i consider myself to be an ex-perfectionist that is in recovery.  it was sometime during my  grad program in counseling psych that i had this lightbulb moment where it was like, “holy shit – i am going to miss absolutely everything because i am so focused on perfecting each moment that i am missing every moment.”  part of that moment was sparked by this book – the gifts of imperfection by brené brown.

 

 

i know what you might be thinking…”her previous post was about brené brown.” this probably won’t be the last post you read about her because i think she is spectacular.  she normalizes so much of the shit we drive ourselves crazy about.  or at the very least, shit i drive myself crazy about.

 

brené’s book is meant to help readers accept their truest selves – flaws and all.  perfection is not something that truly exists; it is something that we (as people and a society) have made up.  and with that, we are driving ourselves crazy.  i wanted to figure out how to feel a little less crazy in addition to finding out how to reframe what i viewed as imperfection.

 

in my most recent post, i discussed a quote of brené’s on courage.  in this book, she talks about how the original definition of courage was linked closely with the concept of vulnerability and how now, there has been a shift and it is linked closely with being heroic.  her thought is that we need to get back to that original definition – courage, even if seemingly ordinary, is something magnificent.  especially because in today’s world, courage that is linked to vulnerability is rare.  the example that immediately came to mind for me happened a few years ago; my grandmother was diagnosed with cancer for a third time.  typically, it would be in my nature to tell hardly anyone or downplay how hard things were for me to anyone who asked.  i decided to take a different approach.  i sent a detailed email to about 20 people who i am close with.  i not only covered the type of cancer she had, but i was vulnerable about my feelings and how i would likely need support (that some may have never previously given me – either because it wasn’t needed or because i did not make it obvious that it was something i needed).  it was incredible to see how many people showed up for me during that time.  while it was wildly uncomfortable for me to send that email, and for a moment, even felt like a sign of weakness, in retrospect, i know just how courageous that was.

 

there is this section dedicated to worthiness that has helped me greatly as a person and as a therapist with each of my clients.  i would say it has been even more helpful in my work with so many teen girls of color, who are being told at every turn that they are not enough as they are.

“the greatest challenge for most of us is believing that we are worthy now, right this minute.  worthiness doesn’t have prerequisites.  so many of us have knowingly created/unknowingly allowed/been handed down a long list of worthiness prerequisites:

• i’ll be worthy when i lose 20 pounds
• i’ll be worthy if i can get pregnant
• i’ll be worthy if i can get/stay sober
• i’ll be worthy if everyone thinks i am a good parent
• i’ll be worthy when i can make a living selling my art
• i’ll be worthy if i can hold my marriage together
• i’ll be worthy when i make partner
• i’ll be worthy when my parents finally approve
• i’ll be worthy if he calls back and asks me out
• i’ll be worthy when i can do it all and look like i’m not even trying

here’s what is truly at the heart of wholeheartedness: worthy now. not if. not when. we are worthy of love and belonging now. right this minute. as is.”

now, i think every person reading this can relate to at least one of those bullet points.  and in working with impressionable teen girls, i work with them to hush the voices inside of their heads that sound like those bullet points.  i explain this concept of brené’s to them that i hope they carry long after their work with me – “in a society that says, ‘put yourself last,’ self-love and self-acceptance are almost revolutionary.”

 

something that was confusing to me as child that i carried into adulthood was this concept of perfectionism being synonymous with doing my absolute best.  this was not only inaccurate but a way to set myself up for failure time and time again.  it was this idea that my best was not good enough.  perfectionism also went against something i cared more about as an adult: authenticity.  how could i be authentically me if my primary concern centered around looking and acting perfect?  i wanted to shift from believing that improvement was only occurring if perfection was achieved.  this took an immense amount of practice and breaking down years of trying to be perfect.  the work was well worth it once on the other side.

 

as i have unearthed the true value of imperfection, i have felt more at peace than i knew possible.  it has enabled me to be proud of myself.  it has enabled me to feel joy.

“what is joy? joy seems to be a step beyond happiness.  happiness is a sort of atmosphere you can live in sometimes when you’re lucky.  joy is a light that fills you with hope and faith and love.” -adela rogers st. johns

 

so i ask you: how do you practice courage?  does your idea of worthiness have prerequisites?  when is the last time you felt joy?  have you found the beauty in imperfection?

 

xoxo,

k. tap

 

 

 

 

february is my absolute favorite month.  it is my birthday, black history month and the month of love.  in light of love, i figured i would introduce you all to one of my favorite books – the 5 love languages by gary chapman.

 

 

i have read this book more times than i can count, i chose to write a paper on it in grad school for my psychology of marriage class, i have used it as a tool in countless sessions with couples/singles/teens and i have had multiple loved ones take the assessment (which you can take here).

 

the 5 love languages are on a 30 point scale.  you can have anywhere from 0 to 12 points in any given category.

first, i want you to have an idea of what the 5 love languages are:

1. acts of service
2. physical touch
3. quality time
4. receiving gifts
5. words of affirmation

 

the thought is that these are the ways in which you receive love.  to get a better understanding of each, i will provide a general definition along with personal examples.  i will also share my love languages and how i think those play out in my life whether it be with a partner, a family member, a friend or at work.

 

acts of service is essentially anything that someone does to make your life a bit easier and perhaps, that is how you receive love.  the first thing that comes to mind is my dynamic with my roommate from freshman year, marilena.  she absolutely hates washing dishes and i cannot stand taking out the trash.  when we lived together, it was almost unspoken that each of us would take care of the thing the other did not like.  now that we are adults with our own apartments in separate cities, when we visit one another during a hectic week, we still do those things.  she might be responding to emails for work or simply laying on her couch after a long day and i will clean her kitchen.  when she comes to visit me, she will take out three bags of trash/recycling that i may have let pile up.  part of why this works for us is because i think she also values acts of service.

 

physical touch can be anything from someone you love resting their hand on your lap, to holding hands, to hugs, to kisses, to sex – and everything in between.  when i think of physical touch, i think of my mom.  she is an incredibly tactile person.  her preferred method of greeting someone is with a hug – even if they have met for the very first time.  because i know that this is a way in which she receives love, we do not ever see one another without doing a significant embrace.  i do not think that is something we will ever outgrow.

 

quality time has different definitions depending on who you ask.  for some, it is simply being in the presence of someone you love – whether it be in silence, while watching television or doing something active.  for me, it is about intentional time spent with someone i love with meaningful conversation and/or a meaningful experience.  the two things that come to mind for me are tgit nights with one of my best friends, jaclyn.  for years, we would get together every single thursday for dinner, wine and most importantly, tgit (thank god it’s thursday).  we would watch the shonda line up – grey’s anatomy, scandal and how to get away with murder.  we would be sure to get together at least one hour before the shows started to enjoy dinner with one another and recap our weeks and then, we got to dive into our favorite shows and almost have strokes during the commercial breaks.  shonda rhimes tends to have the impact on people.  the next thing that comes to mind are concerts/music festivals.  i have seen over 100 shows and each one holds a special memory.  one that stands out is my first coachella in 2015.  i was sitting in a field and looked jason (who might as well be my brother) in the eye and asked him if he was hearing what i was feeling.  it was almost as if we floated through the crowds to the next sound stage and we did not know who we were watching but we knew we were in love.  that is when we discovered tame impala, a band i have listened to every single day since april of 2015.  whenever i hear tame impala, i think of coachella and that connection with jason and the music. it was unforgettable.

 

receiving gifts is as straightforward as it sounds.  whenever my friend gracelyn comes over on a monday night, she will often bring over snacks, a bottle or champagne or a bouquet from trader joe’s.  all of these are gifts i happily receive.  a more extreme version would be my dad purchasing a lexus for my mom one mother’s day with a personalized plate – 4fe<3mrk (for felecia, love mark).

 

words of affirmation can be something like saying “i love you” before hanging up a phone call, complimenting a loved one on their appearance, telling someone just how much they mean to you or anything else that makes a person sure of their significance.  i have noticed that words of affirmation matter most for me in the work place.  while i do not need a gold star daily, i just like to know that what i am doing is on track and impactful.  luckily for me, my current boss definitely is a words of affirmation kind of guy.  whenever we complete a project or kill it in a meeting, he will say, “kristin, you are a rockstar!” sometimes, he makes up little songs about my awesomeness. it is hilarious.

 

anyway, the moment you have all been waiting for…

 

my results:

• quality time – 12
• acts of service – 7
• physical touch – 4
• words of affirmation – 4
• receiving gifts – 3

 

while the focus seems to be on how you receive love, what i have found to be true is that we tend to love people in our love languages.  so for me, quality time and acts of service are incredibly high.  the ways in which i showed love to people whom i loved was by spending uninterrupted time with them, experiencing things like travel and concerts with them,  preparing a meal for them, or doing anything that i thought could make their lives easier.  this rang true for partners, friends and family.  what i realized (both personally and in working with clients) is that sometimes, the recipient may not be feeling all of that love and effort i was putting in.  while spending time with someone uninterrupted is incredibly meaningful to me, for a partner who loved words of affirmation, a simple text that said, “you were the first thought on my mind this morning. have a wonderful day.” changed the course of his entire day.  i, on the other hand, could see that text and not think about it again.  i might even have to remind myself to respond.  that is because that is not my preferred love language.  but because i knew it was his, i made a conscious effort to meet him where he was.  especially when i noticed how he would meet me where i was – quality time until 4am after a night grad class that let out at 9pm or the simple act of making my bed while i showered.  those things that may not stand out to others stood out to me because that is how i receive love. i truly make an effort to meet each of my loves ones where they are.

 

when i was in san diego a couple of weeks back, the 5 love languages came up.  everyone in the room ended up taking the assessment.  my friend zach had an interesting observation/critique – should there be four separate assessments? one for partners, one for family, one for friends and one for work?  he felt his answers for each of those situations would be different.  what do you think?

 

how do you receive love?  have you been meeting your loved ones where they are?  are your loved ones meeting you where you need to be met?  i would love to hear about it in the comments below.

 

xoxo,

k.tap