even though i am not much of a holiday person, i can definitely get behind days like this. world kindness day started in the late 90s.  it is all about how to improve the world and encourage good deeds and just acts of kindness as a whole.

 

when i first thought about how to approach this post, i was going to make a pledge centered around good deeds i could check off for the rest of the year.  and while that is still something i may do offline, when i thought about who taught me the most about how to be kind by modeling it for me day after day throughout my life, the person that came to mind was my mom, felecia.

 

 

my mother makes kindness look ridiculously easy and it is totally awe-inspiring.  growing up, i saw her model kindness in a variety of ways:

1. simply being present for every member of our family – as a daughter, a sister, a mother, a godmother, an aunt and a wife
2. showing love and tenderness to those who need it most by being willing to listen to whatever they have to share, whether she knows them personally or not (even if it is the representative at the verizon store)
3. if ever my brother or myself came home in a funk, asking us how are days went and reassuring us that if something went wrong at school, as long as she heard it from us first, there was absolutely nothing for us to worry about.  she always kept her word.
4. constantly helping out underserved communities whether it be through charitable donations to larger organizations or providing a hot meal or cash to someone we were passing on the street
5. being the loudest cheerleader, especially for all of the young people.  from surprising my brother across the nation at football games to dancing in the crowd on a weeknight at one of my godbrother’s concerts to taking off of work to watch me present at psych conferences – there is never a question about her support; it is unwavering
6. filling in as a mom to some of my friends who do not have a relationship with their own moms where they can be their most authentic selves
7. making birthdays feel like national holidays for family, friends and coworkers alike
8. being a nurse to those who are sick, whether it be showing up daily to the hospital after getting off of work to keep our loved ones company until the wee hours of the morning or sending care packages to my home when i am battling the flu that include soup, fruit, juice and enough meds to get me through the next flu season
9. advocating for those who need it and expecting nothing in return
10. lighting up every room she walks in with a killer smile and a contagious laugh

 

i could easily type 90 additional ways i have seen my mother model kindness but then you’d be reading a book, not a blog.

 

felecia feels everything so deeply that i often wonder how she does it all.  even though i give her a hard time for being such a softy, i am grateful that she is just the way she is and can only hope that each one of you has a felecia in your orbit.  if not, let me know – she is always down to make a new friend over cocktails and conversation.

 

do something kind today, whether it be for someone around you or yourself.

 

xoxo,

k. tap

i hope you all enjoyed your weekends.  and for those of you who had three day weekend like i did in honor of veterans day, don’t forget to tell the vets you know who are still here how grateful you are for them.

 

i tend to get more contemplative than usual a few times a year.  while the new calendar year does not spark that in me, a few other days/times definitely do – my birthday, my grammy’s death date, the start of a new academic year and thanksgiving.  thanksgiving is  my favorite holiday but as with most things after a significant loss, the day took on an entirely new meaning once i no longer had my grandmother to celebrate the holiday with.  and it wasn’t just because her sweet potato pie was missing.  thanksgiving, along with each of the other days/times i mentioned, is now bittersweet.

 

over the last couple of years, i have gotten a lot better at sitting with feelings of discomfort instead of trying to ignore it, suppress it or put on a happy face if that was not what i was actually feeling.  instagram often surprises me with knowing exactly what i need to see to make me pause and reflect.

 

 

“oh how wonderfully you have grown since november of last year” –mhn (morgan harper nichols)

 

i know there won’t ever be a day where i am not grieving my grandmother, i do often think of ways she would want me to approach how i think and act.  after reading this single line from morgan harper nichols, i thought about all of the ways in which i have grown since last november…

 

1. i started this blog
2. i set clear and necessary boundaries, especially with family
3. i went on my first solo international trip
4. i shed some weight i knew my body was tired of carrying (still a work in progress but hey, slow movement is better than no movement)
5. i reprioritized my own mental health which in turn made me better for me, my family, my friends and my clients
6. i have learned to grant myself the same patience and tenderness as i do the ones i love most
7. i have become exponentially more assertive
8. the way i work in session with each of my clients has totally evolved in a way where they are getting more out of each session
9. i have strengthened relationships in ways i did not know possible
10. i love myself more now that i ever have before

 

so this month, i challenge you to take a moment to stop comparing yourself to others and simply compare you to you from a year ago.  what did you notice?  what have you accomplished?  what do you love about you?

 

xoxo,

k. tap

 

happy monday! i am just trying to get over this jet lag now that i am officially back from the east coast.  i am so grateful to have gained an extra hour over the weekend – lord knows i needed it.

 

today, a couple of colleagues and i presented on navigating healthy communication in adolescent relationships from both a theological and psychological perspective.  naturally, i had to bring up the 5 love languages and even had the attendees take the assessment.  in explaining each of the love languages, i highlighted how important quality time is to me along with what it means to me.

 

it brought me to this quote i saw over the weekend…

 

 

“‘i can make time’ – a love language”  -autumn starr 

 

there is something about this quote that stood out to me.  it is almost as though it is greater than quality time because it implies that even though that person may have a full schedule or plate, you are important enough for them to literally create time for.  let me give you some examples from my own life and the lives of a few close friends:

 

1. lax recently stopped allowing lyfts and ubers to do pickups from the airport.  being that i was coming back from a business trip and my parents would be out of town, i was panicked about how i would get home.  i explained the situation to tj (who might as well be my little brother) and he assured me that he would make the time for me.  even when plans later changed for him, he sent his mom in his place.  that is someone making time and making shit happen.
2. my godsister gets off work at 9pm and loves introversion, sleep and relaxation.  because she knows how much i value quality time and in person interactions, she is currently sitting across from me on the couch so we can just catch up on the last three weeks in the flesh.  this is one of the many ways she makes time for me.
3. a friend of mine who is newly married and recently got a promotion at work was asked to help plan a birthday party for her mother in law.  this became more than just making a few phone calls and grabbing balloons – it was as though an additional job of hers had become event planning.  to intensify things, a week before the party, she was in a car accident.  while she was tired and would have loved nothing more than to just be in bed in peace, she made the time to make her mother in law feel special while supporting her husband.
4. my mom knew that i was sick the week before last.  i did not want her to get sick so i made sure we did not see one another.  what did she do?  send me soup, fruit, juice and meds via a delivery man.  even with her being swamped at work, she made time to prioritize being a caretaker who was invested in my health.
5. marilena knew that in 2018, there were multiple aspects of my birthday i did not love and that it was just a tough year as a whole.  next thing i knew, amidst her busy work schedule, she had booked a five day trip to la to just spend some time with me.  she made the time and did it without any expectations.
6. the week before last, i was supposed to meet my friend gracelyn for happy hour but ended up being overwhelmed with all of the shit i needed to do to prep for my trip.  next thing i know, she shows up with snacks and coffee/tea so we could still spend time while allowing me to be productive in my own home.

 

what have you made time for lately, even when it seemed like there was no time left?  has there been a person in your life who has made time for you even when it seemed nearly impossible?

 

xoxo,

k. tap

hey lovelies!  this week, i will be blogging from the east coast while chaperoning a college tour with my girls.  if the times i post seem a little wackier than usual, that is why.  currently, we are in boston but there are a few other cities we will get to explore as well.  if there is a place we visit that has something i think you have to see/try, i will definitely do a post about it.  anyway, back to boston – i was in here in february chaperoning another trip and you can read about all of my favorite places i explored here.

 

many moons ago, marilena (my roommate from freshman year turned soulmate) showed me a quote from faith broussard cade that gave me chills.  it was not until much later that i found her on instagram and realized part of why she resonates with me is because she is also a black woman who works in mental health.  she has this ability to say things in a couple of sentences that just leave you in deep thought for hours or even days thereafter.  i stumbled across this quote last week and it helped me deal with a message sent to me over the weekend.

 

 

“start accepting compliments without minimizing yourself.  you’ve spent years proving your greatness to others; it’s time you start believing your own hype.” -faith broussard cade aka fleurdelisspeaks

 

let’s unpack this piece by piece, especially with how it applies to me.  so if you have been following along for awhile, you know i am obsessed with the five love languages.  i am definitely hardcore when it comes to quality time and acts of service.  unfortunately,  words of affirmation is not only something i have to work at giving, it is also something i have to work at receiving.  i sometimes get physically uncomfortable when hearing someone sing my praises and have really had to work at just simply accepting the compliment without trying to justify it and even more so, without minimizing myself in the process.  when i received the following text from a friend this weekend, before responding, i stopped and thought about what i would typically do versus what i have been working towards doing.  the above quote helped me do what i have been working towards and i was so fucking proud of me.

 

the text i received: you know, i was talking with my professor today (the one that convinced me to stay enrolled for the semester) and you came up again.  discussing the prozac thing again and i mentioned what you had suggested and her response was “i think you have a very talented and intelligent friend and i think her advice was spot on.” i agreed with her and reaffirmed how wonderfully talented you are.   but it made me think of something: i really hope you’ll teach someday.  you talk about how dr. astin kept you going while you were struggling and i know you could have the same impact on future clinicians someday.  you already have for me, so i hope you’ll consider doing the same for others.

 

how i would typically respond: i am glad that was helpful but you don’t have to say that.  it really isn’t a big deal.  blah blah blah.

 

how i actually responded: this was so sweet.  it almost made me cry.  and is definitely something on my bucket list (teaching a class or two).  i don’t tell you this often enough but i really do love you.  i am traveling to the east coast for work this week but let me know if we need (or want) to schedule a call for this week.

 

i am so proud of me for a few reasons.  yes, i have been working my ass off both in and outside of the classroom to get these degrees, to work with clients from all walks of life, to do research and to do work on myself to become the best possible clinician.  but you know what also made me proud?  simply being able to accept the praise and know that every ounce was deserved.

 

30 is around the corner and i could not be happier to be in a space where i am believing my own hype.

 

do you recognize how great you are?  and do you do it unapologetically?

 

xoxo,

k. tap

a couple of years ago, a coworker of mine introduced me to enneagrams.  she was ranting and raving about it and said that it was the most accurate personality assessment she had ever taken.  she gave me an abundance of literature on each of the nine enneagram types.  to be honest, the literature was incredibly dense and there was no assessment attached for me to truly feel connected to one type or another.

 

fast forward to this past weekend – one of my dear friends (sarah aka lil’ spoon) was in town from the bay area.  she asked me what i knew about it and i told her the aforementioned.  she did a quick breakdown of the nine enneagram types and gave me a link to a quick an easy assessment.  in hearing some of the titles of the types, i thought some sounded more like me than others but was excited to take an assessment and get some additional clarification.

 

the enneagram is all about self-discovery and growth based on the nine types listed below.  it is supposed to highlight why you behave, feel or think in certain ways.  by knowing this information, the thought is that meaningful relationships can be built and continue to flourish with yourself, those around you and your spirituality.

 

9 enneagram type summaries:

1. moral (perfectionist)
2. supportive (advisor)
3. successful (achiever)
4. romantic (individualist)
5. investigative (thinker)
6. loyal (guardian)
7. entertaining (optimist)
8. protective (challenger)
9. peaceful (mediator)

 

 

before taking the assessment (which you can take for free here), lil’ spoon said she thought i was a 2, 5 or an 8.  the assessment took me less than 15 minutes, and my results were…

 

 

type 5 – the investigative thinker! lil’ spoon definitely knew what she was talking about.  she is pretty perceptive, especially as someone who has an advanced degree in social work.  while my entire summary is pictured below, i am going to highlight a few key points.  before i dive in, i will say that i felt it was pretty accurate, even the things about myself that don’t thrill me were not off base.

 

some of the things i liked that fit were being wise, compassionate, knowledgeable, independent and perceptive.  some of the things i did not like that also fit were being detached, uncompromising and high strung.  while i think i am making a conscious effort to work on some of the more negative traits, there was not much i read that did not ring true.  whether it was talking about my fears, my desires, what motivates me or what i do not want, i truly am a type 5.  read more about that breakdown below.

 

 

something to note is that you can have a primary type and then additional types that make up who you are.  i also have traces of 7 and 8 but definitely am more of a 5.

 

have you taken the enneagram assessment?  if so, what is your type?  did you feel it was accurate?

 

enjoy your weekend, lovelies.

 

xoxo,

k. tap