it is no secret that i love to read, but clearly, i have been on a heavy duty poetry kick as of late.  last month, i reread “salt.” (yet again) and loved it.  this month, i picked up “the sun and her flowers” by rupi kaur for the third time.  you can get your copy here – i am all about amazon because i hate having to wait extended periods of time to get my hands on a good book.

 

 

even though christmas is one of my least favorite holidays, this book was gifted to me by my friend anthony.  while i initially thought it was odd since he knows i am not really about christmas, i realized once reading the inscription that it was far more about being an aid in the healing process with it being my very first christmas without my grandmother.  not only did it help me greatly during that first holiday season/year without her, it is a book that i find myself picking up again and again.

*by the way, anthony sketches some really dope shit – check him out here!

 

there are some poems that hit differently on this third read – i am going to include some of my favorites for you to enjoy.

 

“the irony of loneliness is we all feel it at the same time  – together”

while this resonated with me during my first read, after having some years under my belt as a counselor, these words are ones that i reference in sessions with clients.  so many of the teen girls that i work with think they are the only ones who are lonely without realizing that the girl smiling in their pre-calc class is just as lonely, she just wears it differently.

 

“this place makes me the kind of exhausted that has nothing to do with sleep and everything to do with the people around me  – introvert”

the older i get, the more introverted i become.  the more introverted i become, the more time i need to recharge after being in social situations.  whether it is something i do regularly like work or something that is less frequent like a birthday party, i find myself being tapped out if i do not carve out the appropriate time to recoup. it has also made me ultra aware of who i choose to spend my time (exhaust my energy) with/on.

 

“the way you speak of yourself the way you degrade yourself into smallness is abuse  – self-harm”

so frequently, self-harm is viewed solely as physically hurting oneself – what i like about this poem is that it highlights that there are various types of self-harm, especially repeated self-degradation.

 

“sometimes i stop myself from saying the words out loud as if leaving my mouth too often might wear them down  – i love you”

during my first read, i both loved and hated this poem.  i loved it because it totally captured who i am in intimate relationships but i hated it because i would give anything to tell my grammy i loved her just one more time.  while she was here, we said it during every phone call and when saying goodbye in person.  however, i made a vow to myself to say it more often to those who i know i love because who knows when will be the last time i have a chance to say it or they have a chance to hear it.  with 2019 being my year of vulnerability, i have really been practicing this more.  it has been beautiful and does not wear down the words in the slightest for me or the recipient(s).

 

“if i am the longest relationship of my life isn’t it time to nurture intimacy and love with the person i lie in bed with each night  – acceptance”

*pardon the shadowing on the page above – even after several attempts, this was the best shot

so often, i hear people talking about another person completing them.  while i believe in love and partnership fully, i do not love this concept.  i think as people, we should be complete on our own.  and with that comes nurturing the most important relationship in our lives – the one that serves as the foundation for all other relationships; our relationship with ourselves.  this poem will always serve as a reminder to do just that.

 

if you have read “the sun and her flowers”, i would love to hear which poem(s) is your favorite.  if you have not read it in its entirety, tell me which of the ones i posted above resonates with you most.

 

xoxo,

k. tap

 

 

this month, i am covering a book i have read cover to cover on more than one occasion and it is a book i am sure to read again.

 

 

when i was gifted “salt.” by nayyirah waheed from marilena, my college roommate turned sister turned soulmate, i knew i was in for a treat.  marilena tends to gift me exactly what i need at the exact time i need it – whether it is introducing me to the dip brow by anastasia beverly hills during a weekend at coachella a few years back, treating me to a 24 hour getaway in napa amidst the chaos of my final year of grad school or gifting me this book full of poems that hit so close to home, i felt like i wrote some of them (especially with the author being a woman of color who does not use capital letters) – she always knocks it out of the park.

 

*this is marilena and i back in january of this year in sf – we happened to overlap long enough to have a brunch date while both of us were in town for other engagements.  we also happen to be in sync on the reg and color coordinate coincidentally.

 

before i share a few of my favorite poems from this book, just know it is one you need and should purchase immediately.  you can get a copy here.

 

something to note is that while some of these will just always be favorites of mine, there are others that rotate in and out depending on where i am in my life.  i think once you get the book, you will definitely see what i mean.

 

“your skin is infamous for making me late to work.  — you know i ain’t got time for that laugh and those eyes.  you ain’t right.”

this one was my absolute favorite the first time i read it and is still one of them.  it reminded me of those beginning stages of falling in love when all you want to do is soak up the other person’s goodness and in doing so, time no longer exists.

 

“the most gorgeous thing on a human is vulnerability.  — want.”

this is another one that stood out during my first read and in each read thereafter, has struck me in a different way.  in 2019, i have been more vulnerable than i ever thought was possible for me.  it is risky but beautiful.

 

“when you are struggling in your writing (art). it usually means you are hearing one thing.  but writing (creating) another.  — honest / risk”

in rereading the book, this is one that caught my attention.  last week, i had returned home from a cruise to ensanada.  at any given time, i have dozens of topics to blog about that i keep on a google doc – i keep this doc active because i never want to be low on content and want to be able to jot down notes no matter where i am.  because of this, it is pretty rare for me to experience writer’s block.  yet here i was – sitting at my macbook with little to nothing to write about.  there was no topic for me to expand on.  then it hit me – what i was supposed to be writing was a love letter that was long overdue to the recipient.  and then it began – hours and hours of typing.  i haven’t had writer’s block since i hit ‘send’ on that letter.

 

“if you are softer than before they came.  you have been loved.”

i have previously been in relationships where the love i needed was not being given.  this definitely contributed to hardening my shell.  part of what let me know the letter i sent last week needed to leave my mind, my heart and my macbook was because there has never been another person to bring out this ultra soft and gentle side of me.  that is love (or at least a part of it i had not fully experienced).

 

if you have read “salt.”, what poem(s) is your favorite?  if you have not read “salt.”, what did you think of the poems i shared above?

 

xoxo,

k. tap

 

 

over a year ago, my friend kendall told me i needed to read the four agreements by don miguel ruiz.  she had listened to it on audiobook and it was such a game changer for her.  she said it was a book she could read/listen to over and over again at various points of her life because it would always be applicable.  because i hate reading more than one book at a time (i think i am traumatized by how often i had to do that during grad school), i simply added it to my list.  luckily, my trip to spain had the perfect amount of downtime to pour into this book while my handsome waiters at various restaurants across barcelona and mallorca poured me refreshing glasses of rosé.

 

 

what are the four agreements?

1. be impeccable with your word
2. don’t take anything personally
3. don’t make assumptions
4. always do your best

 

at first glance, i thought to myself that three out of four did not seem that difficult.  the one i knew i struggled with (as most humans do) is the second one – how could i not take ANYTHING personally?  i just used caps so you know this is a serious question.  it is one thing to not take everything personally but to not take anything personally just seemed crazy to me.  i will dive more into that once i breakdown each of the four agreements.  before i can do that, i have to highlight this powerful line from the very first chapter – the chapter before we even hit the first agreement.

 

ruiz wrote: in your whole life nobody has ever abused you more than you have abused yourself. and the limit of your self-abuse is exactly the limit that you will tolerate from someone else.

 

that line was incredibly powerful both in my personal life and in my professional life.  when i thought about it, much of the abuse i have suffered (mental, emotional, verbal) was in fact terrible but the way i treated myself afterwards – the way i allowed myself to be treated by others – that was arguably worse.  then i thought about my clients.  whether they have reported being hit or called out of their names or touched inappropriately by a family member – while all of that abuse is horrific, the ways in which they abused themselves afterwards was absolutely devastating.  when i work with them, we are not just working through the trauma of the event(s), we are then working on how they can learn to treat themselves better by valuing themselves more.

 

my mom has always said that we teach people how to treat us.  i think ruiz was saying the same thing in the introduction of his book.  mama knows best.

 

the first agreement – be impeccable with your word:  this is the agreement that comes the most naturally for me even though it is as described as being the most difficult.  i know that this agreement was strengthened as a result of being in a graduate program that required so much vulnerability paired with having a slew of clients that would be hanging on to the words i said during session.  because words are so powerful (and we are the only animals on the planet that have this gift), there is this responsibility to be cognizant of the impact of our words.  while words can build people up, they can also destroy people.  it then becomes even more crucial to be impeccable with our word – ruiz describes it as being a way to show love yourself.  i could not agree more.

 

the second agreement – don’t take anything personally:  this is a tough one for me.  as i have gotten older, i have gotten better about not caring as much about what people say or think about me.  according to ruiz, what someone says about you says more about them than you.  however, the thought is that is we take what is said about us personally, it is because we agree about what was said.  the line that stood out to me was: you eat all their emotional garbage, and now it becomes your garbage.  it made me wonder how much garbage i had consumed over the years that needed to be taken out because it was overcrowding this sacred space of mine.

 

the third agreement – don’t make assumptions: this one seemed the most common sensical to me but i find that people make assumptions regularly.  the reason i do not make them too often is because i found that making assumptions leads to disappointment more often than not.  this is often because i am giving people more credit than what they have shown me they deserve.  the issue with assumptions, according to ruiz, is that we believe our assumptions to be the truth.  this is applicable whether the assumption about a person or situation is good or bad.  assumptions lead to misunderstandings.  i am trying to avoid misunderstandings as often as possible.

 

the fourth agreement – always do your best:  before reading this book, i cannot say i thought this was great advice.  now, i know that may seem a bit crazy but i did not think every situation called for my absolute best.  doing my best can be exhausting and so i am more selective about when and where i will do my best – i tend to base it on whether or not i think the person or situation is deserving of such.  ruiz has a different approach and also acknowledged something crucial – our best will look different day to day.  my best on a day where i have slept seven hours after soaking in a bathtub is going to look different than my best on a day where i am running on three hours of sleep and had to spray on extra deodorant because i did not have time for a shower.  but here is the key of why ruiz instructs us to always do our best – if we are always doing our best, then there is no room for judgment, guilt, blame or self-punishment.  while i have not fully transitioned into always doing my best, i definitely see the benefits of this agreement.

 

it is a book i would strongly recommend.  not only is it a quick read but i believe every person could take something away from this book.

 

which agreement do you value most?  which agreement comes the easiest for you?  which agreement is the most difficult for you?

 

xoxo,

k. tap

 

 

 

 

last year, we had selected a series of books ahead of time for my short-lived book club.  one of the ones that stood out both because of the bold title and because it was a new york times best seller was…

 

 

the subtle art of not giving a f*ck – a counterintuitive approach to living a good life by mark manson

 

this book was amazing to read.  it made me laugh, it made me feel understood and it made me reevaluate what i dedicate my energy to.

 

while it is important to give a fuck about something, it is not only impossible, but unnecessary to give a fuck about absolutely everything.  there was this short paragraph within the first few pages that set the tone for the entire book for me: and while there’s nothing wrong with good business, the problem is that giving too many fucks is bad for your mental health.  it causes you to become overly attached to the superficial and fake, to dedicate your life to chasing a mirage of happiness and satisfaction.  the key to a good life is not giving a fuck about more; it’s giving a fuck about less, giving a fuck about only what is true and immediate and important.

 

what would my world be like if i only gave a fuck about what was true and important?

 

here is what it looks like: being able to dedicate time, energy and love to those (things and people) that are truly deserving/worthwhile.  this also means not later apologizing for being able to prioritize the things that matter, which, by the way, includes yourself.

 

i placed a post it on that page at some point last year.  and while i may have just finished the book last weekend in mexico, it is not a point that i ever forgot about.  when i picked the book back up, there were so many other pieces that stood out to me.

 

as a society, we are taught to measure how we feel about ourselves based on each accomplishment.  and there is a certain benchmark for each accomplishment.  but what if you are moving at a different pace?  what if the typical accomplishments are not ones that matter to you?  as i continued reading, i stumbled upon this idea: the true measurement of self-worth is not how a person feels about their positive experiences, but rather how she feels about her negative experiences.

 

so many of those benchmarks that i was using to measure myself happened once every 3-5 years.  what about everything else?  what about my ability to persevere and be resilient through the most difficult of times?  how was that not being taken into consideration when i evaluated myself? if i was able to overcome relationships and situations that could have knocked me out, what does that say about me?  arguably, it says more about me than being able to simply sail through the best of times.

 

the last piece i want to leave you with is his piece on love and intimate relationships: the truth is, there are healthy forms of love and unhealthy forms of love.  unhealthy love is based on two people trying to escape their problems through their emotions for each other — in other words, they are using each other as an escape.  healthy love is based on two people acknowledging and addressing their own problems with each other’s support.

 

when i tell you that i thought back to every relationship or situationship i have been in to try and figure out which category it fell into, i was shook.  how had i normalized countless types of unhealthy forms of love?  when all you know is one thing, it becomes the norm no matter its impact on your emotional or mental health.  even as a therapist, this was eyeopening.

 

mark manson is completely raw, authentic and unapologetic.  he owns all of his shit – both the good and the bad.  that is what made this book exponentially more relatable.  i would highly recommend it to anyone, especially someone who is looking to elevate themselves (which truly requires leaping outside of their comfort zone).