i wanted to rap with you all about something that keeps resurfacing both at work and in my personal life – mental health treatment.

 

now, for those of you who are new to my blog, i have my masters in counseling psychology with a marriage and family therapy emphasis.  i currently work at an all girls college prep school as a counselor that wears two hats – one is doing academic advising for 9th and 10th grade and the other is doing mental health counseling for grades 9 through 12 while accruing the 3000 hours needed for licensure.

 

since we have been quarantined, there has been a spike in the number of students seeking treatment and an increase in the number of sessions requested by students i was already seeing regularly.  i have also been on the receiving end of tons of text messages, dms and phone calls from friends who feel like they are “losing it” or “spiraling out of control” or “simply cannot explain these feelings”.

 

for my students i was seeing regularly, some of them no longer have the privacy to discuss issues they might have in my office because the people they want to talk to me about are now at home with them.  for my students i had only seen in an academic setting that are now considering mental health treatment, there has been a lot of hesitation.  the same applies for my friends ranging from ages 25 to 60, both men and women.  when doing some digging as to where the hesitation stemmed from, there was a common theme that came up again and again.  it is one that drives me a bit crazy and something that needs to be acknowledged.  faith broussard cade put it simply:

 

 

“just because your grandma/grandpa/mama/daddy didn’t “believe in therapy” doesn’t mean you shouldn’t seek the mental health treatment you need…how you heal is your choice.” -faith broussard cade

 

while i know therapy still has a stigma, especially with the populations i work with, this is still something i am trying to instill in my students because i want them to be adults that do not feel shame around prioritizing mental health and healing in a way that feels good for them.  as far as my friends who have the agency over their lives and the funds to make mental health a priority with ease, i want them to break the cycle of not healing because it was not prioritized by the adults who reared them.

 

my own father went from being someone who refused to go to therapy with me as an adolescent when i requested it (and said it is for particular groups, young black women not being one of them) to questioning both my major and choice of university for undergrad to telling me on my graduation day that it “looks like you made the right decision – i am glad you listened to your gut” to hearing of the work i did during practicum in grad school and telling me how proud he was of me to opening up about some of his own traumas last year and saying that he was considering therapy for himself for the very first time at the ripe age of 63.

 

far before my dad got on board, i made a choice about my mental health in an effort to break a series of cycles that were not in alignment with who i was and more importantly, who i wanted to be.  had i listened to him, i would be have waited until i got his stamp of approval at the age of 29 before working on me.  instead, i did the work anyway (and continue to do so).

 

i am so fucking glad that i did.

 

quarantine has provided many of us with more time for quiet to sit alone with our thoughts and feelings than we typically get.  if you have had thoughts or feelings come up that don’t seem feasible to tackle on your own, what better time to vet a therapist?

 

i want you to take a moment and silence every single voice in your head that is not your own.  then, tell me what healing looks like for you.

 

xoxo,

k. tap

 

weepy.  exhausted.  depleted.

 

on multiple calls over the last several days, friends have checked in to see how i was doing and those are the three words that best described it.  but then again, how do you describe something in a way that captures everything all at once?  is it even possible?

 

i watched more tv than what should ever be allowed last tuesday and wednesday.  while what i was watching would have tugged at my heartstrings no matter what, i don’t think it would ordinarily produce tears.  i am not talking about a tear or two – i am talking about uncontrollable sobbing.  sometimes, i found myself still weeping even when the credits started rolling.  20 straight minutes of crying is practically unheard of for me, yet there i was.  it was not until a friend text messaged me to schedule a call that i became aware of what time of year it was.

 

i opened my calendar and it was april 29th.  there was only one day left in april before entering the month of may – the month i now dread because i am reminded over and over again that you are not here.  you passed on the 7th, mother’s day is always closely thereafter, papa’s birthday is on the 17th and your funeral was on the 25th.   on some level, it feels like i hold my breath for the entire month without ever truly feeling settled.

 

the thing about grief that is a misconception is that time heals all.  i am not a wreck 24/7, 365 but i still have days where i am a wreck.  learning to sit with that instead of trying to bury it has truly been a challenge unlike any other.

 

in the last year, i have grown, loved and lost.  i often wonder what wisdom you would have offered me.  that has only been amplified amidst the pandemic we are in.  as much as i miss you, i am almost grateful you are not having to deal with this bullshit.  it is wild.

 

anyway, i make a conscious effort to honor you both in big and small ways.  sometimes, it is something simple like baking lemon bars for the first time (i know how much you loved a good lemon dessert), sending jaclyn a sympathy card from your personal collection when she lost her grandmother or helping a well deserving student-athlete pay for her letterman jacket.  other times, it is something bigger like standing next to crystal as her maid of honor (you would have loved sam, by the way), facilitating coming out conversations between at least a dozen of my students and their families or driving six hours to the bay to comfort a friend who never asks for anything but vocalized needing support.

 

while this last year without you was easier than year two, i can say with conviction that i do not miss you any less.  the older i get and the more i work on myself, the more of you i see in me.  it is both healing and heartbreaking but the heartbreak is worth it.

 

you taught me so much about unconditional love, patience, independence, compassion and how to foster meaningful relationships – all of the things they don’t teach you in school (even though they should).  now that i am 30, i think of what this decade will hold for me.  two of the most monumental shifts will be having my own practice and becoming a mother.  while there is still some time before either of those boxes are checked off, if my 30s go by as quickly as my 20s did, i know each is just around the corner.  with what you instilled in me, i know both are undertakings i can accomplish.  i just wish you were here to experience all of it with me.

 

i love and miss you with every ounce of my being.

 

love always,

pumpkin

 

 

 

 

first off, i hope all of you have had a decent start to the week.  typically, i would say good start or great start but i think that is a bit harder to achieve amidst covid/quarantine.  and trust me, that is okay.  sometimes, a decent start is still something to celebrate.

 

shifting gears, i want to touch on what it looks like to date during quarantine.  some of my friends are already boo’d up so this does not apply to them.  others have no interest in getting to know anyone new during this time as simply managing their own emotions and thoughts is tough enough.  and then there are the friends like me – the ones that are utilizing this time where we may not be able to connect in person to connect virtually.  why hold off on having those real conversations that typically take place on date three or five or ten?  there is plenty of time now to have the more substantial conversations and get to know someone beyond just the physical aspect.  i would argue that it is even a way to weed out people that you are not compatible with before wasting the time, energy and money it takes to get ready for a first date.

 

in hearing some of my friends talk about dating, there are lengthy lists of requirements many people have.  here’s an example…one of my girlfriends won’t look at you if you do not check off all of the following boxes: at least six feet tall, perfect smile, broad shoulders, abs, at least a bachelors degree, make at least 100k yearly, has a great relationship with family, loves to travel, open to relocating to her hometown, makes her laugh regularly, and i know i am definitely forgetting a couple.

 

now here’s the thing: some of you are reading this and don’t think this list is crazy at all; others are reading it and are asking yourself if the man described above even exists.  while this list is long in my personal opinion, i do not know that it is crazy (my list looks different but that is a different conversation).  i also know that this man does exist.  i have met more than one that falls into this category.  my issue is less with the list and more with my friend who made it.  do you know why?

 

i do not think she has taken the time to ask herself a very important question…

 

 

“do you meet all of the requirements that you require?”

 

is it reasonable or fair to require someone to check off a ton of boxes that you yourself do not?  some might say yes.  my answer is a hard no.

 

there is nothing i require from people in relationships that i am not bringing to the table.  that does not mean that i have low expectations, i just don’t have ones that are unrealistic or what i would even call ridiculous.  i cannot require that someone be willing to relocate if we do not live in the same place (when i don’t want to leave la again), have washboard abs (when i have always been a big girl) or have a picture perfect relationship with their family (when my relationship with my family has had its fair share of bumps and bruises).  i require someone that is a strong communicator, driven, a beautiful smile, trustworthy and is passionate about whatever they spend the bulk of their time doing (whether a degree is present or not).  do i have other things on my list? absolutely.  but the other things on that list are still things i also am bringing to the table.

 

now, while the examples i used above reference dating, i think this quote provides food for thought for a variety of relationships – ones with family, friends, people at the workplace, etc.  have you thought about whether or not you meet all of the requirements that you require?  if you are having trouble answering the question, write it down.  it will be super clear to you then.

 

last, but certainly not least, if you are free tonight at 7pm pst, tune into my instagram live.  there are some really great questions that i am looking forward to answering.  can’t wait to connect with you!

 

xoxo,

k. tap

earlier today, i was on facetime with my friend galina and we were talking about the highs and lows of being quarantined.  while our highs included still being employed and able to work from the safety of our own homes, carving out time for long bubble baths and our families being healthy, one of the lows for us both was that in person connectivity that just cannot be matched from behind a screen.

 

it was refreshing to have a candid conversation about everything that is going on in the world but what was more refreshing was to have candid conversations about everything else.  we might be in a pandemic but that does not mean we have to avoid conversations about work, friends, family, love and life as a whole.  today, i got to belly laugh while hours flew by and my bottle of sauvignon blanc disappeared more quickly than i would like to admit.  i thought about how fortunate i am to still have people and things to belly laugh with and about.  it reminded me of this quote my friend jessie posted a couple of days ago…

 

 

“i think one of my favorite feelings is laughing with someone and realizing half way through how much you enjoy them and their existence.”

 

amidst all of the bullshit going on, i want you to stop for just a moment and think about the people who make you laugh in a way where you feel it with your whole body.  think about the kind of people who can even make you laugh that way.  it is usually people who love and get you in ways most others don’t.  it makes you grateful to know them, love them and be loved by them.

 

today, i am grateful for the existence of so many people.  that does not stop just because we are quarantined.

 

xoxo,

k. tap

today was my first day back at work after being on spring break for just over a week. while i am fortunate enough to be able to work from home during this pandemic, i feel just as fortunate to have had some time off last week. even if unable to leave my apartment, it served as a great time to just reset. part of this was made easier due to my friend teki challenging many of her close friends to 21 days of meditation with the final day being her 30th birthday. talk about perfectly timed, right?!

anyway, both the meditations and writing in my gratitude journal daily while not working granted me a special opportunity. this swedish word captures it best:

“fika – a moment to slow down and appreciate the good things in life.”

during quarantine, have you taken a moment or two to slow down and express gratitude? i have found that sometimes, it is enough to shift my entire day.

xoxo,

k. tap