have you ever felt off but just couldn’t quite pinpoint what was going on to cause that feeling?  for me, that happens a bit more than i’d like, especially as someone who is a processor.

recently, i had a conversation with one of my closest friends, jaclyn.  ironically, she is a kickass therapist.  how lucky am i to just have her in my back pocket?  anyway, we were sitting across from one another at panera and i not only had an aha moment, but i was able to share how i was feeling for the first time out loud.  i was telling her that i felt like i was missing out on companionship but felt some shame around how that sounded.  i have so many things to be grateful for and have accomplished so much.  why should i feel like something is missing due to lack of companionship?

what she helped me unearth is that it was not lack of companionship on its own.  yes, many of my friends are in committed relationships and i am pretty much the black version of katherine heigl in the movie 27 dresses, but i do not want companionship simply because others have it.  i want companionship with a very specific person and felt like i had missed my window.  even though i have let go of a ton of my perfectionistic tendencies, one thing i have not let go of completely is this idea of timing be perfect in order to be in a relationship.  in waiting for the perfect time, i could be waiting for an eternity.  after saying it all out loud, i realized i felt like a piece of me was broken.  there should not be any shame in admitting that.

the very next day, one of my coworkers and friends posted this and it just tugged at my heartstrings.

“in japan, broken objects are often repaired with gold.  the flaw is seen as a unique piece of the object’s history, which adds to its beauty.  consider this when you feel broken.”

i thought that instead of viewing this piece of me as flawed with a negative connotation, i have worked on reframing it as being a piece of my story, even if it is devastatingly beautiful.  i also went out on a limb and wrote the person a letter laying out exactly how i have been feeling and how i currently feel.  and no matter the outcome, my story is richer in love and authenticity as a result.

who doesn’t love a little gold?

xoxo,

k. tap

hi lovelies!  i am sorry i have been mia – i really need to figure out a better system for the weeks where i am traveling, especially because june will be full of it.  i had every intention on writing this post midday on monday but decided to take a nap in my car with the a/c on full blast at the stanford shopping center because walking from true food kitchen to my suv wiped me the fuck out since it was 112 degrees.  i have said this time and time again but i really do not appreciate the weather when it is over 80 degrees unless i can easily access a body of water.  sorry for the rant – i just had to get that out.

i have been in the bay since last thursday.  the trip started to develop a few months ago when i was having withdrawals from my grad school girls.  then as time went on, it evolved into multiple visits with them, a party for my favorite boss turned friend i have ever had, a 48 hour getaway to livermore to do wine tasting with my twin and more amazing meals than i could count with some of my closest friends from undergrad.  i am getting back on the road tomorrow and almost feel uneasy about it just because i don’t know when my next trip here will be.

whenever i am with my grad school girls, i feel even more at home talking about mental health.  even though i work as a counselor daily and am planning on continuing to knock out my hours needed for licensure, i am the only person at my job who has my role.  sometimes, i might be having a rough work day and i miss being able to just chat with my grad school crew over dinner about all things mental health related.  ironically enough, christine (one of my grad school girls) reposted this while i was sitting in her living room.  i swear she just really gets it.  and apparently, so does the therapist that posted this.

at first glance, i thought of many of my clients.  with us being on summer break, i spent a great deal of my last few weeks reminding them about the benefits of preventative mental health care in an effort to avoid us having to jump into reactive mental health care mode once summer ends.  in looking at the post again, i started to think about myself in addition to own family and friends.

2019 has definitely been a year full of boundary setting which i have found to truly be a form of preventative care.  after having to have surgery on my uterus last year, i find myself going to the doctor more frequently and not just when shit hits the fan.  in working on my blog and having the opportunity to do research for inspiration, i am definitely consuming media that both helps and supports me – i am also producing media that helps and supports me.  it is an awesome feeling.

there were many years, some of them being when i was in a grad program for counseling psych, where i was doing more of the reactive mental health care – i would go to the doctor only if it felt like i was knocking on death’s door (and would often miss or simply not schedule the regular appointments), there would be a few days a year where i would shut down completely and have to close myself off from the entire world without any explanation, and oftentimes, i would only allow myself certain things if i “earned it” by working crazy hours or getting the perfect score on an assignment.  this was no way for me to live.

in thinking about my family and friends, i realized more of them than i would like fall into the category on the right.  why is that?  why is mental health care only a priority in a reactive way versus a preventative way?  it is as if people ignore a problem until it is too big to ignore, and then they act.  wouldn’t it be easier to put some preventative measures in place to avoid having to do the reactive piece in the first place?

moving forward, i am going to make an even more conscious effort to be preventative instead of reactive.  i cannot wait to see the payoff – it is inevitable.

when thinking about your own mental health care, are you preventative or reactive?

xoxo,

k. tap

even though on the show “insecure” i am #teamissa, in real life, it is hard not to love jay ellis (who plays lawrence on hbo’s hit show – season four will be airing this summer!).

earlier this week, he posted a simple quote that had me in deep thought for hours afterwards.

“often, people who can do, don’t because they’re afraid of what people who can’t do will say about them doing”

woah.

i found this to be applicable to many things in my own life.  i was hesitant about starting this blog,  i used to be unsure about what i wanted to wear to the pool or beach being in this bigger body of mine (thank god i got over that), i almost didn’t get my first one bedroom apartment at 21 just because most of the people around me weren’t doing it – this list could go on forever and ever.

but here’s the thing – i knew i could do all of those things whether it was starting the blog, rocking a bikini, living on my own in a city with no family; i knew i could do it because i knew i was a badass. now, at a younger age, i was much more concerned about what people around me would say and think about the choices i was making. not only did their opinions not really matter but for the ones who did weigh in negatively, it really was more of a reflection of how they viewed themselves.

why would i allow someone else’s insecurities impact my decision making?

think about it: what is something you are fully capable of doing that you have been holding off on due to fear of what people (who aren’t even capable of doing what you can) have to say? if your list was as long as mine in my early to mid 20s, it is time to get to work.

just do it.

xoxo,

k. tap