i have talked to you all before about how some of my habits in grad school were not the healthiest in terms of juggling a million different things and the overall toll that took on me.  i have also talked about how it is important to get rid of the ideology that wearing a game face is always necessary.

with that being said, i am no longer juggling as many things as i was a couple of years ago but i am still juggling quite a bit.  some of the things are ones that are more visible like my career as a counselor, operating this blog and of course, extensive traveling.  others are not as visible such as complex relationships with family members, still learning how to manage the grief around my grandmother, maintaining a plethora of long distance relationships, trying to navigate being a black woman in the world we currently live in and many other things i won’t dive into both for the sake of privacy and time.  look, sometimes just saying all of it out loud can be exhausting.

something i have been told time and time again by family, friends, coworkers, mentors, clients and even strangers is how i make this balancing act look easy.  while i think it is being said as a compliment, part of it almost diminishes the struggle i am often enduring.  i also think there is something to be said about all of the things i am juggling not necessarily being visible to the naked eye – it almost makes it harder to measure or grasp.

today, my friend julian posted this on his instagram story and it did not only make me think of myself, it made me think of many friends and clients i have that may make balancing look easy, even if it is silently breaking them down.

“just because i carry it all so well doesn’t mean it’s not heavy.”

this quote is multidimensional.  yes, i do carry things well, at least from the outside looking in, no matter the weight.  and yes, what i am carrying is rarely easy or light.

but here’s the thing, i have been working on sharing a bit more with loved ones about what it is that i am carrying, especially the things they cannot see.  i have found that that has been helpful in them understanding my day to day struggle along with there being a higher chance of them not adding more to my shoulders if they are aware that i am already at capacity.  it made me wonder if part of the issue at hand was me wanting to appear like i had it all together.

are you carrying more than what is feasible right now?  could your load be lightened if you shared what you were carrying with your loved ones?

i would love to hear about it.

xoxo,

k. tap

it was not until two hours ago that i realized it was saturday and not sunday.  some years ago, i probably would not have been happy about being on my couch on a saturday night.  at 29, i am elated to have an evening to myself.

with me living in la, there is always something to get into on a saturday night.  some people talk about “fomo” also known as “fear of missing out.”  on the weekends, people scroll through instagram and might be a little down because they are not partaking in the fun they see on their timeline.  that is not a feeling i have had in quite some time.

i saw this some months back and laughed out loud because it could have been written by me for me.

“jomo (noun).  joy of missing out.  feeling content with staying in and disconnecting as a form of self-care.  antonym: fomo.”

are you more of a jomo or fomo person?  maybe you are a bit of a both?  i would love to hear about it below.

xoxo,

k. tap

an ongoing theme for me as i entered this year has been increasing my vulnerability – with friends, with family, with strangers (through this blog), with potential partners and most importantly, with myself.  i often hear people talk about vulnerability with others but i rarely hear it talked about in terms of how we are with ourselves.  the art of being vulnerable is about being open and more sensitive, thus being more susceptible to both criticism and hurt.  maybe that is why we tend to avoid vulnerability, even with ourselves.  what i realized is that if i can start with being more open with myself and more sensitive towards myself, it would be easier for me to do with others.

whether it is due to upbringing, my zodiac sign or something else that i have not even considered, there was a time in my life where i was hesitant about being vulnerable, especially when it came to love.  at the end of last year, i was a bit more closed off than i would have liked to admit.  i ended up coming across this quote on my friend roxy’s page and it made me pause.

“if you suppress expressions of love in fear of being perceived as vulnerable, you’re more in love with your ego than the people you claim to love.”

this shit is layered.

the first thing is why did i (for myself only) view vulnerability as weakness?  so much so that i was avoiding it at all costs with some of the people i am closest to?  i had to work on reframing that – i have done work on reframing this idea over the last several months and let me tell you something: vulnerability is both exhausting and liberating.

the second thing i had to address is if i had this ego that was mentioned.  i had never considered myself to be egotistical but something i had not fully copped to is how i was letting pride get in the way of love.  i was more concerned with what the potential reactions to my vulnerability could be.  it was all so raw and out of my control.  those exact risks are part of what makes it so beautiful.

even now, i am not a person lacking pride – i have just learned to scale that back to create more room for vulnerability.  in creating more room for vulnerability, i have created more room for love.

have you ever suppressed expressions of love?  if so, what did that look like for you?

xoxo,

k. tap