there has never been a time in my life where i was not plus sized. there has also never been a time in my life where i did not love being in the water. whether it was in my godmother’s backyard pool, working as a swim instructor at my local pool, day trips to the beach or extended trips to hawaii, mexico or the dr, i live for the water. it just brings me calm.
something i always hated was how matronly the swimsuits were for big girls like me. while i have no interest in being in a string bikini, i also did not want a bathing suit that matched the grandmothers who took my senior citizen water aerobics class. additionally, it was a hassle to have to take off my entire suit when i had to run to the restroom.
tankinis served as a happy medium for awhile but did not really do much for my shape. during that time, i was still self conscious about my midsection so i figured beggars cannot be choosers. once i turned 21, i started traveling more with my friends. i noticed how often i saw guys comfortably strutting their stuff on beaches or at pool parties in miami or vegas. some of these guys looked like they could have been carrying octuplets and no one said anything, grimaced at them or threw them a shirt to put on. i then started thinking to myself – would i be fat shamed in a bikini or was i personally just ashamed of my body?
a few years passed and i started seeing more and more bathing suit options for plus sized girls and places like torrid, forever 21 and asos. i went out on a limb and bought my first high-waisted bikini. i brought it to hawaii to celebrate my friend alan’s 26th birthday back in 2016 and i haven’t looked back.
since then, i have added a few more to my collection and wear them proudly whether it be in an intimate setting or to go snorkeling in the dominican republic. i have found that people tend to just feed off of the energy i give off. the energy i give off is typically calm and confident. i channeled that same energy when i wore this suit in mallorca recently and did a quick post on my story about it.
i knew i looked good in the suit but more importantly, i felt good in it. this floral stripe swim set is from torrid. i bought it last summer for my trip to the dr but have shed some pounds since then so it fits much better. for my other plus sized girls who are looking for fun suits, here are a few of my favorites:
when i think about what it took to get me from my days spent at preschool in compton to where i am sitting now with two degrees from santa clara university, the first song that comes to mind is “started from the bottom” by drake. and it is not just the song, it is the energy in the music video and the acknowledgement of it not always being all bright and shiny, but now there are far more days like that due to the work that was put in.
between working at a high school and being someone that is active on social media, i am surrounded by posts about graduation. in my wrap up meetings with some of my seniors, i was asked what i would tell 17 year old me. i was also asked about what i would have done differently whether it be in undergrad or grad school. while there is not a ton i would change about undergrad, there are definitely some things about my time spent in grad school that i would modify.
i would tell 17 year old me that undergrad is a stepping stone and not the end all be all. there is no need to be perfect because that is a made up concept that will lead to feeling disappointed when i should be excited about meeting amazing people who will become my family, have research opportunities typically reserved for phd students and the real need to hustle will come into play during grad school. i would remind myself to stop and smell the roses – both literally and figuratively as they are scattered all over santa clara’s gorgeous campus. undergrad really time full of growth and change – and if you take the time to embrace it, it can be magical.
even though the shot above is not only dope af but truly a joy filled moment worth celebrating (since i was just days away from walking across stage to accept my master’s degree), it really does not capture how my four years of grad school went. did i meet phenomenal humans who are actively changing the world we live in? yes. did i take classes that forced me to step outside of my comfort zone, do a great deal of reflection and reassess all of my relationships whether it be with family, friends or a partner? yes. did i get to start using the skills learned inside of the classroom with actual clients? yes.
while all of those things were important to me in regards to what i wanted to accomplish in a grad program, i do not feel like i was adequately warned or prepared for the minimal time i would have for myself since i chose to essentially work full time while going to grad school. i made that choice because i was set on having less than $100,000 of debt between undergrad and grad school. this meant that i needed to work tons of hours to be able to keep costs lower for grad school. i did something many would call unconventional but at the time, i felt it necessary. i worked three jobs for the bulk of grad school and four jobs in the final year. that final year almost broke me and it is not like i was rested going into the most intense year of it all. it was not just intense because a fourth job was added but because the fourth job would be me seeing clients for the first time ever – definitely not something i should be exhausted going into.
recently, i heard an audio clip from steve harvey’s show in which he stated:
“success is not a comfortable procedure. it is a very uncomfortable thing to attempt. you gotta get comfortable being uncomfortable if you wanna be successful.”
now, i am not the biggest steve harvey fan but i agreed with all of the aforementioned. i should have just stuck with my gut because what he followed it up with goes against so much of what i know to be true:
“rich people don’t sleep eight hours a day. that’s a third of your life. there ain’t but 24 hours in a day. you cannot be sleep eight hours a day.”
now listen. if i could go back, i would work less and have a bit more debt to pay off. not only would it be more fair to me but it would have been more fair to all of the clients i worked with. in retrospect, they were getting maybe 80% of what they should have been from me because that is all i had to give. i also realized that i did a number on my body during that year. that sleep deprivation played a role in so many things, including weight gain, higher blood pressure and anxiety. even if i was not eating like trash, i was not eating the proper portions and i definitely was eating at all hours of the day and night since i was awake and would be hungry. in the long run, my health is of the utmost importance, especially if i want to be around for a long time. during that final year of grad school, i would average 3-5 hours of sleep per night. if i was lucky/on a saturday night, i would get 5-7 hours. i now know that 7 is my magic number when it comes to hours of sleep per night. with 7 hours, i am energetic without caffeine, am in a good mood and do not need a nap. i try my best now to get as close to that as possible both for me and the clients i work with daily. it has made a substantial difference.
i believe that success is more about time management and prioritization than people realize – that also includes self-prioritization and that is not something i will apologize for anymore. if i am not taking care of me, i cannot aid in teaching people how to take care of themselves.
i now realize that it is not just about getting to the top but being able to stay there and enjoy it. that is only possible if i am taking care of myself.
with graduation around the corner, what advice would you give yourself?
what a whirlwind. it is hard to know where to even begin.
before i dive in, let me apologize for being mia this week – jet lag is truly a bitch. that paired with me being maid of honor in a wedding today definitely took over this week. i finally feel like i am back on a normal schedule so thank god for that. now, onto spain!
i landed in barcelona on tuesday of last week (the 7th) and was feeling both physically, emotionally and mentally exhausted. physically, i was exhausted from travel. emotionally, i was exhausted because the day i landed was the two year anniversary of my grammy’s death which you can read about here paired with mother’s day being just a few days later while i would still be in spain. mentally, i was exhausted because work has been absolutely insane the last couple of months. to say this vacation was needed was an understatement.
upon getting barcelona, i checked into h10 montcada boutique hotel. the lobby reminded me of a library you would see in a home with a lot of character that happened to have a bar in it – it was perfect for someone like me that likes to blog and read a ton. the greeting was warm and filled with complimentary champagne. the room was small but had everything i needed. something that i noticed was there was no bathtub but i have found that to be the case at many hotels i have stayed at across europe. for my next trip (if it is a lengthy one), that might be something i need to consider beforehand.
on that first day, my main goal was just to stay awake. i found a little bar right by my hotel called tapa tapa. i was able to enjoy patatas bravas (a traditional appetizer found in spain that consists of cubed potatoes covered in a delicious spicy sauce) and a few glasses of sparkling rosé. a glass of wine is literally within one euro of a small bottle of water. this was a blessing and a curse. i am surprised i consumed any water whatsoever while was in spain.
after going back to the hotel, i got a bit more settled before going for a walk around the city to see the cathedral and find a place for dinner. i stumbled upon this cute little restaurant – taverna del bisbe. since the weather was decent, i figured i would sit outside and just take in some fresh air, especially after being on a plane for 10 hours to get there in the first place.
i enjoyed cava based sangria, paella and flan. i have never had better paella in my life. with me being a seafood junkie, spain was definitely for me.
i took a longer walk home just to see a bit more of the surrounding area in the event i did not get back to that same space the following day and stumbled upon some amazing street art. clearly, the feminist movement is happening in barcelona as well.
on day two, i got some much needed sleep and had a reservation at pez vela – a restaurant that was highly recommended by my friend elisa (who lives in spain and was getting married later that week in mallorca). i love being near the water and this restaurant being beachside was exactly what i needed. i ended up spending over four hours at this restaurant. the impeccable service made it easy to do so.
both the burrata and ceviche i ordered were outstanding. everything was so fresh and i needed to just see the sun again after missing it for days both in la and on my first day in barcelona.
i went back to my hotel to do a bit more reading before leaving to go to a bar recommended by my girl, chinae, paradiso. i was unsure if i was in the right place because pictured below is the front door which is located inside of a deli.
but once inside, it was moody and magical.
i loved everything from the spicy specialty cocktails that were garnished with sprouts to the beautiful candle holders (that my friend hillary found for me on amazon from the post on my story and had waiting for me in la when i returned home) to the amazing locals i met who sat with me while i had dinner and a couple of drinks.
since i was in barcelona solo, i figured going to a bar was acceptable but did not think i should go and explore the nightclub scene. all that means is that i need to return soon. thursday morning, i had an early flight to mallorca. luckily, the flight was only about 45 minutes. as soon as i landed, i knew i was in the right place. it was just breathtaking. my hotel (melia palma marina) being right on the water made me insanely happy. the room here was substantially more spacious and the amenities could make you never want to leave the hotel.
i had this sweet note from elisa and jose when i checked in and i could not wait to link up with them for a little afternoon day party.
elisa and i had not seen one another in over a year so being back together was the absolute best. being together to celebrate her love with someone who truly understands, supports and adores her made it even better. this is how i got to spend my thursday afternoon:
*the bikini is from torrid!
that evening, i got to spend some quality time with leslie, one of my friends and old roommates from college. it was so good to just be on the same time zone (since i live in la and she is currently in new york). i enjoyed calamari, tuna tartare and wine at this cute little spot – la chica de santa catalina.
on friday, leslie and i met up with our friends brittany and ryan for tapas and wine. i was so excited to see them that i forgot to even take a picture of the food or wine. however, there is nothing wrong with living in the moment. brittany had rehearsal for the wedding so she had to run. leslie and i stumbled upon this spot, cappuccino, and enjoyed some tapas and wine before going back to get ready for the welcome reception.
i ended up wearing an outfit from asos – a black bodysuit and peg pants to the event. you can read more about that here.
it was a wonderful event filled with people who loved the bride and groom dearly. i also think it amplified all of our excitement for the big day.
*from left to right – brittany, leslie, elisa (the bride) and me
i don’t even know how to describe how beautiful the wedding day was. from the church to the outdoor cocktail hour to the two part reception, everything just felt like a dream. pictures don’t do it justice but we will try.
we left for the wedding at 11:30am and returned at almost 3am. it was unlike any other wedding i have ever been to and we made some memories we would never forget. to say i was exhausted the next day is an understatement. i was pretty much in a coma until after 2pm. i met up with leslie to enjoy pizza and burrata at a place right near my hotel.
afterwards, we went to the cute little gelato spot. it was the perfect way to spend the afternoon.
leslie had to fly back to madrid and i did some packing since i had an early flight to barcelona the next morning before heading to la. however, i couldn’t resist late night wine and tapas with brittany one last time in spain.
the trip was just extraordinary and i would do it all over again in a heartbeat. i would definitely recommend staying at least 10 days to see more of what barcelona and mallorca have to offer.
to see more about my trip, head to my instagram and look at my spain highlight reel.
hope you are all enjoying your sunday! i have to run to go get ready for my godsister’s wedding. 🙂
while i have been in spain, i have had several conversations about the importance of surrounding myself with good people. and not people just people who treat others well but people who truly make me think and reflect on the life i am living. i do not want to be the smartest person in the room because i want to be able to constantly continue learning. i think of myself as a forever student.
i may have met jude while i was a senior during her freshman year at santa clara university but now, the age gap seems to be insignificant. jude founded an amazing company, in her shoes, that encourages people, especially young women, to lead more courageous lives. i have seen jude grow leaps and bounds year after year and am constantly in awe of how inspiring she is to so many people around her (of all ages), especially me.
last week, she posted this captivating shot (because she is a bombshell in addition to being absolutely brilliant) with an even more captivating quote. the full quote was:
“get honest with people about who you are, what you want, and how you expect to be treated. don’t be afraid of the solitude that raising your standards can bring. standards only scare off people not meant for you.
become unshakable in the belief that you are worthy of a big life.”
here is the part i could not shake:
“don’t be afraid of the solitude that raising your standards can bring.”
i paused.
i thought of things that i allowed in my teens, early 20s, and even mid 20s that i no longer tolerate. when i asked myself why i let certain situations play out the way they did or why i allowed people to mistreat or take advantage of me, it was hard to pinpoint why. in reading this quote from jude, it became clear that it was about more than simply wanting to be loyal, i think it was a fear around who would be left if i did hold people to a higher standard. what is crazy is i really just wanted to hold them to the same standards i held myself to. i think it was around my 27th birthday that i started doing more of that. and with every single day that passes, it gets easier and easier to stay true to those standards.
i no longer feel guilt about expecting more because with what i am bringing to the table, i know i deserve more.
i no longer am afraid of the solitude that comes along with raising my standards because in raising them, i have been rewarded with the most fierce inner circle in existence.
there is something so freeing about that same solitude i used to fear.
are you afraid to raise your standards? is it because of solitude or because of something else entirely? i would love to hear about it.
i am all about looking sleek and chic. something i have been wearing more often are bodysuits. they hug me in the right places and show off what i want to accentuate most.
i used to go back and forth about what would work best on bottom for a girl like me that carries some weight in my midsection. insert these amazing peg pants from asos.
while the color is described as a dusty rose, i actually think of it as more of a burnt orange. they are ridiculously comfortable with an elasticized waist. what i love most are the pockets.
my bodysuit is also from asos but i have had it for over a year. whether you are plus sized or not, asos is one of my go to stores for a bodysuit. i also have a few from forever 21.
the strap around the ankle, sparkly, nude open toed heels are from torrid. they are as comfortable as a four inch heel that isn’t a wedge can be. they also come in black if that is more your vibe.
i couldn’t initially decide what to throw on for this wedding welcome event but something tells me i made the right decision.
keep up with k.tap 