Author: keep up with k.tap

the sun and her flowers

it is no secret that i love to read, but clearly, i have been on a heavy duty poetry kick as of late.  last month, i reread “salt.” (yet again) and loved it.  this month, i picked up “the sun and her flowers” by rupi kaur for the third time.  you can get your copy here – i am all about amazon because i hate having to wait extended periods of time to get my hands on a good book.

 

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even though christmas is one of my least favorite holidays, this book was gifted to me by my friend anthony.  while i initially thought it was odd since he knows i am not really about christmas, i realized once reading the inscription that it was far more about being an aid in the healing process with it being my very first christmas without my grandmother.  not only did it help me greatly during that first holiday season/year without her, it is a book that i find myself picking up again and again.

*by the way, anthony sketches some really dope shit – check him out here!

 

there are some poems that hit differently on this third read – i am going to include some of my favorites for you to enjoy.

 

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“the irony of loneliness is we all feel it at the same time  – together”

while this resonated with me during my first read, after having some years under my belt as a counselor, these words are ones that i reference in sessions with clients.  so many of the teen girls that i work with think they are the only ones who are lonely without realizing that the girl smiling in their pre-calc class is just as lonely, she just wears it differently.

 

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“this place makes me the kind of exhausted that has nothing to do with sleep and everything to do with the people around me  – introvert”

the older i get, the more introverted i become.  the more introverted i become, the more time i need to recharge after being in social situations.  whether it is something i do regularly like work or something that is less frequent like a birthday party, i find myself being tapped out if i do not carve out the appropriate time to recoup. it has also made me ultra aware of who i choose to spend my time (exhaust my energy) with/on.

 

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“the way you speak of yourself the way you degrade yourself into smallness is abuse  – self-harm”

so frequently, self-harm is viewed solely as physically hurting oneself – what i like about this poem is that it highlights that there are various types of self-harm, especially repeated self-degradation.

 

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“sometimes i stop myself from saying the words out loud as if leaving my mouth too often might wear them down  – i love you”

during my first read, i both loved and hated this poem.  i loved it because it totally captured who i am in intimate relationships but i hated it because i would give anything to tell my grammy i loved her just one more time.  while she was here, we said it during every phone call and when saying goodbye in person.  however, i made a vow to myself to say it more often to those who i know i love because who knows when will be the last time i have a chance to say it or they have a chance to hear it.  with 2019 being my year of vulnerability, i have really been practicing this more.  it has been beautiful and does not wear down the words in the slightest for me or the recipient(s).

 

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“if i am the longest relationship of my life isn’t it time to nurture intimacy and love with the person i lie in bed with each night  – acceptance”

*pardon the shadowing on the page above – even after several attempts, this was the best shot

so often, i hear people talking about another person completing them.  while i believe in love and partnership fully, i do not love this concept.  i think as people, we should be complete on our own.  and with that comes nurturing the most important relationship in our lives – the one that serves as the foundation for all other relationships; our relationship with ourselves.  this poem will always serve as a reminder to do just that.

 

if you have read “the sun and her flowers”, i would love to hear which poem(s) is your favorite.  if you have not read it in its entirety, tell me which of the ones i posted above resonates with you most.

 

xoxo,

k. tap

 

 

thought of the week: don’t be fooled – this shit is heavy

i have talked to you all before about how some of my habits in grad school were not the healthiest in terms of juggling a million different things and the overall toll that took on me.  i have also talked about how it is important to get rid of the ideology that wearing a game face is always necessary.

 

with that being said, i am no longer juggling as many things as i was a couple of years ago but i am still juggling quite a bit.  some of the things are ones that are more visible like my career as a counselor, operating this blog and of course, extensive traveling.  others are not as visible such as complex relationships with family members, still learning how to manage the grief around my grandmother, maintaining a plethora of long distance relationships, trying to navigate being a black woman in the world we currently live in and many other things i won’t dive into both for the sake of privacy and time.  look, sometimes just saying all of it out loud can be exhausting.

 

something i have been told time and time again by family, friends, coworkers, mentors, clients and even strangers is how i make this balancing act look easy.  while i think it is being said as a compliment, part of it almost diminishes the struggle i am often enduring.  i also think there is something to be said about all of the things i am juggling not necessarily being visible to the naked eye – it almost makes it harder to measure or grasp.

 

today, my friend julian posted this on his instagram story and it did not only make me think of myself, it made me think of many friends and clients i have that may make balancing look easy, even if it is silently breaking them down.

 

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“just because i carry it all so well doesn’t mean it’s not heavy.”

 

this quote is multidimensional.  yes, i do carry things well, at least from the outside looking in, no matter the weight.  and yes, what i am carrying is rarely easy or light.

 

but here’s the thing, i have been working on sharing a bit more with loved ones about what it is that i am carrying, especially the things they cannot see.  i have found that that has been helpful in them understanding my day to day struggle along with there being a higher chance of them not adding more to my shoulders if they are aware that i am already at capacity.  it made me wonder if part of the issue at hand was me wanting to appear like i had it all together.

 

are you carrying more than what is feasible right now?  could your load be lightened if you shared what you were carrying with your loved ones?

 

i would love to hear about it.

 

xoxo,

k. tap

summer salad

i find summer to be a bit difficult in terms of preparing my meals.  even though i have more time during summer to cook/meal prep, because i live in a building that is literally 90 years old, i do not have full fledged central air.  instead, i have these wall units in both my living room and my bedroom (which i am incredibly grateful for since i live on the second floor and heat rises to the top).  with that being said, i hate turning on my stove or oven after 10am and before like 10pm.  this can be problematic for someone like me that makes an effort to fast intermittently day to day.  my standard eating window is from 12pm to 8pm which is when my apartment tends to be the warmest.  one of the things on my to do list for this summer was to come up with a few meals that are easy to prep and do not require me to turn on my stove or oven.

 

i have always loved a good caprese salad but usually see it as more of a starter versus a meal as i am typically not full after consuming one.  this summer, i found the perfect additions to make it more complete.

 

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all of the ingredients can be purchased from trader joe’s or your local market.

 

ingredients for k. tap’s summer salad:

  • coppa, prosciutto or salami (above, coppa is used)
  • mozzarella balls (these mozzarella balls are marinated in both olive oil and pesto so you can choose to add in fresh basil if you wish but it is not required)
  • grape tomatoes
  • scoop of guacamole or 1/2 of a mid sized avocado (diced)
  • balsamic vinegar
  • garlic salt
  • black pepper

 

i typically start from the outside and work my way inward.  i lay between 6 to 8 pieces of coppa down.  then, i place the mozzarella balls.  next, i add the grape tomatoes.  i gently spoon the guacamole or avocado in the center.  i generously drizzle balsamic vinegar over the mozzarella, tomatoes and guac.  lastly, i sprinkle garlic salt and black pepper.

 

not only is this salad tasty but i am typically full for 3-4 hours after eating it.   it is perfect because it only takes five minutes to throw together, is essentially carb free, packed with flavor and the best part of all?  i do not have to turn on my stove or oven to prepare it!

 

if you love caprese salads, try it my way and let me know how you like it.

 

xoxo,

k. tap

 

p.s. if you are lucky enough to have central air and don’t mind turning on your oven, click here for the recipe to my savory southwest salmon salad – it is one of my go to meals!

jomo

it was not until two hours ago that i realized it was saturday and not sunday.  some years ago, i probably would not have been happy about being on my couch on a saturday night.  at 29, i am elated to have an evening to myself.

 

with me living in la, there is always something to get into on a saturday night.  some people talk about “fomo” also known as “fear of missing out.”  on the weekends, people scroll through instagram and might be a little down because they are not partaking in the fun they see on their timeline.  that is not a feeling i have had in quite some time.

 

i saw this some months back and laughed out loud because it could have been written by me for me.

 

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“jomo (noun).  joy of missing out.  feeling content with staying in and disconnecting as a form of self-care.  antonym: fomo.”

 

are you more of a jomo or fomo person?  maybe you are a bit of a both?  i would love to hear about it below.

 

xoxo,

k. tap

 

 

thought of the week: do not suppress expressions of love to protect your ego

an ongoing theme for me as i entered this year has been increasing my vulnerability – with friends, with family, with strangers (through this blog), with potential partners and most importantly, with myself.  i often hear people talk about vulnerability with others but i rarely hear it talked about in terms of how we are with ourselves.  the art of being vulnerable is about being open and more sensitive, thus being more susceptible to both criticism and hurt.  maybe that is why we tend to avoid vulnerability, even with ourselves.  what i realized is that if i can start with being more open with myself and more sensitive towards myself, it would be easier for me to do with others.

 

whether it is due to upbringing, my zodiac sign or something else that i have not even considered, there was a time in my life where i was hesitant about being vulnerable, especially when it came to love.  at the end of last year, i was a bit more closed off than i would have liked to admit.  i ended up coming across this quote on my friend roxy’s page and it made me pause.

 

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“if you suppress expressions of love in fear of being perceived as vulnerable, you’re more in love with your ego than the people you claim to love.”

 

this shit is layered.

 

the first thing is why did i (for myself only) view vulnerability as weakness?  so much so that i was avoiding it at all costs with some of the people i am closest to?  i had to work on reframing that – i have done work on reframing this idea over the last several months and let me tell you something: vulnerability is both exhausting and liberating.

 

the second thing i had to address is if i had this ego that was mentioned.  i had never considered myself to be egotistical but something i had not fully copped to is how i was letting pride get in the way of love.  i was more concerned with what the potential reactions to my vulnerability could be.  it was all so raw and out of my control.  those exact risks are part of what makes it so beautiful.

 

even now, i am not a person lacking pride – i have just learned to scale that back to create more room for vulnerability.  in creating more room for vulnerability, i have created more room for love.

 

have you ever suppressed expressions of love?  if so, what did that look like for you?

 

xoxo,

k. tap