inconsistency.  not blogging for 15 days, especially while having some time off work felt inconsistent to me.  but guess what?  it also felt good to break rules that i have set for myself.  it felt good to just take time to just be.

during this time off, i realized i do not just dislike christmas, i don’t like the holiday season in general.  sue me for saying this but it requires more extroversion than i would like, it serves as a reminder of those i have lost who made this time of year more bearable (or even special) and christmas seems to be more about gifts than it does something meaningful.  i also have an issue with the concept of santa because what about kids who are not from families with enough money to make santa a reality?  perhaps that will be a different post at a later date.

anyway, i have realized that the holiday season puts me into a bit of a slump and if there was a fast forward button or a way for me to just go to sleep from the bulk of december, i would gladly take advantage of it.  i also realized that i don’t think i have ever said those exact words out loud and it made me wonder how many other people silently suffer during the holiday season.  be sure you are checking in on your strong friends from time to time, even if they appear fine.

2019 definitely was not my worst year but it was one where i felt tested in a variety of ways.  whether it was at work, with family, with love interests, with friends or even with myself, i was pushed to limits i did not know existed.  while i grew a ton as a result, it was also tough to keep trekking along.  what i will say is that i have figured out a lot more about myself, mapped out clear goals and have a vision when it comes to the kind of people i want in my orbit for the next year/decade/life moving forward.  in order to not exhaust myself, 2020 will feature a lot more of me meeting people where they are and acknowledging that we do not all operate at the same frequency/on the same wavelength.

the thing that brought me the most joy in 2019?  without a doubt, it was this very blog.  in exactly one week, it will be a year since i launched and i cannot wait to celebrate that milestone with each of you.  i will be on instagram live at 8pm pst on tuesday, january 7th, 2020.  i hope you all tune in.

if you are going out tonight, have fun + stay safe.  if you are staying in tonight, i hope you are doing so with people you love.

happy new year!

xoxo,

k. tap