Category: head + heart

thought of the week: struggling with your mental health is not indicative of weakness…

with the election taking place yesterday and many of us still waiting on pins and needles for the results, i have been hyper aware of mental and emotional health. that awareness extends to my friends/family, clients, myself and millions of people that i don’t even know.

last week, when i was scheduling my clients for the week we are currently in, i purposefully scheduled zero for today. yes, that meant i would need to have even busier days on monday, tuesday, thursday and friday, but guess what? i knew that i would not be in a mental or emotional headspace to serve my clients today. the day post election day would be dedicated to client notes, emails, treatment plans and figuring out how to be present for myself in order to be able to be present for each client later this week (and in the weeks moving forward).

a couple of years ago, i would not have shared this plan. it is likely that i would not have even carved out this time for myself. what i know for certain is whether i structured today like this or not, i would have punished myself for even struggling with mental health. this quote served as the perfect reminder that i not only made the right decision, but that any day i choose to acknowledge and then prioritize my mental health, is a day where i’ve made the correct choice.

“struggling with your mental health is not indicative weakness. some of the strongest people are the ones silently winning battles each and every day.”

this week, my battles included an election day that was much closer than i would’ve hoped (which simply reiterated how little the lives of blacks, women, lgbtq people, immigrants and many other marginalized groups are valued) and the death of a close family friend. if i was unaffected by that, i would wonder if i still had a pulse.

what battles have you silently won recently?

xoxo,

k. tap

meet mr. misu

growing up, i always had a dog. i truly believe that they make houses homes. i had promised myself that once i moved back to la after grad school, i would get a pup for my first place.

once i moved to south pasadena at the end of 2017, it was clear that i was still working through a ton of unresolved grief after the loss of my grandmother. i used a lot of 2018 to unpack that. in 2019, while i was emotionally read to get a dog, i was traveling somewhere at least two weekends a month. from mexico to coachella to chicago to spain to nyc, it was a whirlwind. 2020 seemed like it could be the year.

while the first half had some bigger events like my 30th birthday in vegas and traveling for work, the second half would be lighter. i had no idea how light until we were in the middle of this pandemic. so in may, i started my search for a dog. i had a few prerequisites. the dog needed to be smaller (since i am in an apartment), hypoallergenic, under the age of five and no major medical conditions.

you have no idea how hard it was to find a dog that checked off all of these boxes. i had told myself that if i couldn’t find what i was looking for via adoption, at the start of the new year, i would go through a breeder. everything changed just over two weeks ago.

my cousin (courtney) posted about her pastor looking to get rid of their dog. when i asked about the breed and age, she said under a year and a maltipoo. i was floored. this already checked off two of my boxes. i figured there had to be a catch. so i reached out to the pastor and within 24 hours, we had arranged for me to pick up my pup on the following tuesday. here is a shot from our first moments together after he officially became mine.

not only was he completely healthy but they wouldn’t even let me pay them because they were just happy to see him go to a home where the owner would have time for him. while his name was originally nino, that didn’t fit him to me. as soon as i saw a photo of him, i thought tiramisu was more fitting. however, that’s a mouthful so i have been calling him misu for short.

we’ve been together for just under two weeks and it is already hard to imagine my life without him. he is gentle, loving, physical touch is definitely his primary love language, he waits to be sure i am awake before making noise and has thoroughly enjoyed meeting my clients both virtually and in person.

i recently got him groomed and he almost looks like a different dog but that sweet disposition didn’t shift a bit.

i am totally in love and can’t wait to create more memories with misu.

xoxo,

k.tap

closer.

last night’s post was all about filling your cup. while we all might have our own approaches to doing so, one of the most significant pieces in my own journey has been being sure i am surrounding myself with the right people.

road tripping to las vegas with this beauty a couple of weeks ago was everything i needed and then some. and while i loved the poolside passion fruit margaritas, dance parties in our suite, 4am deliveries from room service and bubble baths in the sunken tub, the most meaningful part of the trip was the drive home.

psychology today published an article some years back with 36 questions to bring you closer together. this could be done with a friend, family member or partner. some of my favorites were:

1. what would constitute a perfect day for you?

2. if you could change anything about the way you were raised, what would it be?

3. what do you value most in a friendship?

4. when did you last cry in front of another person? by yourself?

5. if you were to die this evening with no opportunity to communicate with anyone, what would you most regret not having told someone? why haven’t you told them yet?

for the full list, look no further…

here they are, in order:

1. given the choice of anyone in the world, who would you want as a dinner guest?

2. would you like to be famous? in what way?

3. before making a phone call, do you ever rehearse what you’re going to say? why?

4. what would constitute a perfect day for you?

5. when did you last sing to yourself? to someone else?

6. if you were able to live to the age of 90 and retain either the mind or body of a 30-year old for the last 60 years of your life, which would you choose?

7. do you have a secret hunch about how you will die?

8. name three things you and your partner appear to have in common.

9. for what in your life do you feel most grateful?

10. if you could change anything about the way you were raised, what would it be?

11. take four minutes and tell your partner your life story in as much detail as possible.

12. if you could wake up tomorrow having gained one quality or ability, what would it be?

13. if a crystal ball could tell you the truth about yourself, your life, the future or anything else, what would you want to know?

14. is there something that you’ve dreamt of doing for a long time? why haven’t you done it?

15. what is the greatest accomplishment of your life?

16. what do you value most in a friendship?

17. what is your most treasured memory?

18. what is your most terrible memory?

19. if you knew that in one year you would die suddenly, would you change anything about the way you are now living? why?

20. what does friendship mean to you?

21. what roles do love and affection play in your life?

22. alternate sharing something you consider a positive characteristic of your partner. share a total of five items.

23. how close and warm is your family? do you feel your childhood was happier than most other people’s?

24. how do you feel about your relationship with your mother?

25. make three true “we” statements each. for instance, “we are both in this room feeling…”

26. complete this sentence “i wish i had someone with whom i could share…”

27. if you were going to become a close friend with your partner, please share what would be important for him or her to know.

28. tell your partner what you like about them. Be honest this time, saying things that you might not say to someone you’ve just met.

29. share with your partner an embarrassing moment in your life.

30. when did you last cry in front of another person? by yourself?

31. tell your partner something that you like about them already.

32. what, if anything, is too serious to be joked about?

33. if you were to die this evening with no opportunity to communicate with anyone, what would you most regret not having told someone? why haven’t you told them yet?

34. your house, containing everything you own, catches fire. after saving your loved ones and pets, you have time to safely make a final dash to save any one item. what would it be? why?

35. of all the people in your family, whose death would you find most disturbing? why?

36. share a personal problem and ask your partner’s advice on how he or she might handle it. also, ask your partner to reflect back to you how you seem to be feeling about the problem you have chosen.

if you try these with a loved one, let me know how it goes. i am curious to know what your favorites are.

and to britt, even after all of these years of learning and growing, it was truly a pleasure getting to know you even better. cheers to 13 years of friendship, vulnerability and being unapologetically us. i love you.

xoxo,

k. tap

thought of the week: i am most effective when my cup is full

a few weeks ago, i did something i have never done in the double digit number of years i have been in the work force. i asked our executive admin how many vacation days i had in total; both what i carried over from last year and from this year. the number took me by surprise. while i definitely believe in being prepared for an emergency and saving some for rainy day, my gut reaction surprised me. i briskly walked back to my office, opened my planner and started creating extended weekends for myself. and this was not because i had travel plans or events to attend, it was simply because i could sense that it is both what i needed and what i deserved.

this quote from faith broussard cade says it all (and then some):

“i do not have to work myself to the point of a BREAKDOWN to prove that i am dedicated to my dreams. i am most effective when my cup is FULL.” #fleurdelisspeaks

i love working in mental health. it brings me an insane amount of joy. even still, in order for me to show up for my clients, i have to show up for me, too. i am more effective when i carve out that time for me.

when is the last time you took a day off just because?

xoxo,

k. tap

thought of the week: 1/24

i have been having more conversations than i could ever count about how to avoid burnout at work while in a pandemic, especially for those working in mental health and/or education. i happen to be in both as a counselor at a high school. that being said, there is this duality – i am incredibly grateful to be employed doing something i love but am increasingly aware of my own exhaustion as there was no point in grad school where we covered being a therapist amidst a pandemic. there has been lots of learning and evolving along the way.

quite early in the school year, i flipped through the calendar for the first semester. i went to speak to our executive admin to see how many vacation days i had for the year because i knew i was carrying some over from last school year. i decided upon hearing the number that it didn’t make sense for me to just stack a bunch of days for the hell of it – i was going to take time off. some days would be spent alone, some would be spent on mini vacations with dear friends and some would be spent visiting my new nephew, enzo.

there was a point in time where i used to feel guilt about taking time off if not for a major event. i stumbled across this quote on twitter and it has not only impacted my day to day but my approach to taking days off from time to time:

“you owe yourself one hour a day of self-maintenance. it can include reading, writing, yoga, exercise, dancing, meditation, painting, or whatever, but you owe it to yourself. one hour, 1/24 of your day. that is less than 5%. it matters, it really does. make it count.”

as someone who only requires 5-7 hours of sleep, i have at least 17 hours that i am awake per day. even on the heaviest work days, i theoretically have 6+ hours that do not involve work. why would there be guilt about taking an hour to do something for me? why would there be guilt about taking an entire day here or there?

this past weekend, i took a much needed road trip to vegas with one of the loves of my life, brittany. she captured this photo of me and if it weren’t a tad unprofessional (due to the frozen passion fruit margarita that was to die for), i would attach it to my out of office reply for the day.

do you take one hour a day out for yourself? can you do it without guilt? if so, how are you spending that time?

what does your ideal day out of the office look like?

xoxo,

k. tap