Category: head + heart

thought of the week: delve deep.

with thanksgiving being just a couple of days away, i have been seeing posts left and right from therapists about how to survive the holiday. many talk about coping strategies, topics to avoid around the dinner table and how to choose your battles when going up against your family. let’s keep it real – the holidays are not necessarily merry and bright for everyone. but here’s the thing, if you go home and find yourself triggered af while sitting around the dinner table but can’t quite figure out why, there might be some more work for you to do.

“at times, the answers to your questions are found in the places you’re too afraid to delve deep into and explore.” -rachel wolchin

a couple of weeks ago, i did a post about how to get what you need out of therapy. in order to get what you need, you have to be willing to go to therapy in the first place. and beyond that, there has to be a willingness to delve deep. something i tell each of my clients is to make sure they understand that it will often get worse before it gets better. therapy requires some digging and unearthing of things you buried and sometimes, things you weren’t even aware were tucked away. your willingness to do the work will provide a reward and inner peace that is unparalleled.

what places or topics have you been avoiding delving into?

xoxo,

k. tap

thought of the week: you’re killing it anyway

2020 certainly has not been a walk in the park. january kicked off with the loss of kobe and gigi bryant (along with multiple other passengers) in a fatal plane crash. i can actually remember saying out loud that 2020 couldn’t get any worse. fast forward to march – a full blown pandemic had swept through not just the nation, but multiple continents. once closer to summer, more senseless killings of unarmed black people at the hands of police officers had sparked a revolution. revolutions are not always pretty. and just a week or so ago, we wrapped up the gnarliest presidential election to date. it would be easy for me to say that 2020 was the worst year of all time. but honestly speaking, that would be a lie.

2020 was certainly rough on a grander scale, but when i look at the lives of some of those nearest and dearest to me, 2020 has been a year of growth, new beginnings, stepping outside of comfort zones and pausing to be more reflective and grateful. amidst this pandemic, i have had multiple friends give birth to beautiful baby boys, several friends close on their first homes, many others became dog moms/dads (myself included), countless promotions at work, one of my very best friends got married to the love of her life yesterday, a couple have launched businesses, many have taken time to invest in their mental/emotional health/wellness and a ridiculous amount of other awesome things i know i am forgetting. one of the biggest shifts i have seen are people being more expressive to those they love on any day ending in the letter y. there is no longer this need to wait until a birthday or celebration to express love and gratitude. that has arguably been one of the best things to come out of this pandemic.

even with all of the aforementioned, i have had several conversations with loved ones in recent weeks about feeling guilt or shame around the things that are going well. some have even said they have downplayed what is going well for them to friends and family after realizing that they do not seem particularly happy for them. here is a sad reality: not all people are capable of celebrating the accomplishments of their loved ones if they do not have something they feel is also worth celebrating in their own lives.

i came across this quote on instagram from wctherapygroup and felt compelled to write this post and share it:

“not everyone is going to be celebrating and cheering you on. know you’re killing it anyway.”

don’t allow a lack of outside validation stop you from doing the damn thing. sometimes, you have to be your own biggest cheerleader. and i will let you in on a little secret – when you’ve curated a dope inner circle, there will ALWAYS be at least one other person happy to cheer alongside you and toast to your greatness.

what have you accomplished this year that we should be cheering for?

xoxo,

k. tap

thought of the week: getting what you need out of therapy

dana and i might both be la girls but we met in the bay during undergrad at scu. somehow, between big moves, booming careers and all of the curveballs life can throw at a person, we managed to remain integral parts of one another’s lives. she is a person who checks in on her strong friends, myself included. dana can read me like a book. she has been supportive of my blog since day one so when she reached out about a topic she wanted me to cover, i couldn’t resist.

the text message she sent said:

“…i feel like with shelter in place, so many people are now considering or trying therapy for the first time but i think a lot of people don’t know what to expect or how to maximize what they get out of therapy. how can someone get the most out of therapy or your relationship with your therapist?”

as i lay here, snuggled up with misu on a much needed day off (shout out to all my veterans, especially my papa), i wanted to provide some tips on how to get what you need out of therapy.

1. make a list of three major qualities you are looking for in a therapist – for me, it is someone who is solution focused, blunt and consistently able to see me. what are your three?

2. identify what topics you plan on bringing into session beforehand

3. be TOTALLY honest with your therapist – if they don’t know the full story, you aren’t going to get what you need out of each session

4. remember that they are not there to be your friend – it isn’t supposed to feel like a starbucks conversation between two old pals

5. be consistent with showing up to each session – i schedule my therapy sessions the same way i do work, an appointment with my ob and expensive restaurant reservations – i am never late and i am ready upon arrival

6. don’t be afraid to tell your therapist what you are looking to get out of your time spent together – they might need direction as no two clients are the same

7. be sure to actually do any homework assigned to you by your therapist – it is being assigned for a reason

8. do not expect your therapist to work harder than you or to “fix you” – that is not their purpose

9. a good therapist is going to push you to step outside of your comfort zone. please know the difference between feeling uncomfortable and feeling unsafe. do not fight your therapist (or fire them) because you feel uncomfortable. clearly, where you were comfortable wasn’t working, otherwise, you wouldn’t be in their office in the first place

10. understand that it will often get worse before it gets better. therapy requires some digging and unearthing of things you buried and sometimes, things you weren’t even aware were tucked away. your willingness to do the work will provide a reward and inner peace that is unparalleled

📷: hilly

xoxo,

k. tap

thought of the week: struggling with your mental health is not indicative of weakness…

with the election taking place yesterday and many of us still waiting on pins and needles for the results, i have been hyper aware of mental and emotional health. that awareness extends to my friends/family, clients, myself and millions of people that i don’t even know.

last week, when i was scheduling my clients for the week we are currently in, i purposefully scheduled zero for today. yes, that meant i would need to have even busier days on monday, tuesday, thursday and friday, but guess what? i knew that i would not be in a mental or emotional headspace to serve my clients today. the day post election day would be dedicated to client notes, emails, treatment plans and figuring out how to be present for myself in order to be able to be present for each client later this week (and in the weeks moving forward).

a couple of years ago, i would not have shared this plan. it is likely that i would not have even carved out this time for myself. what i know for certain is whether i structured today like this or not, i would have punished myself for even struggling with mental health. this quote served as the perfect reminder that i not only made the right decision, but that any day i choose to acknowledge and then prioritize my mental health, is a day where i’ve made the correct choice.

“struggling with your mental health is not indicative weakness. some of the strongest people are the ones silently winning battles each and every day.”

this week, my battles included an election day that was much closer than i would’ve hoped (which simply reiterated how little the lives of blacks, women, lgbtq people, immigrants and many other marginalized groups are valued) and the death of a close family friend. if i was unaffected by that, i would wonder if i still had a pulse.

what battles have you silently won recently?

xoxo,

k. tap

meet mr. misu

growing up, i always had a dog. i truly believe that they make houses homes. i had promised myself that once i moved back to la after grad school, i would get a pup for my first place.

once i moved to south pasadena at the end of 2017, it was clear that i was still working through a ton of unresolved grief after the loss of my grandmother. i used a lot of 2018 to unpack that. in 2019, while i was emotionally read to get a dog, i was traveling somewhere at least two weekends a month. from mexico to coachella to chicago to spain to nyc, it was a whirlwind. 2020 seemed like it could be the year.

while the first half had some bigger events like my 30th birthday in vegas and traveling for work, the second half would be lighter. i had no idea how light until we were in the middle of this pandemic. so in may, i started my search for a dog. i had a few prerequisites. the dog needed to be smaller (since i am in an apartment), hypoallergenic, under the age of five and no major medical conditions.

you have no idea how hard it was to find a dog that checked off all of these boxes. i had told myself that if i couldn’t find what i was looking for via adoption, at the start of the new year, i would go through a breeder. everything changed just over two weeks ago.

my cousin (courtney) posted about her pastor looking to get rid of their dog. when i asked about the breed and age, she said under a year and a maltipoo. i was floored. this already checked off two of my boxes. i figured there had to be a catch. so i reached out to the pastor and within 24 hours, we had arranged for me to pick up my pup on the following tuesday. here is a shot from our first moments together after he officially became mine.

not only was he completely healthy but they wouldn’t even let me pay them because they were just happy to see him go to a home where the owner would have time for him. while his name was originally nino, that didn’t fit him to me. as soon as i saw a photo of him, i thought tiramisu was more fitting. however, that’s a mouthful so i have been calling him misu for short.

we’ve been together for just under two weeks and it is already hard to imagine my life without him. he is gentle, loving, physical touch is definitely his primary love language, he waits to be sure i am awake before making noise and has thoroughly enjoyed meeting my clients both virtually and in person.

i recently got him groomed and he almost looks like a different dog but that sweet disposition didn’t shift a bit.

i am totally in love and can’t wait to create more memories with misu.

xoxo,

k.tap