i have seen an abundance of posts in the last few weeks that touch on us entering the last 100 days of not just the year, but the decade.   many of them ask about how you’d like to spend those last days or weeks?  what kind of imprint would you like to leave?

 

i started to think about the last decade.  next, i narrowed it down to the last few years.  then, i thought about just the last year.  to say i have evolved would be an understatement.  in thinking about the shifts i have made to get to where i am, i thought both about how i had to get comfortable with the discomfort around change, and how choice played a substantial role.

 

 

“whatever you are not changing, you are choosing.  read that again.”

 

instagram really delivers some great content from time to time.

 

what haven’t i changed that i am choosing?

 

i choose to not sleep as much as my body really needs and deserves.

i choose to tackle more on my own that what is necessary.

i choose to be a bit too critical of myself.

 

here’s the flip side of this quote:

 

i chose to challenge myself to a year of saying “no” followed by a year of removing the guilt around saying that word.

i chose to get my masters in a helping profession.

i chose to move back to los angeles to continue both to foster important relationships and build a life i could afford (sorry, bay area).

i chose to start this blog.

i chose to get some of this excess weight off (i will always be a big girl but i want to be a big, healthy girl).

i chose to end relationships that were never or no longer reciprocal.

i chose to prioritize my own mental health with the same dedication and intensity as i do when it is one of my clients.

i chose to choose me.

 

committing to change has been an even greater commitment to the betterment of myself.  while i am still a work in progress, i noticed that what i have not changed is much shorter than what i am currently choosing.

 

what are you changing?  what are you choosing?  the good, the bad and the ugly?

 

xoxo,

k. tap

 

 

 

a topic that has come up repeatedly in the last few weeks both in sessions with my clients and in my personal life is this notion that we have to make those around us happy.  sometimes, it is to the extent that our own happiness is pushed to the side or even worse, completely disregarded.

 

with my clients (most of which are teen girls), there is a recurring theme: a need to please their friends, their love interests and above all, their parents.  while there is a great deal of effort that goes into trying to fit in with the right group or be well liked amongst those they have romantic interest in, it seems like parental approval trumps all.  i cannot count how many times i have had a crying child in my office over having a 3.96 gpa (when it could be a 4.3), upset about their dress size being a 6 (when it could be a 2), getting eight college acceptance letters (when it could be 11), and the list goes on.  when i ask these girls where this pressure stems from or who they are trying to impress, more often than not, the answer is their parents.  not only do they become obsessed with pleasing their parents but they become obsessed with pleasing others in an effort to get that validation they are not getting at home.  this often leads to being hellbent on sheer perfection (which isn’t attainable in the first place).

 

over the weekend, i went out on a first date.  while the guy i went out with was definitely a gentleman with a kind spirit, i noticed how quickly he would change his views if it was evident that my viewpoint was different.  what is interesting is that i would happily date someone with different views as long as they understood and respected my views.  i know it is possible to have a different viewpoint but still understand and even empathize with your partner.  i don’t want to be with someone i can walk all over.  not only is that not fun for me but i do not want to be contributing to silencing someone, even if that isn’t my intention.

 

not even 24 hours later, i came across this quote and thought it hit the nail on the head.

 

 

“people pleasers often start off as parent pleasers.” -alexandra d’amour

 

i am hoping that my work with my teen clients can aid in their discovery of not feeling the need to please their parents in order to feel accepted or loved fully.  i don’t want them to turn into people pleasers who completely disregard their own wants, needs or feelings.  it also made me wonder if the guy from my date started off as a parent pleaser and then later morphed into a people pleaser.

 

what has your experience been with people pleasers whether it be someone you know or even if it is you?  if it is you, did you start off as a parent pleaser?

 

xoxo,

k. tap

 

september has been quite the emotional rollercoaster for me.  whether it was dealing with incredibly traumatic cases at work, having some great up and coming projects for this blog, tackling my own shit with a new therapist or trying to navigate my love life with both old and new flames, it has been quite the ride.

 

i cannot even count how many times i have picked up the phone to dial my grandmother’s phone number, got excited over seeing a car that looked like the one she used to drive or thought about shooting her a quick text to just bounce an idea off of her (because there was no one more sharp or quick-witted than she).  i am sure one could imagine both my disbelief and heartache when i realized that none of the aforementioned were options because she is no longer here.  then, i saw this quote and it perfectly captured how i was feeling:

 

 

“grief – the irony of grief is that the person you need to talk to about how you feel is the person that is no longer here”

 

it has been over two years since grammy passed and some days are easier than others to navigate but there is not a day that goes by that i don’t think about her or wish she was here to just catch up with.

 

are there other parts of grief that you have found to be ironic?

 

cheers to this being the last day of september.  god knows i need a new month.

 

xoxo,

k. tap

in counseling at an all girls high school, i am constantly working with my clients on a few major themes:

1. letting go of the idea of perfection
2. reminding each them that their biggest competition is who they were yesterday
3. reiterating that they are great as they are, yet that doesn’t mean that there isn’t some room for growth

 

with that being said, when i kept seeing this quote being reposted over and over again on instagram, i had to pause.  it resonated with me on so many levels – as a person, a woman and a counselor.

 

 

“you are allowed to be both a masterpiece and a work in progress, simultaneously.” -sophia bush

 

growing up, i always loved pasadena.  one of the pasadena traditions is the rose parade and sophia bush is the first rose queen i truly remember.  i just recall her seeming down to earth and loving her raspy voice.  fast forward a few years and i was going to high school in the pasadena area when one tree hill premiered – i was obsessed with the show and realized i recognized one of the main characters, sophia bush.  i watched every episode of one tree hill, even when went away to college.  something i appreciated was who sophia bush was off camera – there was something so genuine about her.  she seemed to be unapologetic about her evolution.  so, when i came across this quote not once, not twice, but at least five times in the last week, it came as no surprise that she was the woman responsible for it.

 

it is incredibly simple but incredibly important to acknowledge that it is totally possible to be both – if anything, being a masterpiece and a work in progress at the same time shows that while a person can be brilliant, that same person can be both open and excited to continue to grow/learn.  this isn’t only a mindset i am happy to adopt, it is one that each of my clients can greatly benefit from.

 

did you know you could be a masterpiece and a work in progress at the same damn time?

 

xoxo,

k. tap

a huge part of my growth this year has been centered around vulnerability. while i had already acknowledged that vulnerability can make me feel raw and exposed (but somehow is still totally worth it), what i had not been able to pinpoint is where the high level of discomfort stemmed from.

it was about trust. there had been times i got burned by people i thought i knew/trusted. then, i reached this point where i didn’t only have an issue trusting others. i had an issue trusting myself – an issue trusting my judgment.

i came across this quote on the instagram page of one of my childhood friends and i could not get it out of my head.

“i trust the next chapter, because i know the author.” -toby mac

my eyes filled with tears.

shockingly, the tears weren’t due to sadness or frustration. they were tears of gratitude for how far i’ve come. i am so proud of myself for getting to a place where i truly trust and value all that i bring to the table. i know myself better than i ever have before and that enables me to not only trust the next chapter, but be excited about the next chapter.

what would it look like to trust yourself fully?

xoxo,

k. tap