happy friday, lovelies!  any fun plans for the holiday weekend?  even though i have multiple work commitments this weekend, including graduation, i am happy to be hosting my dear friend, alan, this weekend.  we will definitely be sprinkling some fun in between these work events.

 

i was really struggling between two thoughts of the week and when reading them both aloud to alan, the one below was his fave so you all can thank him for that.

 

in my work with my clients, in conversations with friends and working through issues within my own family, there is this common theme of trying to force people to change who they are.  and as much as we may all want that, that is not a realistic approach.  it also is not a fair approach.  it is not realistic to expect someone to change who they are if that is not something that they themselves are not interested in.  it also is not fair to ask someone to compromise part of their being for you.  wouldn’t it be more beneficial to either adjust our own expectations or adjust our dealings with the person?

 

this quote really highlights the adjustments that maybe we are avoiding:

 

 

“stop forcing change on people and change how you deal with them…”

 

as opposed to expecting someone to change and being disappointed when the change does not occur, i think the responsibility and accountability should be shifted.  it is on us to decide whether or not we are going to deal with someone in the same capacity as before if there are fundamental issues either with them or with the relationship as a whole.  it is easier to choose to move them into a different category in our lives and/or reduce their significance than it is to force them to change if that is not something that interests them.

 

i thought about how much time i wasted in my early 20s trying to change people when i should’ve been channeling that energy into bettering myself and into people who already gelled with who i was/am as a person.

 

change is really on me, not on them.

 

are you someone that forces change onto others or do you change how you deal with others?

 

xoxo,

k.tap

photo cred:  samuel david photography

 

when i think about what it took to get me from my days spent at preschool in compton to where i am sitting now with two degrees from santa clara university, the first song that comes to mind is “started from the bottom” by drake.  and it is not just the song, it is the energy in the music video and the acknowledgement of it not always being all bright and shiny, but now there are far more days like that due to the work that was put in.

 

between working at a high school and being someone that is active on social media, i am surrounded by posts about graduation.  in my wrap up meetings with some of my seniors, i was asked what i would tell 17 year old me.  i was also asked about what i would have done differently whether it be in undergrad or grad school.  while there is not a ton i would change about undergrad, there are definitely some things about my time spent in grad school that i would modify.

 

photo cred:  samuel david photography

 

i would tell 17 year old me that undergrad is a stepping stone and not the end all be all.  there is no need to be perfect because that is a made up concept that will lead to feeling disappointed when i should be excited about meeting amazing people who will become my family, have research opportunities typically reserved for phd students and the real need to hustle will come into play during grad school.  i would remind myself to stop and smell the roses – both literally and figuratively as they are scattered all over santa clara’s gorgeous campus.  undergrad really time full of growth and change – and if you take the time to embrace it, it can be magical.

 

photo cred:  samuel david photography

 

even though the shot above is not only dope af but truly a joy filled moment worth celebrating (since i was just days away from walking across stage to accept my master’s degree), it really does not capture how my four years of grad school went.  did i meet phenomenal humans who are actively changing the world we live in? yes.  did i take classes that forced me to step outside of my comfort zone, do a great deal of reflection and reassess all of my relationships whether it be with family, friends or a partner?  yes. did i get to start using the skills learned inside of the classroom with actual clients?  yes.

 

while all of those things were important to me in regards to what i wanted to accomplish in a grad program, i do not feel like i was adequately warned or prepared for the minimal time i would have for myself since i chose to essentially work full time while going to grad school.  i made that choice because i was set on having less than $100,000 of debt between undergrad and grad school.  this meant that i needed to work tons of hours to be able to keep costs lower for grad school.  i did something many would call unconventional but at the time, i felt it necessary.  i worked three jobs for the bulk of grad school and four jobs in the final year.  that final year almost broke me and it is not like i was rested going into the most intense year of it all.  it was not just intense because a fourth job was added but because the fourth job would be me seeing clients for the first time ever – definitely not something i should be exhausted going into.

 

recently, i heard an audio clip from steve harvey’s show in which he stated:

“success is not a comfortable procedure.  it is a very uncomfortable thing to attempt.  you gotta get comfortable being uncomfortable if you wanna be successful.”

now, i am not the biggest steve harvey fan but i agreed with all of the aforementioned.  i should have just stuck with my gut because what he followed it up with goes against so much of what i know to be true:

“rich people don’t sleep eight hours a day. that’s a third of your life.  there ain’t but 24 hours in a day.  you cannot be sleep eight hours a day.”

 

now listen.  if i could go back, i would work less and have a bit more debt to pay off.  not only would it be more fair to me but it would have been more fair to all of the clients i worked with.  in retrospect, they were getting maybe 80% of what they should have been from me because that is all i had to give.  i also realized that i did a number on my body during that year.  that sleep deprivation played a role in so many things, including weight gain, higher blood pressure and anxiety.  even if i was not eating like trash, i was not eating the proper portions and i definitely was eating at all hours of the day and night since i was awake and would be hungry.  in the long run, my health is of the utmost importance, especially if i want to be around for a long time.  during that final year of grad school, i would average 3-5 hours of sleep per night.  if i was lucky/on a saturday night, i would get 5-7 hours.  i now know that 7 is my magic number when  it comes to hours of sleep per night.  with 7 hours, i am energetic without caffeine, am in a good mood and do not need a nap.  i try my best now to get as close to that as possible both for me and the clients i work with daily.  it has made a substantial difference.

 

i believe that success is more about time management and prioritization than people realize – that also includes self-prioritization and that is not something i will apologize for anymore.  if i am not taking care of me, i cannot aid in teaching people how to take care of themselves.

 

i now realize that it is not just about getting to the top but being able to stay there and enjoy it.  that is only possible if i am taking care of myself.

 

with graduation around the corner, what advice would you give yourself?

 

xoxo,

k, tap

while i have been in spain, i have had several conversations about the importance of surrounding myself with good people.  and not people just people who treat others well but people who truly make me think and reflect on the life i am living.  i do not want to be the smartest person in the room because i want to be able to constantly continue learning.  i think of myself as a forever student.

 

i may have met jude while i was a senior during her freshman year at santa clara university but now, the age gap seems to be insignificant.  jude founded an amazing company, in her shoes, that encourages people, especially young women, to lead more courageous lives.  i have seen jude grow leaps and bounds year after year and am constantly in awe of how inspiring she is to so many people around her (of all ages), especially me.

 

last week, she posted this captivating shot (because she is a bombshell in addition to being absolutely brilliant) with an even more captivating quote.  the full quote was:

“get honest with people about who you are, what you want, and how you expect to be treated.  don’t be afraid of the solitude that raising your standards can bring.  standards only scare off people not meant for you.

become unshakable in the belief that you are worthy of a big life.”

 

here is the part i could not shake:

 

 

 

“don’t be afraid of the solitude that raising your standards can bring.”

 

i paused.

 

i thought of things that i allowed in my teens, early 20s, and even mid 20s that i no longer tolerate.  when i asked myself why i let certain situations play out the way they did or why i allowed people to mistreat or take advantage of me, it was hard to pinpoint why.  in reading this quote from jude, it became clear that it was about more than simply wanting to be loyal, i think it was a fear around who would be left if i did hold people to a higher standard.  what is crazy is i really just wanted to hold them to the same standards i held myself to.  i think it was around my 27th birthday that i started doing more of that.  and with every single day that passes, it gets easier and easier to stay true to those standards.

 

i no longer feel guilt about expecting more because with what i am bringing to the table, i know i deserve more.

 

i no longer am afraid of the solitude that comes along with raising my standards because in raising them, i have been rewarded with the most fierce inner circle in existence.

 

there is something so freeing about that same solitude i used to fear.

 

are you afraid to raise your standards?  is it because of solitude or because of something else entirely?  i would love to hear about it.

 

xoxo,

k.tap

 

 

 

even though i am blogging from barcelona and it is after midnight here, in the states, it is the middle of the day on may 7th.  today marks two years since the death of my grandmother, or grammy as i called her.

 

something i have heard time and time again about grief is that it gets better with time.  i do not know how accurate of a statement that is.  i called this post “the terrible twos” because while the year mark was sad, in a lot of ways, i think i was still in a state of shock.  as a result, my feelings in relation to grief were foggy at best. before i started this blog, i did a post on instagram at the year mark.  you can read that post here:

 

 

i am in a much clearer headspace at this two year mark and i am feeling things much more deeply.  i am still trying to determine if that is a good or bad thing. perhaps i will report more on that during my next instagram live.

 

in an effort to not be a blubbering mess is barcelona, i wanted to share a few life lessons grammy taught me early on that i carry with me every single day – both as a therapist and in each of my personal relationships.

 

first, do not just tell the people you love most that you love them – show them.  show them in a way where they will never question how strong your love is.

*grammy with my godson (her only great grandchild in january of 2014 at my brother’s going away party)

 

second, tiny humans deserve to be heard, too.  i can not recall a moment where i felt anything aside from heard and understood by my grandmother.

*grammy and me – she is letting place my little african headpiece from my school play on her head (early 90s – i’d guess ’93 or ’94)

 

third, always say ‘yes’ to adventure.  not only did she go on countless trips with my papa, she prioritized travel with the rest of her family (me included) and her girlfriends as well. i feel like i am doing her proud by being in spain for the first time for a great friend’s wedding.

*grammy and papa – based on wardrobe, i would guess sometime in the early 80s

 

lastly, grammy taught me the importance of building an inner circle of amazing individuals.  when i look at my grammy’s best friends, all of them bring something unique to the table.  now, the things that all of them have in common are: unyielding loyalty, fearlessness around calling one another out when need be and the ability to share a good laugh no matter the circumstances.

*grammy and auntie miki (her name is wanda but somehow in my youth, i started calling her this and it just stuck) in the late 70s

 

in looking at the last photo, i would also like to take a moment to thank grammy for my high cheekbones.  i miss her smile, her laugh and her advice.

 

what life lessons have you learned from your grandmother or another loved on who has passed?

 

xoxo,

k. tap

 

i have had a multiple conversations this week that center around this idea of new doors opening.

 

a close friend of mine from undergrad hit me up this week to talk about scheduling a trip to la since we are overdue for some quality time.  we ended up doing a mini recap and he is absolutely killing it at work.  now, he has been at this company for over six years and has been absolutely vital to the company’s growth.  however, in the last several months, there has been this surge of badassery.  when discussing what shifted during that time, the most significant thing was ending a toxic relationship with his girlfriend.  the second that piece was removed, everything else began to fall into place.

 

now, shifting over to me.  due to a work conflict my friend has, i will now be doing the first leg of my spain trip solo.  while initially, i was a bit overwhelmed, i also realized that solo international travel is not something i have done before.  if not now, then when?  i also thought about how much great content i would have for upcoming blog posts, both about spain as a whole and my time spent reflecting.

 

both scenarios brought me back to this quote i stumbled across on pinterest:

 

 

“old ways won’t open new doors.”

 

for my friend who is now excelling at work, it had become a pattern to be in relationships that aren’t always the healthiest.  it had also become a pattern to get lost in said relationships.  there was this guilt about focusing on anything that was not his partner – this included work.  within one month of that relationship ending, i noticed a distinct difference in how he approached work and his relationships with his coworkers. in his line of work, connectivity with coworkers is crucial.  had he been doing things the same way he always had, these new doors would not have opened.

 

for myself, i think it is in my nature to like to stick to whatever the initial plan is.  often times, when that plan has shifted, i am less inclined to execute plan b.  now, i realized that the shift was out of both me and my friend’s control.  i also realized that if i am constantly asking clients, friends and family to step outside of their comfort zones, i need to be able to do the same.  otherwise, i run the risk of becoming stagnant.  i want to be sure countless doors are open for me.  i think this is a good step in that direction.

 

what old ways do you need to let go in order to open new doors?

 

xoxo,

k.tap