between the laughter and tears of joy at my 33rd birthday celebration, i took a moment to speak to my family + friends who were present to express my deep sense of gratitude. without question, my love languages are quality time and acts of service. walking into a room full of people i love with my entire heart nearly knocked the wind out of me. once i gathered myself, i spoke about how each person was present for a reason, one being the reciprocity between us. sometimes, i think it is easy to take reciprocal relationships for granted. i certainly don’t at this stage in my life. it was beautiful to witness my people simply showing up for me.
“i love when someone shows up for you in the same way you do for them…that’s rare.”
in seeing this quote, i am fortunate that many people come to mind. someone who consistently knocks it out of the park is jaclyn. we’ve known each other for 15 years this fall. from living in the same dorm to working in psych research labs to being roommates after college to working together in residence life while in the same grad school program to being present for every major life event (graduations, weddings, big moves, funerals, birth of children, etc.) and now, both being therapists – jaclyn has ALWAYS had both the ability and the willingness to meet me exactly where i am. the added bonus of being in jaclyn’s life? being welcomed into her family as if they were my very own. we have grown closer even while our lives have been more full than what we knew we could each handle. somehow, we manage to fill one another’s cups. it is rare and i am grateful beyond belief.
jaclyn + i at her wedding in july ‘16
happy birthday, jaclyn. thank you for modeling that it is in fact possible to have it all – family, friends, health and wellness, an amazing private practice and so much more. i admire and love you more than i could ever describe. cheers to 33.
i hope summer has been treating each of you well. it is unfathomable that we are in mid august. if you are in california like me, you are likely ready for fall weather because this humidity has been total bullshit.
anyway, i have really missed blogging on a weekly basis. i was chatting with my twin a couple of months ago about how it didn’t feel right to allocate time each week to post when i had as much going on in my life both personally and professionally. in june, i told her that i had a feeling august would be the most stable month of my year thus far and fortunately, that was spot on. it only seemed right to start with a thought of the week.
i consider myself to be rich in my relationships. my grandfather often says that i have this “special something” passed along from my grammy to my mom and uncle and now, to me. the four of us tend to form genuine connections with people no matter the environment – we could be at work, school, the grocery store, a music festival, you name it. over the years, i have been fortunate enough to pick up members of what i’d call my “chosen family” along the way. some i have been fortunate enough to have since i was a baby (like my godsister) and others, i have connected with in the last year (like my colleague turned friend, wilson) since being back at scu. while longevity in relationships is something i deeply appreciate, especially because there are certain things a person is able to have a deeper understanding of because of watching you live/work through a particular experience, the older i’ve gotten, the more i’ve realized how frequently we will give certain behaviors a pass due to longevity while discounting other relationships due to brevity.
there are people who have only been in my life for a handful of years who i truly have reciprocal relationships with – that is more than i can say for some whom i share a bloodline with. i am now in a space where i am hyper aware of the way a relationship adds, or in some cases, subtracts from my life. i am asking myself what was learned? am i better for having the relationship? does the relationship have balance? is the relationship authentic? these questions have truly helped me determine what and who is worth pouring into. this quote summed it up perfectly:
“i have stopped measuring the success of any relationship based on its longevity. instead, i look at its impact. the way the relationship has shaped, changed, inspired, or wounded me speaks to what the relationship really was.” -sara kuburic
what have you been measuring – the longevity or the impact?
historically, i have been pretty fortunate to have amazing supervisors at my places of employment. this year is no different. working with her has helped me grow both as a person and a clinician.
when i am facilitating therapy groups, typically i start with “rose, bud, thorn” – a rose is a high point of the week, a bud is something they are looking forward to in the upcoming week and a thorn is something that was unpleasant during that week. while this is still a great way to start therapy, something my supervisor has us do during every check in is a “high, low, did well” – high and low are comparable to rose and thorn however a “did well” is something you accomplished/are feeling proud of. this got me thinking…
how often do we stop to give ourselves credit for our accomplishments?
if i’m being honest – i don’t do this often enough in my own life. do my clients acknowledge their own accomplishments outside of sessions with me? have we been taught that this is arrogant instead of being affirmative? when i came across this quote, it nearly leaped off the page.
“it is okay to be proud of yourself & your accomplishments. it’s okay to smile when you look at what you’ve achieved. your hard work should be celebrated. you’ve earned this.” #fleurdelisspeaks
in march, i am proud of being consistent with personal training, seeing many of my clients become stronger versions of themselves, prioritizing sleep and being more intentional with communicating regularly with my dad.
what are you proud of from the last month? how are you celebrating?
it is hard to know where to begin. so maybe we start with a photo of the finished product?
photo evidence of what it looks like when i relinquish control and let my friends show up for me – theo, i adore you.
thirty fucking three. saying 33 out loud as my age and not just pippen’s number (felecia and i just finished rewatching the last dance docuseries a couple of weeks ago) is wild. however, after how touch and go 31 was for me, i promised myself i wouldn’t just celebrate milestone birthdays. each year is worth celebrating. each day is truly a gift. theo knows this is my mindset. that’s part of why he called me out in january. well, it is more like he called me in.
theo knows i am a planner by nature. neither of us could remember the last birthday i celebrated without looping in the appropriate parties with less than 90 days notice. so imagine theo’s surprise when it was sunday, january 15th, and he had not received an invitation to anything. february 13th was just around the corner. instead of beating me up, he asked me about each area of my life. we talked about it all – family, friends, work, wellness, love life, etc. what we realized is that each area of my life seemed off balance – so much so that with the free moments i did have, i simply did not have the capacity to plan my birthday, track rsvps and show up enthusiastically. theo got quiet and said he had something to ask me. his next words were:
“kristin. i am going to propose an idea. your natural response/gut reaction will be to say no but i urge you to ‘say yes’ anyway.” i waited to what seemed like an eternity and then he said, “i want you to let me plan and host your birthday this year.”
y’all. i was FLOORED. you know the last time someone else planned a full fledged birthday party for me was? 1999. i was turning nine and mark + felecia rented out skate depot for me and all of my little fourth grade friends. every year since then, i have taken lead on this. i’ve had some great celebrations whether i kept it local in la, turned up in vegas, went wine tasting or a boozy brunch, the thing that each year had in common was spending time with people i love. even though i nearly had a stroke at the thought of letting someone else plan my birthday, i asked myself what i would tell my clients and i knew the answer: let the people who love you show up for you – there is power in relinquishing control.
i did exactly that. the rest? well, it was magic.
my mom, misu and i showed up to one of my favorite restaurants in the bay – meso mediterranean. when i arrived, not only was our private room beautifully decorated, so many people i loved from different chapters of my life were all in one space. there was no longer a need to wonder what someone they had heard many stories about was like in the flesh because they got to soak up that energy in real time.
friendships with start dates ranging from 2008 to 2016 and the thing they all have in common? being beautiful badasses.
with each table i approached, my heart bursted all over again. the love in the room was equal parts overwhelming and intoxicating.
you know when you meet someone and they instantly feel like family? that’s how it was with these two.
realizing that people had traveled up from la and down from sf/oakland/sacramento was so heartwarming.
when your old coworkers function more like sisters
theo had arranged a slideshow. it was amazing to see photos dating back from 2007 and was truly a testament to how we’ve watched each other grow up. we looked like babies because we were! being back at scu where it all began was such a full circle moment. being able to celebrate with people i met at scu whether it be in undergrad or in grad school while in reslife was incredible.
the og scu reslife crew – i married the two on the right this past fall!
seeing old and new friends laugh, toast with my mom and entertain misu while i was with each guest was the best.
my mom and many of my friends who are like her adopted children/nieces/nephews
and just when i thought i couldn’t be more grateful, theo directed our attention to the screen below. there was video after video of loved ones who couldn’t be there to celebrate but were there in spirit. many of the messages moved me to tears. oftentimes, people don’t get their flowers while they can still smell them. i was fortunate enough to get plenty (both literally and figuratively) this past weekend.
theo and evan are also the most attractive couple in the world. don’t @ me.
evan (theo’s partner) not only helped theo host but took photos of me with each of my guests and gifted me the most thoughtful card and gorgeous bouquet with sunflowers. they are on my nightstand as we speak.
while i was hesitant to be vulnerable and relinquish control, i am so glad i did. there are not enough words in the english language to thank you, theo. just know i love you so much and appreciate you yesterday, today and always.
i’d kiss you a thousand times over if i could
the icing on the cake? the party not ending until nearly 11pm and being able to laugh like this with my grad school bestie.
therapists can have fun, too!
misu being in bottle service was a life goal. it has now been fulfilled!
misu as security misu soaking up the club vibes
kicking off 33 has highlighted the importance of practicing what i preach, remembering to pour into people who pour into me and always being grateful.
happy birthday kristin!
it truly was a happy birthday. i am looking forward to my 33rd trip around the sun.
february is my favorite month for many reasons. the first day of the month is misu’s birthday. i love winter. i have a deep appreciation for black history month. celebrating love is something i do regularly but valentine’s day gives me even more of a reason to do so. the three day weekend due to presidents’ day is never something i complain about. many of my favorite humans are born during the month of february, including anj (aka my twin), who is blogging alongside me at this very moment (you can check out her amazing blog here). lastly (but certainly not least), it is my birthday month.
i tend to get pretty reflective around my birthday and set intentions for the year that lies ahead. something that has continued to show up in sessions with my clients as of late is people choosing to measure their success based on how they are doing in comparison to others versus simply measuring whether they have grown in the last week/month/year. i took a step back to ask myself – is this an area of growth for me as well or is it something i’ve already mastered? what i determined was this: in my professional life, i do an exceptional job of only comparing me to me. i make a conscientious effort to continue learning new tools to share with my clients, i am unafraid of admitting when i do not know something and figure out the appropriate resources to circle back with and i can see distinct differences in the therapy i did back in 2016 as opposed to now. when it comes to my personal life, there is room for improvement. i think for many people my age, especially women, it is easy to look around at those closest to you and wonder if you are doing something wrong if your lives don’t look similar. this is especially true when it comes to marriage and children. while i think because of the way my analytical brain is set up, a little comparison may be present to some degree, the shift i noticed once approaching 30 was admiring those closest to me who had achieved something i hadn’t yet.
this quote seemed to hit the nail on the head.
“inspiration is infinitely better than comparison. let brilliant people motivate, not intimidate you.”
i am surrounded by a group of extraordinary humans. and rather than let jaclyn’s success in private practice as a licensed marriage and family therapist, melissa owning + remodeling her own home or anj’s domination of being a stay at home mom to a bright eyed little boy intimidate me, i find myself constantly being in awe. instead of being amazed silently, i often will inquire about the inner workings of how these exceptional humans are thriving in their lives. i have been encouraging my clients to do the same. inspiration is absolutely better than comparison.
do you find that you compare yourself to others or are you able to be inspired by the success others around you have?
keep up with k.tap 