earlier this month, i was out celebrating my dear friend gracelyn’s birthday and we were talking about both religion and spirituality.  she asked me do i consider myself to be either of these things.  now, while i was raised in the baptist church, have only ever attended religiously affiliated institutions and have worked at both a jesuit university and a catholic high school, i would not consider myself to be religious.  i find religion to be a bit too binding for my liking yet respect my friends from various religions.  if i absolutely had to label myself, i would classify myself as agnostic.  there are definitely things about this world that i do not feel can be explained just by science.  now, in terms of being spiritual, that is something i closely identify with.  i am more concerned with the goodness of a person’s soul than whether or not they follow the rules of a book or leader from a particular faith.

 

with me being concerned most with the goodness of a person’s soul, i try to channel that energy inward and look at my own soul.  how am i treating myself?  how am i allowing other people to treat me?  am i truly in touch with my spiritual self?  how have i been strengthening my own spiritual muscles?

 

while the start of the year might have been a bit tumultuous for me, march has been substantially smoother.  i have been told at least a dozen times that i have this glow.  now, while i have to give credit to months of intermittent fasting per my godbrother’s suggestion, the rose water my friend carolynn recommended to me when i am rocking a bare face or to lilly galichi’s lashes (courtesy of my twin, anj) when rocking a made up face, i truly need to give credit to myself.  i have made a major shift in my life this year and while some might consider in controversial, i consider it to be absolutely necessary.

 

i cut out all contact with a member of my family.

 

i went back and forth about whether or not i had made the right decision.  i think that is common to do when making a decision that is truly life altering.  and then, i came across this quote while scrolling through the gram…

 

 

“no longer responding or reacting to people who trigger you is one of the ways you strengthen your spiritual muscles.”

 

when i asked myself how i was treating myself, i thought the answer was good.  i currently have a job that is actually a career, i have been more active, i have been tracking my eating, i have been making time to spend with people who mean a great deal to me (whether that be in person or over the phone or FaceTime) and i have an apartment that feels like a home – one i have worked hard to create.  i realized that all of these things are in fact good but that is not the only thing that matters.  when i asked myself how i was allowing other people to treat me, the answer was not as confident.

 

i have allowed a member of my family to get away with treating me like shit and i gave them a pass because they were family.  while i love my family because they are family, that does not mean that i have to like them.  it also does not mean i am simply supposed to tolerate bullshit or disrespect.  if being in contact with someone is triggering me, why was i still in contact?  here is the controversial statement i am not supposed to say but am going to say anyway:

 

i am not going to allow someone the blessing of being in my orbit simply because we share a bloodline.  i did not get to choose the family i was born into, but i do get to choose who i invest my time, energy and love into.  time, energy and love are things that should be reciprocal.  i deserve nothing less.

 

that is me truly tapping into my most spiritual self.

 

it has been just over a month of absolutely zero contact and the best sleep i have gotten all year has been since cutting off contact.  and the glow people are talking about?  that is radiating from the inside out.  my spiritual muscles are strengthening by the day.

 

how do you work on strengthening your spiritual muscles?  i would love to hear about it below.

 

xoxo,

k. tap

we all do it.  i know i have definitely been guilty of it.  i have one of the world’s best game faces.

 

whether it is at work, with family or with friends, sometimes, i just find it easier to keep a game face on.  when i thought about why i do this (and used to do it more frequently), i think it mostly stems from wanting to appear as put together as possible as often as possible.

 

at work, i wanted to appear to be put together to be viewed as reliable, stable and someone who could be utilized in any given situation.  i also wanted my students to feel a sense of calm while they were in my presence.

 

with family, after the passing of my grandmother, having a game face seemed like the easier choice.  she was the person i would call when i was actually having a meltdown so once she was gone, i could feel myself starting to clam up a bit.

 

in the bulk of my friend groups, i am typically the one people go to when in need.  why would they want to reach out if i was a fucking wreck?

 

but here’s the thing:  while i have no plans to violently cry at work in front of my boss or my students, i have not found a way to bring back grammy aka my meltdown supporter, and i will likely always be the person people in my friend groups go to when in need, i also owe it to myself and those around me to be authentic.

 

part of authenticity is breaking the fuck down.

 

 

“it’s not healthy to keep a ‘game face’ on all the time…it’s ok to have a meltdown. as leaders, the best example we can set is how to recover.” -danielle weisberg & carly zakin

 

around this time last year, i had to have surgery on my uterus which i dove into on my post about why you shouldn’t ask women when they are going to have kids.  during that time, i was not always able to maintain my game face.  i thought i was still good at it but when a student who typically comes in and is silent for the first several minutes of our sessions that she initiates immediately asked me what was going on with me, i knew i did not have my game face together.  she asked with genuine concern.  now, my rule about self disclosure is that i only do it if it is beneficial for the client/session.  i did not think sharing about my uterus surgery would be beneficial, i thought it would just scare her.  however, i did share that there was just a lot going on for me in the upcoming weeks and that i was looking forward to spring break and a new month.  she said, “i totally get that.” during our session a couple of weeks later, she thanked me.  when i asked what for, she said, “when i saw you last, it was the first time i realized that even the people i look up to most don’t always have it completely together.  but what i appreciated is that you were still able to hold space for me.  and now, you look bright the way i am used to seeing you.”  what she didn’t know was that in that two week gap, i had the surgery and it was confirmed that there was no cancer.  i was breathing deeper.  from then on, i felt she was more comfortable having her own meltdowns because she knew that perfection was not my expectation, unlike many of the other adults in her life.  not wearing my game face made me more relatable.

 

after my grammy passed, i more or less stepped into her role of caretaker, confidant and planner for our family.  from writing her obituary and speaking at the funeral to late night calls and visits with family members where they share their secrets to organizing and cooking christmas eve dinner, i have had some incredibly big shoes to fill.  because everyone has been dealing with their grief in their own way (and it was all consuming), i was not truly feeling like i had space to grieve with my family without burdening them.  something i realized was that my godsister was someone who could truly empathize.  she was someone who didn’t just see her granny for the holiday season, her granny was so much of who she was.  and with my godsister, i had multiple meltdowns.  meltdowns when things were taking a turn for the worst.  meltdowns immediately after it transpired.  meltdowns some months afterwards.  and while i have found each meltdown to be utterly exhausting, i have felt significantly lighter after each one.

 

the monday before my birthday, i met my gorgeous friend, christina, for dinner.  gorgeous is the word that i had to use to describe her because her smile is so big, bright and sparkly that it literally looks fake and she has the most gorgeous spirit.  immediately upon me walking into dinner, she mentioned that something was off.  she said it was all over my face.  once again, that game face was off.  i had a meltdown over two glasses of pinot noir.  i felt heard and more importantly, understood.  work was insane.  my love life was not going as planned.  i was wondering how my birthday was going to pan out if this was the start to my week.  but here’s the thing – christina did not criticize me for not having on my game face.  she created a space for me to just be.  there is nothing better than that.

 

now, what does recovery look like?

 

at work, it was addressing the shift in my disposition from session to session and thanking the client for noticing and caring while reminding her that i am here for her and every single one of those 50 minutes belong to her.  it also looked like looping in my boss and principal so they were aware that of what i was juggling.  it is no one’s expectation that i am superwoman.

 

with family, it looks like creating healthy boundaries with my family members.  it looks like seeing my godsister weekly and creating space for one another.  it looks like being the strong enough to admit that i cannot handle it all.

 

in my friend groups, it looks like being vulnerable and not pretending like everything is bright and shiny.  it looks like keeping it 100.  it looks like being able to reciprocate the same for christina, or any other friend, if they were in the space i was in.

 

i am a leader at work, with my family and in my friend groups.  i am also a leader who has meltdowns.  most importantly, i am a leader who recovers because my ability to persevere is unparalleled.

 

where do you wear your game face most?  what would it look like to take it off?

 

let me know in the comments below.

 

xoxo,

k. tap

 

 

 

 

in working with teen girls, i am constantly asked questions about myself.  some of them are relevant to the session, some are them being nosey and some of them are just the client’s attempt to stray from the topic that really needs to be discussed.  the one thing that is true no matter the question asked is that i really stop to consider it.  i want each of my girls to know that i am truly listening and that i value their thoughts.

 

this week, one of my girls and i met and had a session that made me smile from ear to ear.  during last school year, she was in an incredibly toxic relationship with a boyfriend who was manipulative and at every step, she was questioning her self worth.  at the beginning of this school year, i could sense that she was reaching a breaking point.  even though i was hoping she would make the decision to end the relationship, i could not instruct her.  that is one of the common misconceptions about therapists – there is this idea that we just tell people what to do.  on the contrary, i rarely give my opinion – my main focus is holding a space for each and every girl to feel safe to bring up whatever is going on for them at that time.  i knew i was at least doing that piece right because she said “for 50 minutes every week, i know that someone is truly listening and listening without judgment.”  that is all that matters to me.

 

anyway, before she ended the relationship, she asked me a question: “ms. tappan, what do you think is the most important thing you can do in any relationship?”  i do not know that i had ever been asked that question by anyone, much less, by a 17 year old.  and without hesitation, i flashed to this quote i saw on the wall of a hospital at the end of november…

 

 

“loving ourselves works miracles in our lives.” -louise l. hay

 

i explained to this girl (who was much stronger than she knew at the time) that the most important thing is loving yourself.  at first, she looked at me with a puzzled expression.  she even went as far as repeating the question.  i simply repeated the answer.

 

then, i did something i do not do often.  i self disclosed.  in a therapeutic setting, if i am self disclosing, i have to be sure i am not doing it to make me feel or sound better – it has to be for the benefit of the client.  i explained to her that i have been in relationships/situationships of a romantic nature (and also, purely platonic relationships) where i am so focused on loving the other person that i had lost sight of loving myself.  and then, when i took a moment to step back and recalibrate, i realized how much i had been missing out on because i was not watering the most important plant in the garden.  i compared it to being on a plane and needing to first put on your own mask before assisting others in applying their masks (in case of an emergency).

 

in that moment, i saw her eyes light up – it literally looked like the lightbulb turned on instantaneously.   she thanked me and left.  not even a week later, she had ended the relationship.  fast forward a few sessions…

 

this week, she walked in and looked vibrant.  we talked about current stressors and of course, i checked in to see how she had been doing post breakup.  she said she was doing better than she thought she could and i believed every single word.  we laughed about how now, the tears she sheds in session are from actual laughter and not from sadness.  we celebrated her ability to put herself first without guilt.  and then, she asked me another great question: what changes have i seen in my life since i made loving myself a priority?

 

i told her i would need a whole day to go through them all but the top five are:

1. increased self confidence
2. healthier relationships with friends, family and love interests
3. a higher success rate in accomplishing goals i set for myself
4. an increased bandwidth for my clients, her included
5. less stress in my life (fewer headaches, better sleep more often that not, a better ability to focus on tasks day to day)

 

loving myself really has worked miracles in my life.

 

what has loving yourself done for you?  tell me about it.

 

xoxo,

k. tap

i have said it before and i will say it again – i am a planner.  planning brings me an inordinate amount of joy.  there is nothing that compares to creating a plan, executing it and seeing everything come together.  but here is the trouble with trying to plan everything – sometimes, things do not go according to plan.  sometimes, there is a need to act even if there is a feeling of not being ready.  i had wanted to start a blog back in 2015 but as i said in one of my first posts, working multiple jobs and going to grad school full time was not going to give me the time i knew i needed to pour into it.  then, i moved back to la and started a new job + moved into a new apartment.  i still had this feeling of doing a blog in the back of my head and a google doc full of ideas.  for some reason, i still did not feel ready.  then in november of 2018, i stumbled across this quote…

 

 

“it’s a terrible thing, i think, in life to wait until you’re ready. i have this feeling now that actually no one is ever ready to do anything.  there is almost no such thing as ready.  there is only now.  and you may as well do it now.  generally speaking, now is as good a time as any.” -hugh laurie (best known for his starring role on the show “house”)

 

what exactly was i waiting for? a magical feeling?  a sense of peace?  i was waiting to feel ready.  then it happened – i realized i may not ever feel fully ready.  but guess what?

 

i launched this blog anyway.

 

it has been almost two months and it was the best decision i could have made.  it has brought me a new sense of meaning and purpose.  it has enabled me to connect with people i have never met and strengthen connections with people i already know and love.  it has truly reminded me that there are many of us having parallel experiences – none of us are actually alone.  and then i felt all of the things i was waiting to feel before starting my blog – a magical feeling, a sense of peace and a readiness  – a readiness to conquer anything.

 

what thing have you been postponing while you have been waiting to feel ready?  i would love to hear about it.

 

xoxo,

k. tap

february has always been a month full of contemplation for me as i mentioned on my birthday post.  about a week before my birthday, i came across this quote:

 

 

“your moves will be misunderstood by those not meant to join you on your journey.”

 

as i grow older, this quote rings more and more true.  i think it is a combination of me maturing, me knowing my self worth, me having a lower tolerance for bullshit and me wanting to walk the talk as a therapist.  i immediately thought of a few scenarios in my own life over the last couple of years.

 

i saw a shift in who i was as a person when my grandmother passed in spring of 2017.  however, i do not think her death was the only contributor to the shift.  i wrapped up my graduate degree in counseling psych around this time. i was also officially in my late 20s.  things that used to fly even six months prior no longer could.

 

scenario one:

i have a lot of friends.  and by a lot, i mean far more than what is normal or necessary.  but i love it – a lot of my friends feel more like family, especially after living away from home for 10 years .  with that comes some stickiness.  many of my friends have hooked up with one another and i am their common tie.  i cannot tell you how many times i have had to deliver the following spill to two friends who are hooking up or dating: “i just need you both to know that if for some reason, this does not work out for the two of you as planned, i will still love you both just the same. i have no intentions of picking sides so don’t ask me to.  the only exceptions i can think of is if someone were to be physically abusive or cheat on the other with my knowledge – i could then understand you asking me to choose.  does this work for both of you?”  everyone always agrees, but people do not always mean what they say.  one of my best girlfriends from high school started dating one of my best guy friends from college. it was not even a year before things went sour.  i only weighed in if i was explicitly asked because in my experience, if someone wants my opinion, they will ask me for it.  when things went up in flames, not only was i asked by her to choose, i was blamed for her not knowing that he was going to break up with her.  at 25, i would have carried that burden on my shoulders. i may have even apologized for her feelings being hurt even if i did nothing wrong.  sadly, i might have gone as far as ending my friendship with one of my best guy friends from college in an attempt to prove my loyalty.  at 27, i knew this was not the choice i should be making because it was not right and i would be full of regret.  her time spent being part of my life had to come to an end.  it was an incredibly difficult choice and one she did not understand.  she wanted me to apologize for something i did not do and cut off someone who i considered to be like family.  she wanted me to compromise what i believed in to appease her.  she did not understand me and i lost sleep over it.  i lost sleep over it until i realized that perhaps she was not meant to be on my journey with me.

 

scenario two:

i met this amazing girl during my sophomore year of college.  we clicked instantly and kept in touch long after our days at scu were over.  i spent a significant amount of time with her family, was there when things were shitty and there to celebrate each and every accomplishment.  when she met her current husband, i was one of the first people to get a play by play of their first encounter.  i watched their relationship blossom.  i was present through every rough patch – deciphering emails via google docs with her, her sister and another great friend of hers.  i was elated to see them overcome that rough patch and master new communication styles.  when i received a dm from her in early 2018 with a photo of a gorgeous ring, i almost cried.  it was not just because it was gorgeous but because it was well deserved.  i got a play by play of the entire scenario before it was posted to social media.  because i had a good amount of weddings coming up (and all of the events that go along with it), i told her to let me know when she selected a date and i would block it off.  i did not think this was presumptuous of me as i considered her to be a part of my inner circle and me a part of hers.  i had literally seen her through some of the darkest times of her life and could not wait to be there for one of the happiest.  a couple of weeks later, i was informed that i would not be invited because i no longer lived in the bay.  i think i initially thought she was kidding because of how ridiculous that sounded.  i was not going to be invited because i lived in the wrong zip code.  moving back to la got me cut from the invite list.  this was her way of “keeping numbers down”… so instead, there were people present who were not 1/10 as supportive of their relationship as i had been.  the icing on the cake was one of our mutual friends being invited…who…lived…in…la.  i felt so used.  it was okay for me to be your friend for a decade and be there through anything that required emotional support.  and now, when it was time to celebrate overcoming all of that, i was pushed to the side.  i realized i could not simply be someone’s emotional support + their personal cheerleader if the relationship was not going to be reciprocal. i cut her off.  there were no follow up conversations.  what is there to discuss? if i had a conversation and was invited, i would always wonder if she actually wanted me there or if she just felt guilted into it.  on the flip side, if i had a conversation and was not invited, that would just cause more hurt.  i was no longer looking for her to understand the moves i was making.  we were no longer journeying together.

 

scenario three:

a couple of weeks ago for my birthday, i had a dinner with my family.  while most of the attendees were in good spirits, one in particular was rude upon arrival and it did not lighten up.  i watched as they individually greeted every single person at the table except for me.  i did not get a hug like everyone else, i did not even get a hello.  when i tried to engage them in conversation, i got nothing outside of one word answers even when i was not asking yes or no questions.  i watched as they sat with their arms folded, reading news articles during a 10 person dinner to celebrate one day that was supposed to be about me.  it was such an icky feeling.  not just feeling dismissed but feeling my energy shift when there were eight other people present who were so happy to be celebrating me.  i thought maybe i was being too sensitive.  that was until multiple people after the dinner inquired about the interactions between me and the attendee that clearly did not want to be present.  so i decided to sleep on it before making my next move.  the next day, i sent a text message.  it felt so risky.  not because i was swearing or being mean in the text, but because i know how poorly this person responds to any type or criticism or confrontation.  i sent it anyway.  it said, “after sleeping on it, i have decided to have someone else take me to the airport on tuesday night.  i found last night to be incredibly frustrating and disrespectful.  it was beyond apparent that you were not interested in being at my birthday dinner which is literally one day per year.  i deserve better and there is not a doubt in my mind about that.  your behavior was both unnecessary and more importantly, hurtful.  in the future, if you are in a mood, i would prefer for you to just stay home rather than bring down the energy at a day that is important to me.  we can catch up once i am back from boston as i will be celebrating my birthday for the remainder of the holiday weekend with people who are interested in truly being present. -kristin”  there was no response.  if it was not for another family member telling me how upset the recipient was about the message, i would not have even been sure if it went through.  a few years ago, i would have said nothing to keep the peace amongst the family.  but what good does it do to try and provide peace to others if i myself am not at peace?  that family member still has not uttered a word to me and it has been a full week.  just because someone is family does not give them a license to be disrespectful towards you, if anything, family should treat you with more respect to offset the bullshit you deal with from the outside world day to day.  my text message was not received well but i do not receive disrespect well.  with that being said, perhaps that family member is also someone who is not meant to be on my journey, or at the very least, not in the same capacity as they once were.

 

what moves have you made that were misunderstood by someone you loved? are they still on the journey with you? did you shift them into a different category?  i would love to hear about it below.

 

xoxo,

k. tap