i wish i could tell you that today was filled with productivity but if i am being honest, i slept for the bulk of the day (this is spring break at the school where i work), watched more television than i ordinarily would and had a few calls with friends.  coping with covid has definitely been a rollercoaster, especially as someone that lives alone.

 

that being said, on days where i have been more productive and feeling up for more socialization, i have been challenging myself.  challenging myself to be more vulnerable. challenging myself to have conversations i have been putting off.  challenging myself to put myself out there in ways i would not typically do.  if quarantine has taught me anything, it has taught me the importance of connection and not taking it for granted.

 

my thought was each thing that i did to challenge myself would bring me to a point where i would no longer be fearful at all.  that has not been the case.  but here’s the thing…

 

 

“sometimes the fear won’t go away, so you’ll have to do it scared”

 

i have been doing plenty of scary things and so far, i have not had a single regret.

 

what is a conversation or challenge you have been putting off due to fear that could be conquered during covid-19?

 

xoxo,

k. tap

two of the many interesting things about quarantine are additional time to connect with others and a great amount of time to reflect.  each day, i have had at least two meaningful facetime calls with friends and family.  there has been a ton of overlap in the themes of these conversations.  the one i am highlighting this evening are relationships that have run their course.

 

i think there is this idea that is instilled in many of us from a young age around the amount time spent doing something or building a relationship with someone being a factor that is significant enough to continue doing it or being in that relationship.  what is not discussed is the idea of being able to stop doing something or cut off a relationship once you have done everything in your power to make it a positive experience and it is not working or the other party is not doing their part to keep the relationship afloat.

 

i had a conversation over the weekend with a dear friend and he kept saying how many years he put into the relationship.  he then went on to list all of the ways this relationship was not only toxic but abusive.  but in his mind, the justification was the number of years put in.  it was this idea that if he truly ended things, all of the time spent in that relationship would have been wasted as opposed to viewing it as an experience to learn and grow for himself and for the next relationship.

 

it made me think of this quote i stumbled across a few weeks ago:

 

 

“don’t cling to a mistake just because you spent a lot of time making it.”

 

i shared this image/quote with him and he was shook.  it was exactly what he needed to read in order to start the process of letting go.

 

what thing or relationship (and not just intimate, platonic ones count, too!) are you clinging onto simply because of the amount of time you invested?

 

xoxo,

k. tap

while the number of hours i spend working a week have oddly increased during quarantine, i also have the occasional gap in my day that allows time for self reflection or connection with important people in my life.

with all of the uncertainty in the world right now, it is even more important to lean on one another. vulnerability is grossly underrated.

my thought of the week, courtesy of billy chapata, is simple yet powerful:

“appreciate the ones who carry your concerns when your soul feels heavy. the ones who put their load down for a brief moment to check in on you and make you feel lighter. the ones who resist from weighing you down with their opinion but instead, offer you a space free of judgement.”

there is something beautiful and unifying about someone putting their loads down, even just for a moment, to be sure that those they love are doing okay. that space becomes even more desirable when it is judgment free.

this pandemic has created a lot of stress and reignited some grief, loss and trauma for those who have lost someone either unexpectedly or due to something respiratory related.

i have had a lot of people reach out to me to ask me what they can do to help and i think oftentimes, we think if it is not something that helps millions of people, it isn’t helpful. i strongly disagree.

check in on your loved ones, especially the ones who normally hold others up. schedule a facetime or two per day to just remind those closest to you that you love them and that they are not alone during this time.

for all of those who have checked in on me, agreed to scheduling a facetime, answered an unscheduled facetime or just sent me a text or dm to inquire about the wellness of me, my family and my clients, i love you more than you know.

for those of you who normally are slow to initiate contact with your loved ones, i couldn’t think of a better time to start.

stay safe out there.

xoxo,

k. tap

things have been fucking weird over the last couple of weeks here in la (and worldwide, la was just late to the party) due to covid-19.  so weird in fact that i could not pinpoint why i felt a shift this morning when i woke up.  i felt the need to extend myself to others in this time of complete confusion and chaos.  after dropping off my rent check in their mailbox this morning, a small gesture i thought i could offer was letting my landlords (an elderly couple) know that i would be happy to run any errands they needed while i am working from home to avoid them leaving their cute home in pasadena.

 

since i was already out, i indulged and swung by the starbucks drive thru to get a venti iced chai with soy and an added espresso shot.  the sweet guy at the register complimented my braids and i thanked him.  as i reached to grab my phone for him to scan, i caught a glimpse of the tattoo on my arm.  i read and reread the roman numerals.  then i realized what day it was. march 22.

 

today marks 18 years since my uncle passed.  i only had one that i got the opportunity to know (my dad’s brother passed when i was a baby) so uncle melvin or “squeaky” as we called him, was everything to me.  i trusted him fully. we belly laughed together regularly.  i still stop whatever i am doing to watch the green mile whenever it is on tv because we watched it together more times than i could count.

 

he had the biggest heart and was always looking for ways, both big and small, to help others.  with the current state of our world, we should all follow suit (to the best of our abilities).  this quote made me think of him…

 

 

“when we lose someone we love we must learn not to live without them, but to live with the love they left behind.”

 

i am currently jamming out to maze and frankie beverly (one of his favorite groups) and thinking of other ways i can continue to honor his legacy moving forward.

 

today, without even knowing what day it was initially, i lived with the love he left behind.

 

how do you live with the love your loved ones have left behind?  i would love to hear about it.

 

xoxo,

k. tap

in the last several weeks, i have had a ton of conversations about life, love and loyalty. maybe that is just part of the deal with turning 30? things seem to be more serious and more significant. i definitely don’t mind it but it definitely has me in a more contemplative space.

when i was in the bay a little over a week ago, i got to spend some quality time with my dear friends, anj and aaron. in discussing relationships, and more specifically, friendships, there were a series of questions and ideas proposed about loyalty and reciprocity. both are crucial for any healthy relationship. it reminded me of this quote from billy chapata.

 

“are you loyal to you as much as you are loyal to other people? or does your loyalty not understand what reciprocation is yet?” -billy chapata

damn.

here’s the thing: while loyalty and reciprocity are crucial in building relationships, the most important relationship you have is the one with yourself. it sets the tone for all of your other relationships.

so with that, i ask you, are you loyal to you as much as you are loyal to other people? i would love to hear your thoughts.

xoxo,

k. tap